


Never Let Me Go

by World_of_AUs



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 51,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22886872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/World_of_AUs/pseuds/World_of_AUs
Summary: “How can you stand there and say you love me, I don’t even know who I am, I can’t remember who I am!” You cried“Sweetheart trust me there’s no forgetting who you are.” He responded sternly eyes filled with conviction.“I can’t remember who you are.” You confessed voice threatening to break.His face fell, “you have to baby, you loved me, just the way I loved you, the way I still do, please y/n you have to remember, you have to remember me.” He pleaded his eyes clouding over with tears.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 20
Kudos: 80





	1. Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my sweets! Here is another AU for you all, Before Us is going on a temporary hiatus because i am working to re-edit the entire thing! So for now i leave you with this new work that is already a couple of chapter's in, this work is posted to my Tumblr where you can find all my other writings! I hope you all enjoy this Series and feedback is always welcomed and appreciated! Happy Readings!

You didn’t sleep much these nights, finding it hard to keep your eyes closed, mind racing with nightmares. Your not sure how much sleep you have had since that night. The memory constantly flashed in your mind behind closed eyes, the nightmares brewing close behind, chasing away sleep.

You pulled into the parking lot shutting the ignition off, glancing around at the seemingly empty spaces around you. Unbuckling your seatbelt, pocketing your keys you pulled yourself from the car breathing in the ocean air. A smile slipped onto your face as you shut your car door making a beeline for the sandy shore. The waves pounded against the shore as you drew closer, the sun peeking in the horizon. This was the only place you felt safe anymore, no nightmares could plague you here, everything was at peace.

You were finally at peace.

You chose a spot on the beach sitting, kicking off your shoes as your toes curled in the sand. You brought your legs to your chest hands locking around them head falling to the space between your knees. You stated out in the sea, the ocean air flowing through your hair. Your eyes shut as the suns light kissed your cheeks. You focused breathing in trying to pick at pieces of what was left of your now scrambled mind. A tear slipped from behind your closed eyes, why couldn’t you remember? Your breath hitched, a sharp pain starting at the back of your head.

_“You need to hold your stance doll, If I can spot your weak point so will they.” He teased as he danced around your form on the mat._

_You knew he was trying to get in your head, your stance was one you had learned to perfect when going up against Natasha or Bucky. A chuckle left your lips, your eyes following his every move “I think you might need to get your eyes checked Barnes, it’s been how many years?”_

_He paused, his stance faulting, you took the opportunity crouching down leg swinging out, sweeping his from out underneath him._   
_He fell onto his back with a loud grunt, “now you’re just playing dirty.” he muttered._

_You stood above him reaching out for his hand as you helped him up to his feet, he sent you a playful glare “awe come on doll, I’m just having a little bit of fun.” You teased as you pushed at his shoulder returning back into your stance. Bucky’s face hardened, he planted his feet, arms coming up his metal one gleaming in the lowlights of the training room._   
_“Did I trigger the winter soldier?” You spoke eyes gleaming as you watched him._

_Bucky let out a dark chuckle that sent a shiver up your spine, “you’d like that wouldn’t you doll?”_

_“At least he’d know how to have some fun.” You bit back with a wink. Bucky’s glare deepened, he crouched down slightly as he ran at you, you were quick to dodge, turning on him as you swept your foot up, Bucky caught on to your next move quickly his metal arm grabbing your ankle as it made a swing for his chest. He twisted your foot lightly a yelp leaving your lips as your back met the mat rather hard._

_Bucky crouched over you his metal arm coming down onto your neck, his face inched itself closer to yours ocean eyes gleaming in mischief, your cheeks warmed at his closeness “Bucky what are you doing?” You whispered._

_Bucky’s eyes softened slightly the cool metal trailing up your your skin, cooling your heated cheek “I’m having some fun like you said doll.” He whispered back tone serious, as his eyes looked down to your lips then back to your eyes he leaned ever so slowly down bringing his lips down to meet yours._

You opened your eyes tears streaming down your face as the images that had played in your mind faded away. You wiped the tears from your face angrily. You knew these memories were yours, you just didn’t know how they came to be, how you belonged in them, what they meant to you. You could try and dig through your mind to find the missing information but it always ended up blank. It was as if instead of a giving you the full film you were watching edited snippets that you had no idea how they tied back to anything, it was frustrating. You were confused, you felt lost, you didn’t even know who you were or what you had done.

_The door to your room creaked open, “nightmare again?” You questioned sleepily moving back the comforter on the bed. The bed dipped under his weight the blanket being pulled back over him as he turned his face to meet your barely open eyes._

_“Want to talk about it?” You whispered a yawn escaping past your lips._

_“I didn’t know where I was, or what I was doing, but it wasn’t good” he shuttered “I couldn’t even recognize the man before me.”_

_Your hand grabbed his tightly “I thought waking up would make this feeing go away but it’s like, I feel like I’m still stuck in that dream, the feelings were so real, everything about it was so real, I feel like I’m still dreaming like I can’t wake up.” He whispered._

_“I promise your not dreaming Bucky and the feeling of helplessness is going to pass I used to be where you are but I found something that helped, I’m right here for you, I’m here, I’m real, you’re not dreaming.”_

Sobs wracked your body, you didn’t mind some of the memories that played in your mind, but these always hit you the hardest because you knew they were supposed to mean something to you, that this man who frequented these memories was supposed to be someone to you but you couldn’t piece anything together in your mind. Were you that girl in these images still, was that man someone important to you an ex-friend or fling maybe, was it even you who you were seeing? Why couldn’t you figure it out? Shaky hands came up to grip your head, squeezing your temples, eyes closing tightly shut. Thinking, thinking, nothing.

“Y/n?”

You turned at the sound of your name, eyes wide. You saw a built figure of a man walking towards you, slowly, cautiously. Should you run, ask them to stop where they were, to leave you alone? Something in you kept your mouth from producing any words you kept still as the figure approached you stopping at your side tipping his hat up ocean blue eyes stared back at you.  
The man gestured to the spot next to you “is it okay if I sit.”

You nodded slowly, watching as he placed himself right next to you, eyes moving to the ocean view. You watched him for awhile “how do you know my name, do I know you?” You questioned voice shaky.

A flash of pain crossed his features his head glancing down before meeting your eyes once more “there’s many things that I know about you y/n, and there was once a time that you knew many things about me as well.” He spoke.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t remember.” You whispered voice cracking.

“My names James but you can call me Bucky.”

_Bucky_ why did that name sound so familiar had you heard it somewhere the man that sat next to you looked so familiar, except his hair was longer beard scruffier, no it couldn’t be, the man that sat next you looked defeated, tired, and almost sad.

“Bucky” you whispered voice shaking.

“What is it doll?” He questioned worry lacing his tone.

“Have you ever felt like your living through a bad nightmare and you can’t seem to wake up, because i think that’s whats happening to me and i just want to open my eyes and for this horrible feeling to go away!” You cried tears falling from your cheeks.

Bucky wrapped his arm around your shoulders pulling your body close to his, he swayed you both as you sobbed into his chest “ I want to wake up, I just want to wake up.”

“Sweetheart this isn’t a dream.” He whispered into your hair, holding you tighter as your cries grew louder.


	2. Gone

“Bucky, buck, stop!” You laughed your body squirming around.

“Stop calling me old man!” He replied his fingers assaulting your sensitive skin, the coolness of his left prosthetic holding you down.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop, I’ll stop” you giggled breathlessly. Bucky’s fingers stilled on your skin as he looked down at you, a smirk creeped on your face “old man..”

“ I told you doll!” A yelp left your lips as his fingers dug into your side once more laughter falling from both of your lips.

You were laying on Bucky’s bed his heavy frame holding you down as he straddled your waist, his fingers continuing to skim your side. It was movie night, or was supposed to be had you not teased Bucky about him not knowing how to work the DVD player calling him a “grumpy old man” when he gave up on it all together. The snacks and movie forgotten in the moment.

Bucky finally relented his attack on your skin. He leaned over you, your finger hooking into his chain bringing his lips down onto yours. God you don’t think you could tire of feeling his lips on yours. You had been imagining what his lips might feel like since meeting him. You remembered when Steve had brought him to the compound, there had been something about him that had dragged you in that’ first time and hasn’t let you go since. Albeit you both had a rocky start to building your friendship and the trust that came with it but you both had been inseparable since.

It had been a couple of months since Bucky had kissed you in the training room. Both of you had been stubborn at first to admit something was there, you were relentless to believe it was more than just a “in the moment” occurrence. It was only when Bucky almost lost you during a mission for intel that he couldn’t hide it anymore. That was almost three months ago.

Bucky pulled his lips from yours, his face hovering close, eyes softening as he stared down at you.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” You questioned bashfully cheeks turning a pink hue.

Bucky chuckled his nose bumping against yours his lips hovering “I love you.” he whispered, the words ghosting over your lips.

Your eyes shot open, hands gripping tightly to Bucky’s shirt a whimper falling from your lips.  
Bucky’s arms tightened around you, “you okay doll, were you remembering something?” He questioned softly.

You nodded your head stiffly against his chest, “Bucky, I- did we ever, did we ever live together? You questioned shakily.

Bucky didn’t answer, ” I keep seeing you, I keep seeing a life with you..“ you whispered.

"Do you, do you remember me?” He questioned voice lacking emotion.

Your head shook in his chest, “aside from you telling me your name i believe your important to me, you have to be, your in most of the images that have popped up in my mind, I just, I can’t remember, much less feel how important you were to me.”

Bucky’s hand rubbed up and down your back, “has anything in your apartment triggered anything, helped aid in you picking up on anything.”

You stayed in his arms your eyes looking out to the sea, “ I hate being there, it doesn’t feel like home, I feel like I don’t belong there like I’m in somebody else’s home, I’m never there anyway, I’m always here it’s where I feel the most at home.”

Bucky sighed his hands loosening around you, “I told the doctor to let you stay with me, you probably would have been better off.”

“So we do live together” 

Bucky looked at you surprised, “you remember that?”

You sighed eyes casting down, “no, but the images I see, the place that I’m always in is not that apartment that Im supposed to call home, you said that you told the doctor I would have been better off at home, why aren’t I at home with you then, why haven’t I see you before this morning?” You questioned eyes glancing up at him.

Bucky sighed removing his arm from around your body grabbing a hold of his gloved hand. You squinted at it, why did he have a glove on? Bucky took notice of your eyes, he shuffled around stuffing both hands in the pockets of his jacket. “about a month ago when the incident occurred the doctors in the medical bay weren’t expecting there to be any serious damage, but when you woke up in full panic mode they only realized then you had lost your memory.” He paused taking in a breath “It had been a suspicion of there’s but they had informed us they wouldn’t know how bad it would be if there was any until you woke and well it was bad.” Another pause “they decided to call me and some of the team in and well if you had been in panic before it only escalated once you saw us, though I don’t blame you our tactical suits don’t make us look too friendly.” He chuckled “they had to give you a sedative to calm you down having to escort us from the room while they let you rest.”

“Why can’t I remember that part, the part of me waking up and seeing you?” You questioned quietly.

Bucky looked to you a slow shake of his head, “No one is too sure they say it might have been with how panicked you got that you can’t remember that exact moment, the doctors did run some tests on you after your panic attack and determined you had short term memory loss, you couldn’t remember who you were or what you had done months before the incident, they decidedly to have me come in by myself that maybe I could trigger a memory of yours by telling you about me, about you, about us, but the moment you saw me come in you wanted nothing to do with me, you were frightened of me, of your surroundings, you kept saying you wanted to go home.”

“Why would I be frightened of you, if you were someone important to me?” You questioned brows furrowing as a pain pulsed through your head.

“There’s something about me that frightened you when I came in to your room, I should have covered myself up before going in to see you seeing as you were in the state you were in but I just wasn’t thinking I just wanted to be with you in that moment..”

“Does it, have to do with your arm?” You asked pointing to the gloves hand hidden away in his jacket.

“Yeah, anyway the doctor’s didn’t think it would be any help having you stay with me, they also didn’t think it would be wise if you saw me for awhile, so they took you home thinking maybe once there memories would start to come back to you.”

“What help that was..” you muttered.

Bucky chuckled, “doctors mentioned it should all start to make sense to you one day, that it can either come back in pieces or all at once, just don’t stress yourself let it come to you.” He spoke smiling slightly at you.

You groaned clutching your head in your hands, “why can’t it make sense now!” You cried exasperated, “why can’t I remember who I am, remember anything around me, why am I so broken!” You cried looking into Bucky’s eyes tears welling in yours.

Bucky pulled his hand from his pocket cupping your cheek in his palm, “ I think you need to get home doll, you look like you could really use some rest.”

You sighed nodding your head eyes glancing down as Bucky’s hands withdrew from your cheek watching as he stood up from the sand dusting himself off. Bucky reached down as he offered you his hand, you gripped it tightly in yours as you pulled yourself up. You couldn’t find it in yourself to release his hand something about your hand in his felt right, his hand was like an anchor and it was keep you in place. You followed Bucky quietly up to the Boardwalk towards your vehicle.

“Bucky can I ask you something?”

He looked over at you, “of course doll what is it?”

You bit your lip as you came up to you car, “how did you know I was here?”

Bucky released your hand when you came up to the drivers side of your car he smiled as he saw a frown grace your features at the loss of contact, “we always came here after a particularly bad mission, or when days got to be too rough, your not the only one that’s having a rough time sweetheart, I’m here because I needed to be here as well.”

You were stumped for words, something in you stirred, you didn’t want this to be the last time you talked to him, although you couldn’t remember what you felt for him, you knew you needed him to get through this  
“uhm Bucky do you think I could get your number or something, I liked talking with you this morning, it felt nice.” You whispered a blush creeping on your cheek at the intensity of his stare.

Bucky laughed, “course you can have it sweetheart, but I think it should already be in your contacts.”

You pulled your phone from your back pocket, the weight of it in your hand foreign, you hadn’t had much use for it since the incident. You unlocked it scrolling through your contact list raising a brow in confusion  
“Are you sure I have it, I don’t see a Bucky on my list.”

A smirk graced his features as you looked back at him, “try the winter smoulder sweetheart.”

“The winter smoulder?” You questioned raising a brow in confusion scrolling through your contacts and finding the contact.

Bucky laughed, “Why is it winter smoulder?” you questioned wanting to understand.

Bucky let out a sigh, “Don’t worry sweetheart that’s a story for another time i promise.” he spoke softly leaning in to press his lips against your forehead.

Bucky came up to you as you slid your com into your ear"It’ll be a simple in and out, you stay right by my side doll, i need to make sure you get in and out safely.“ you grinned up at bucky intertwining your hands.

"Buck this isn’t the first time that we’ve done this and i promise this won’t be the last.” Buckys eyes turned serious as he glanced down at you, both of you ready to exit the quinjet.

“And just like the other times we’ve done this, my words will always remain, you need to come back to me safely doll.” he whispered thumb running back and fourth across your hand.

“Buck i’ll always come back to you, no matter what gets in our way, im always going to come back to you, i promise.”

Bucky’s arm reached up, the cool metal slipping into your hair, pulling you forward as he placed a longing kiss to your head, “Please be safe doll.” he whispered.

You nodded your head slowly looking up at him, his ocean irises capturing you, “I’ll always come back.”

“Doll, doll, sweetheart you okay?” Bucky questioned worried, his hands cupping your cheeks as he leaned down to look into your eyes.

A gasp left your lips, your brows furrowed, “Yeah, yeah im okay, i was just, i was just remembering something.” you whispered giving him a small smile.

Bucky eyed you in question, “do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now.” you whispered

Bucky gripped your chin in his gloved hand, “I’ll let you head home sweetheart but if you ever need someone, if you need to talk, or you just need someone, you can text or call me and ill be there in a flash alright?”

You nodded your head smiling at him, he kissed your forehead one more time before turning on his heel to head over to his vehicle. You pulled your keys from you pocket slipping into you car as your turned on the ignition backing up as you drove in one direction watching in your rear mirror bucky drove in the other.

You couldn’t quite shake the feeling that had come over you after that last memory that had surfaced in your mind. You found yourself needing to pull over, your eyes looking over at your left hand that laid on the steering wheel, bare like your memories, where had the simple diamond band gone?


	3. A promise

You pulled into the driveway of your apartment complex shutting your engine off. You stared at the stoney beige building that you had been calling your _home_ for the past month. A feeling of loneliness and not belonging washed over you, you sighed as you stepped out of the car walking up the stoney path to your apartment. Your keys swung around your fingers as you came up to the door, you unlocked it letting it swing open with an eery squeak. You took in the barely lit apartment, you knew this wasn’t your _home_ but you had convinced yourself this is where you belonged since it held most of your memorabilia.

You crossed the threshold of your apartment shutting the door quietly behind you, the only sound resonating through the quiet space was your feet shuffling towards your bedroom. You pushed open your door tiredly the doorknob meeting the wall with a loud thud, kicking off your shoes you let yourself fall back first into the bed. You sighed, you were so tired of going through the motions daily, you had never felt so lost then you did now. Everyday was a knew struggle for you, every morning you found yourself sifting through pictures attempting to get yourself to remember something, and every day it ended the same. You would find yourself exasperated, alone, and in tears as you gathered your things once more to take you to the only place you knew would wash away these emotions.

As your eyes wandered the ceiling you found yourself thinking back to Bucky, you suddenly remembered your promise to him. You pulled your phone from your pocket unlocking it as you scrolled through your contacts landing on the “Winter Smoulder” you snorted, you really were curious how his name had come to be this.

You opened his name on a new message:

**Hey, just letting you know i made it home safely.**

**_Hey doll, that’s great thanks for letting me know, you should really get some rest!_ **

**Probably going to freshen up, and then see if i can get some rest, sleep hast been coming to me lately..**

**_No wonder you look so exhausted, well I’m here now so if you need me for whatever reason you know where to reach me._ **

**I’ll keep that in mind bucky, thanks so much for everything, goodnight buck…**

_**I think you mean good morning doll, but sweet dreams sweetheart.** _

You laughed softly at his last response, finding yourself rereading his messages a smile gracing your features, heart beating steadily. You pulled yourself from the bed, grabbing more comfortable clothes from your dresser as you made your way into the bathroom. You began to peel your clothes from your body slowly, wincing when your shirt or jeans brushed against a particularly tender area. You looked over your body in the mirror, bruises and cuts littered throughout your skin, most having already healed. Pulling back your hair you winced as your fingers brushed against the gash on your head; the culprit of all your problems, the reason you were in the situation you found yourself in now.

Looking away from your image in the mirror you leaned over the tub turning the knobs, luke warm water spraying over your hands. You let out a content hum, stepping under the warm spray, eyes shutting as the water ran through your body

_Your eyes slipped shut, the luke warm water washing over you, washing away the anger, the sadness, the warm steam clearing your thoughts and inner turmoil. You jumped slightly when a hand found itself wrapping around your waist, the body moving closer to you under the warm spray, your head finding its way into their neck, their words ghosting over the shell of your ear._

_“Sweetheart please don’t be mad, you know i can’t stand it when your mad.” he whispered a kiss being placed on your shoulder following a trail to your neck._

_You sighed, your arms wrapping around his back, “I’m not mad buck, a little upset with how everything panned out at the briefing, but i guess we’ll just have to postpone our wedding is all, getting this mission done holds more importance buck.”_

_Bucky’s hand came up to grip your chin, your eyes opening at the contact, “sweetheart if its important to you, its important to me, i know how much you were looking forward to a fall wedding, i could talk to Tony and Steve, maybe there’s something that we could do.”_

_You smiled up at him, hands coming up to cup his bearded cheeks, “ Buck we’ve had to move the date multiple times due to missions, if I’ve waited this long, i think i can endure one more mission.”_

_“What do you say we don’t wait?”_

_You looked up at him eyes furrowing in confusion, “ what, what are you on about buck?”_

_A smirk grew on his features, “ What if we didn’t wait, what if we got married before the mission.”_

_“What?” you questioned with a shocked laugh, “Babe we leave for this mission in two months, how do you expect us to plan a wedding in two months, that’s not nearly enough time, and that’s not to say that there will not be another mission popping up between now and then?”_

_His eyes softened, he pulled you in closer his nose brushing yours, “ Doll we don’t need a huge extravagant ceremony, i don’t care where it is that we get married as long as I’m marrying you, i know you want to wait, but sweetheart I’m tired of waiting, i want to leave for this mission and any other missions knowing that i will be coming home to you, to my wife.”_

_You laughed your arms tightening around him, “You sap, I’m always with you on every mission!”_

_Bucky threw his head back in laughter, a warmth spread through you as he glanced back down at you, “Marry me Y/F/N, give me this one thing that will tie us together for the rest of our lives, the one thing that will make sure we always come back to one another.”_

_“I’m your’s always James Buchanan Barnes, ill always, always come back to you.” you promised as you leaned up on your toes, pulling him down to you as your lips met._

_With those words you had given bucky your answer, your promise of forever._

You held onto the wall of the shower, tears spilling from your eyes as you tried to hold yourself up on shaky legs, your breathing labored. You rushed through your shower, a dull painful throbbing starting at the base of your skull, this was one of the more intense pains you had experienced after a memory.

You stepped out of the shower drying yourself off quickly, throwing on your clothes over your still somewhat wet body. You grabbed your dirty clothes from the floor of your bathroom, attempting to toss, yet missing altogether the opening of your laundry basket.

With a thundering heart you walked over to your bed picking up your phone, you looked through your apps pulling open your memo’s

**“OPERATION HYDRA INTEL” Departure December 15**

You glanced up at the calendar that sat above your bedside table, **November 15.**

Your hands started to shake, as you stared down at your phone then back to the calendar. According to the memory you had just experienced you were supposed to have been married, married to a man that you couldn’t even remember. You had promised him forever, promised him that you would always return to him, but you couldn’t remember who he was. You couldn’t remember who you were. You crawled onto the bed, leaning against the headboard, as fat tears streamed down your face, sobs wracking your body.


	4. Hurt

You groaned groggily slouching further into your bed, shifting out of the uncomfortable position you had found yourself in. When had you fallen asleep? You cracked a crusty eye open glancing around in the darkness that coated your room. Feeling around your bed your hands clasped around your phone; you brought it up to your face pressing the home button squinting tightly at the brightness that overcame your phone from the action.  
 ** _  
_**

**_8:30_ **

You gaped at the time, you had actually slept, and more than your regular 4 hours. This was probably the most sleep you had since leaving the medical bay, and the first night that your memories hadn’t plagued your sleep resulting in you waking up in a fit of tears, gasping for air as you clutched your pillow to your chest tightly.

Sitting up slowly in your bed you clicked on your bedside lamp, a lamplit glow casting over the room. Pushing the covers off of you, you stood from the bed stretching yourself out, toes wiggling on the carpeted floor. Looking around the room your eyes fell onto your white, paper covered desk. You crossed over to it looking at the various papers and manila forms that were strewn across it, you pushed around and sorted through the various paper work hoping something would come to the forefront of your mind and trigger something, but alas none of the documents were making any sense.

Gathering all the paperwork together into a heap you sorted them out frowning when an item fell out of the pile onto the floor. Sighing you placed the some what neater pile down, squatting you reached out to the item that laid below the desk. Lifting it up you realized it was a photo, the back black film like texture giving away it was a Polaroid. You turned the photo around in your hands, a smile upturning your lips as you looked over it. It was a photo of you and Bucky. You were sitting on a barstool at an island of a place you didn’t recognize. Your head was thrown back in laughter, Bucky’s features were caught mid laugh as well, his eyes were crinkled at the corners but fixated on you none the less. He was wedged between your thighs, his hands gripping your waist, a twinkle in his eye. Your favorite part of this photo had to be the love you could clearly see coming off of Bucky’s form, you could almost feel it as well. Unfamiliar cursive handwriting sat below the photo of the two of you.

 _“What real love looks like”_ ❤️

You couldn’t remember this photo being taken, much less by who or where it was captured. Continuing to glance down at the image in your hand you hoped something would tug at your brain, but nothing within the image in your hand was triggering a memory of any sort. Judging by the past memories you had had, you pieced together that this had to have been sometime after Bucky had kissed you in the training room, and that the area In which you were in most likely was the place you used to call home.

You frowned as you stood up slowly placing the picture on top of you desk. An ache grew in your chest as a realization dawned over you, you had what many probably looked for in love, hell you wanted that love back, you wanted that feeling back. From what you were able to put together you had gone from strangers to friends to eventually lovers. You had both grown from one another, with each other. You sat back on your bed your mind drifting to Bucky, you so badly wanted to remember him, wanted to remember the special memories that you two had shared.

You gripped your head in your hands, your mind beginning to wander as you stared at a hole in the wall. You squinted In confusion, hands removing themselves from your hair you took in the literal hole in your wall. You searched your mind for something, had this hole been there before, was it old, was it new? You stood up from the bed again making your way over to the wall, your fingers running gently over the cracked surfaces, an intense pain creeped up the back of your head.

_You limped into your room hissing at the uncomfortable pain that seared up your side, your tactical gear brushing harshly against the tender skin. You paused your step as you took in the bag that laid out open on you bed, clothes haphazardly thrown in, Bucky emerged from the bathroom toiletries in hand._

_“Buck..” you breathed out_

_Toiletries were thrown in the bag, “I don’t want to hear it.” He growled._

_“Bucky you could have been hurt.” You spoke quietly. “ I couldn’t just stand back and let it happen.”_

_“I said save it!” Bucky growled turning to face you eyes glaring back at you. You shrunk in on yourself_   
_“What you did back there was stupid, you were reckless! You were told what was expected from you at the meeting, and I repeated it before we unloaded the quinjet! This is the third time this month alone that you’ve put yourself in my line of fire, do you have a fucking death wish?! I don’t know what the hell you’re trying to prove but it stops now, I’m telling Steve to sideline you, your not going on the next mission.”_

_“Bucky I can’t just sit back, the team needs me, I’ve been doing this a long time, you can’t expect me to sit these missions out.” You argued._

_“You’re not being placed on another mission, not until you learn to stop being so reckless!” He stated angrily._

_“I wasn’t being reckless Bucky! You can’t just expect me to sit back on these missions, and you certainly don’t make those decision for me!”_

_“Watch me sweetheart, you’re not doing any missions.” He seethed. His words angered you, you couldn’t be expected to just sit back while your team went out on these missions and risked their lives. You wouldn’t have it, you couldn’t stand by and wait for shit to hit the ceiling, which it always did._

_“You don’t make those decisions buck, you can’t bench me, the teams needs me!”_

_“I’ve already spoken to Steve, this isn’t up for discussion so drop it.” He spoke cooly._

_“How many times do I have to repeat myself Bucky, you and the team need me, you can’t just decide to bench me because I decided to save your ass on the field you could have been hurt, I would have done the same for any of the others had I been assigned as their partner, for crying out loud buck you do it all the time for me so why is it when I do it you can’t fucking stand it!”_

_“The team and I will do just fine without you, I would do a hell of a lot better without you that’s for sure you’d be one less person for me to worry about so trust me I would truly be better if you weren’t there!” Now that really hurt. Tears began to well in your eyes, lower lip quivering. Bucky pulled his bag over his shoulder roughly, not sparing a second glance at you as he brushed past you roughly shoulder knocking into yours._

_“Bucky please don’t do this, I’m your goddamn partner.” You pleaded sniffling, and you meant that statement in more ways than one._

_Bucky scoffed at that as he walked away from you, you heard the door open then slam loudly behind him. Sobs wracked your body, tears blurring your vision. A scream erupted from your lips as the anger and sadness consumed you, picking up the closet thing you could find, you flung it roughly at the wall, the heavy object crashing to the floor leaving a dent behind. You let out a choked sob crumpling to the floor holding yourself as the tears fell heavily from your eyes._

You gasped as you stumbled backwards losing your footing on the carpeted floor falling back. You scrambled on your hands away from the wall, your head hitting the side of the bed as you cowered into the side of the mattress. You heaved in breath’s as you tried to control the sobs that wanted to be let out. The pain pulsing through your head was nothing compared to the ache that now throbbed throughout your chest. You had never felt so broken, so alone then you did in this moment, you didn’t even want to imagine the pain you felt at that exact moment in time.

You felt trapped, you couldn’t seem to catch a breath as you continued to stare at that wall, this memory deeply etched into you mind. You pulled yourself up scrambling around as you gathered your shoes and a sweater. You about ran out of that room and the apartment, you weren’t sure where you were going or what you were running too but you knew you couldn’t be in there, you needed to get away.

Your lungs were on fire, you came to an abrupt stop, hands falling to your knees as your braced yourself sucking in big breaths of air. You pulled your phone from the pocket of your sweater scrolling through your contacts, you fingers clicked against your screen bringing the phone up to you ear.

“Y/n” Bucky answered worry lacing his voice.

You let out a shaky breath, “ Bucky I - I really need someone right now, I don’t want to be alone.”

You could hear him shuffling around, “where are you, are you at the beach or your apartment?” He questioned.

You looked around at your surroundings, noticing a park in the far distance.

“I don’t know where I am Bucky, I see a park though.”

Bucky sucked in a breath, he knew where you were, he knew exactly where you were.

“I’ll be right there y/n just hold on tight for me and please stay put, please don’t do anything reckless, I promise I’ll be there soon.”


	5. Past

After the line had gone silent with Bucky’s promise you made your way over to the closest bench; plopping yourself down onto the wooden seat you rested your head in your hands willing yourself to catch a breath.

You weren’t sure how long you had sat there eyes closed before you heard his voice

“y/n, sweetheart you okay?”

Your head snapped up eyes wide watching Bucky approach you from the side slowly. His steps were cautious as he approached you; you shot up from the seat flinging yourself into his chest, arms wrapping around him, hands clinging to his back tightly. Bucky’s hands remained at his sides, you could feel the hesitation,  
  


“Please hold me, please I need to feel something, I need to feel you.” You whispered a shaky breath leaving your lips.

Only then did you feel Bucky’s arms wrap themselves around you; anchoring you down, keeping you and your racing thoughts grounded. His hand rubbed soothing circles on you back,

“What’s going on doll, you seem like you’ve seen a ghost.” He questioned concern lacing his tone.

You kept your face pressed against his chest, your response muffled in his shirt. His chest shook with laughter beneath your cheek.

“I didn’t quite catch that doll.”

You rubbed your face against his chest peering up at him, his icy irises staring back at you.

“I’m starting to remember more with you, it’s like since seeing you, more is starting to come up, more of you..” you whispered.

A hint of a smile appeared on Bucky’s lips, “do you know where we are, did you remember this place?”

You shook your head with a frown, confusion washing over your features as you pondered, “No I wasn’t sure where i was going, i just knew that i couldn’t be home anymore, the last memory just really put me in a horrible head space and i needed to get out, to get away.”

Bucky watched you with concern, squeezing your side comfortingly, “Doll i think you’re beginning to remember more than you’re 66666665 on the best of terms this was the place you would escape to, this was also the place i asked you..”

Your brows furrowed in confusion, “ You asked me?” you questioned.

He was quiet for a second, “Do you trust me?”

You stared at him intensely, your eyes glancing over his features. Did you trust him? You couldn’t quite grasp the expression that had come over his face but you picked up on his nervousness, and was that love in his eyes?

You bit your lip, “I do” even though you still had no idea who he was, you trusted him, and you felt safe with him.

Bucky hid his grin as he released you from his arms, extending his hand palm up to you. You put your hand in his, goosebumps erupting throughout your body at the feeling of your hand in his. Bucky pulled you along as you both walked further into the park, you weaved through various trees, even bypassing a line of benches till he brought you both to a stop, you paused by him looking out to the scenic waterfront.

“What are we doing here?” you questioned glancing up at him.

“I want to try something, you trust me right?”

“Should i be scared?” you asked with a nervous chuckle.

Bucky laughed squeezing your hand, “No doll, you have nothing to be scared of.” he replied as he turned you to face him gripping your other hand in his gloved one. Again you found yourself staring into his breathtakingly beautiful eyes

“Now what?” you whispered.

“Close your eyes for me”

“What?” you squeaked out.

He took a step closer to you, “Just trust me, close your eyes doll.”

You thought over his words before letting your eyes slip shut slowly, it was quiet for a moment, “Bucky?” you questioned nervously.

“I’m right here doll, just relax for me.” he responded in a whisper.

You took in a deep breath, “Picture it doll, It’s a warm breezy Friday morning in August we’re out for a run with the team, you’re hair is flowing in the wind, you’re running down this very street, when you stop to catch your breath..”

Bucky’s voice became an echo in your ears as your mind concentrated on his words, letting yourself picture the scene, becoming lost in his words.

_You doubled over hands coming to your knees as you gasped trying to catch your breath, goddamn super soldiers and their goddamn super serum._

_“On your left” you perked your head up slightly as you saw both Steve and Sam run past you, you grunted muttering a curse under your breath._

_“What was that doll, i don’t think they heard you.” Bucky teased_

_You turned around sending him your best attempt of a hateful glare, “shove off buck, don’t get me started on your hearing.”_

_Bucky threw his head back in laughter his metal arm gleaming in the warm sun where it draped itself across his stomach. You smacked at his chest as you straightened yourself out, groaning at the ache in your muscles._

_“Don’t be jealous doll.”_

_You scoffed rolling your eyes a small smirk playing on your lips. “Jealous, of you? Please your practically a fossil.”_

_Bucky’s smile turned into a menacing smirk as he drew in closer to you. You tried to side step his movements letting out a yelp as he grabbed you in his grip, arms looping around your waist tightly. He had you tightly pressed to his chest both his arms flexing around you tightly as you tried to squirm from his grip._   
_He stared down at you with a smirk, “Bucky let go you’re all sweaty.” You groaned a giggle slipping from your lips as his fingers ghosted up your sides._

_“Oh I’m sorry babe, does me being sweaty bother you?” He questioned leaning his head down to nip at your neck “I don’t recall you complaining last night.” He whispered huskily into your ear._

_Goosebumps erupted throughout your skin, “my god you’re insufferable,” you whispered a moan slipping past your lips._

_“When has that even been a bad thing, look at how far it got me.”_

_You leaned your head back slightly getting a good look at Bucky, your hands came up to grip his cheeks, “It has gotten you far hasn’t it.” you teased kissing his lips lightly._

_“How much farther do you think it can get me?” he questioned_

_You shrugged your shoulders running your fingers through his hair, Bucky’s eyes softened a certain glint to them. He leaned his head down resting his head against your’s “Marry me sweetheart.”_

You gasped opening your eyes, staring into Bucky’s "Did i - did i say yes?“.

A smile appeared on Bucky’s face, "Yeah sweetheart, eventually you gave into my persistence, i think me being on what you considered my _death bed_ really did it for you though.”

you chuckled slightly, “I wish i could have remembered that exact moment though, I’m just grateful i have you to remember these things now.” you whispered. You leaned up onto your toes pulling Bucky in for a tight embrace.

_“Steven Grant Rogers why did you not tell me earlier that he would be arriving today, you could have given me a heads up I-”_

_Steve looked over to you frozen at the door that you had thrown open to the conference room, he raised a brow a smirk on his face at your frozen posture. You shut your mouth looking at the two men in the room._

_You pointed at the man standing next to Steve, your mouth opening and closing, “Is that, is that him?” you squeaked._

_Bucky removed himself from the table walking over to you slowly a barely there smile on his face, Steve stood behind an almost protective stance to him hand clasped on his shoulder and you could understand why with everything that he had gone through to get him here in this exact spot, you were not fortunate enough to meet him when the other team had as you had been placed on a mission over seas and could not get back in time to help the team when they needed you, or rather when Steve had needed your help. By the time you had received word from Steve everything had gone south._

_“Y/n this is James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve spoke over his shoulder. You peered over Bucky’s shoulder at Steve raising a brow._

_“Uh no Steve this is Bucky.” Both Steve and Bucky chuckled at that._

_You saw bucky extended his hand out towards you, you looked down at his hand raising a questioning brow at him, on the team you were known for not having boundaries, and well Bucky would surely not be an acceptance to this. You threw your arms open flinging them around his shoulder before Steve could so much as utter a word out. “Its so good to finally meet you Bucky, I’ve heard so many great things about you from Steve.”_

_Bucky’s hands remained at his side not quite expecting this, “I wouldn’t say that doll but thank you.” he whispered looking down._

_You pulled back slightly, leaning down to look into his eyes, “ This is going to be a new start for you Bucky, Steve’s going to be here and well so am I, you’re part of the team.” You smiled. You pulled him into another embrace feeling like he needed it, you looked at Steve over his shoulder sending him a smile_

_he mouthed a “Thank you.” you nodded your head squeezing Bucky a little tighter._

“Doll, doll, sweetheart, sweetheart come on open your eyes!”

Your eyes shot open, tears gleaming, “Sweetheart what happened are you okay?” Bucky rushed out concern lacing his features, his hands gripping your face as he looked you over.

Your eyes closed a tear slipping down your cheek, “I remembered Bucky, I- I remembered meeting you but, but that’s all i can remember right now.” You whispered a sob leaving your lips.

Bucky pulled you into his arms tightly, his hands running over your head as he tried to soothe you.

“Bucky can you tell me about myself, even if you think it will hurt me to know about, can you please tell me whatever it is you think i need to know, i need answers Buck, i want to remember.” you whispered into his chest.

Bucky leaned down to kiss your head, “I’ll tell you whatever it is you want to know doll, i promise.”


	6. Remembrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 is as far as i have, i will be updating this series hopefully every Monday and Saturdays as my weekends are my only day's off, as i stated before most of my works are on tumblr and i do have more over there that i will more than likely move over here, but you can also follow me on tumblr its the same user name! Feedback is greatly appreciated!

Bucky removed himself from you slightly his eyes meeting yours, “come on doll let’s sit down, you’re shaking.” he spoke lightly his gloved hands rubbing up and down your arms, “let’s go sit on the bench over there and you can ask me anything you’d like.” You nodded numbly letting buckys gloved hand twine with your’s as he pulled you to the closest bench, he pulled you both down onto the wooden seat, his arm wrapping itself around your shaking figure protectively.

“I’m not sure where to even start.” you whispered “Do i have any friends, any family?” you asked as you looked up at him with confused furrowed brows.

He let out a chuckle, a shake to his head, “Friends, well friends you have quite a variety of but family, what’s family in your eyes?” he asked a thoughtful gleam in his eyes.

His question seemed to confuse you further, “Oh god, do i not have a family, am i truly alone in this world, I mean i don’t think it would be a bad thing but do i really not have any family anywhere, oh my go-”

“Y/n, calm down doll.” he chuckled cutting off any further rambling.

You sighed, hand rubbing over your face, “I’m sorry Bucky.”

He gave you a comforting smile, “ It’s okay doll, and yes you do have family, again just like your friends you have a wide variety of family, though it isn’t the traditional family if you get what i mean.” he spoke his hand that wasn’t wrapped around you came up to rub the back of his neck.

“I actually am not sure what you mean.” you whispered.

Bucky sighed knowing he would have to tell you, “What i meant sweetheart is that you don’t have any blood relatives but your friends, well they quickly became the family that you never had.”

“Oh, I understand, well you know what i mean, is that, do you think that’s why i haven’t seen them in one of my memories?”

Bucky nodded his head slightly before continuing, “Your family wasn’t around any longer when the team took you in, if im not mistaken that was at the age of 18, you had been alone for so long that the second they brought you on board they had become your family, your unit to fall back on.”

“If they’re family why hadn’t they tried to reach out, to check in on me?” you questioned.

The questioned startled bucky his eyes widening, “Doll i didn’t think, shit i’m sorry.”

“Buck it’s fine, I’m obviously starting to remember a few things, I know - I know that we’re together.” you spoke quietly.

He sighed, “Right I know but i still am very sorry. "He spoke with sincerity. "I know how much you mean to the team, well to all of us myself included and i didn’t want them to freak you out with them calling and texting with you not knowing who they were. It was hard to get them to stay away but i let it be know that you needed time and to let me explain things to you first, while hard they understood.”

You gave bucky a small smile reaching over to his hand and squeezing it in yours, “Thank you for that, that makes sense, and your right i don’t think i would have handled that well.” you chuckled slightly.

Bucky grinned at your words, “The team really does miss you doll and maybe whenever you feel up for it you’d like to meet them?” he questioned, your eyes widened slightly, “It could be one at a time doll, and of course whenever YOUR ready.” he reassured noticing your change in demeanor.

“Yeah, yeah that would be okay.” you responded allowing yourself to relax.

Bucky laughed slightly pulling you in a bit closer, “It doesn’t have to be anytime soon, and like i said its whenever you feel comfortable enough with the situation, only when you’re ready doll.”

You nodded allowing yourself to lean into him more, “okay.” you nodded, “I’ll let you know though I’m not sure it’ll be too soon you’re the only one i am getting flashbacks of at the moment.”

He rubbed his hand comfortingly on your shoulder giving it a squeeze, “It’ll come back to you y/n” he spoke a hopefulness to his tone.

“Actually Bucky” you spoke suddenly remembering something, “do i know Steve rogers?”

His mouth opened in slight shock, “ Do you - do you remember Steve?” he questioned a mix of shock and joy in his voice.

“Well no not really because there wasn’t much to go on by, but he was there when i first met you in the conference room.” “Is he a friend?” you questioned unsure.

“Yeah, yeah he is.” he spoke nodding his head

“So i know one of the avenger’s?” you wondered.

Bucky laughed shaking his head.

“What, am i wrong?” you questioned embarrassment creeping onto your cheeks the longer bucky laughed.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry doll.” he smiled taking a breath to calm himself. “Yes you know an avenger but he’s not the only avenger, you’re actually way more than you think.”

“Really?” you asked.

Buckys face turned serious, “ yeah doll, really.” his lips slipped turned into a frown as he looked down.

You suddenly realized something, “You’re one of them aren’t you?” you questioned “Wait does that mean, does that mean I’m an avenger too?” you questioned quickly cursing yourself for not having picked up on it sooner.

He looked down at you nodding a small smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes, “It’s okay, i didn’t expect you to, i mean, fuck.” he let out a rough breath through his nose, eyes slipping shut. “I’m sorry, i know this isn’t easy on you by any means, and i’m trying but its just as hard for me you know?”

“Y/n” he questioned when you didn’t reply a far off look in your eyes.

_“Buck i really think we should be getting back, Steve’s going to be pissed if you’re late again.” you said willing the strong minded solider back to the hanger, your attempts were feeble as he pulled you through the facility._

_“Doll Steve can wait, this can’t.” he replied looking over his shoulder at you. “Now come on.”_

_He continued to pull you along once you had stepped off the elevators having reached the top floor. He led you through the double doors leading out onto the balcony. A cool breeze fanned across your face as you followed behind him, you continued following behind him as he brought you to the glass surrounding the balcony over looking the grass and trees surrounding the facility._

_He pulled you to stand in front of him his body pressing yours into the railing as his arms encircled your waist tightly, his head resting itself in the crook of your neck. You smiled giving in and letting yourself lean back into his solid mass, your hands rested on top of his as you looked out to the rising sun, the structure you stood upon offering you a breathtaking view._

_“It’s beautiful buck.” you murmured, eyes roaming the scenery in front of you._

_“Yes, you are.” he spoke into your neck, a kiss accentuating each word._

_Chills ran up your spine a giggle leaving your lips as you shy’d away from his lips, “Ever the charmer” you teased looking over to him. He chuckled holding you tighter swaying the both of you slightly, you closed your eyes letting yourself moment, savor the feeling of his body pressed tightly to yours, as if he could read the storm in your mind he spoke up softly,_

_“I don’t want to leave, i don’t want to leave you.” he whispered into the morning._

_“I don’t want you to leave either.” you agreed. “but you have a job Buck, and the boy’s need you on this one just as much as i want you to stay.”_

_“I know sweetheart” he sighed “I’m just going to miss you so much i hate when you’re not with me.”_

_You smiled, “I’m going to miss you too buck.”_

_You turned in his arms, your arms wrapping around the his neck, “I love you Buck.” you spoke softly pulling him down to press a kiss to his lips. He smiled into the kiss pressing his lips to yours harder, “ I love you too.” he replied into your lips, his teeth nibbling at your bottom lip._

_“Buck” you giggled a moan tumbling from your lips._

_“Mr. Barnes, Mr. Rogers is requiring your presence at the hanger.” The AI spoke._

_Bucky pulled his lips from yours groaning, “Come on sweetheart.” he whispered grasping your hand._

_When you reached the hangar Steve and Sam stood at the entrance a look of annoyance on each of their faces, “Buck, what have we told you about reporting late.” Steve questioned his fatherly voice taking over._

_“Needed some time with my girl.” he responded shrugging his shoulder a smile on his face as he looked down at you._

_“Its a week tops buck, its not like you wont be coming back to her.” Sam spoke a teasing smirk on his lips._

_“Bucky waved them both off, letting go of your hand as he stepped off to the side to gather all his belongings._

_Steve strode up to you, pulling you into a hug, "You better take care of him Rogers, same for wilson.” you mumbled into his chest._

_Steve pulled you back his arms still around you, “I promise I’m bringing him back to you, we’re all coming home.” You nodded as Steve released you from his arms, Sam taking his place just as quick,_

_“I guarantee this will be the last mission we take one of you without the other, you’re both making me miserable and we haven’t even left.” Sam teased._

_“Shut it bird brain.” you laughed into his shoulder._

_Sam looked down at you a serious expression overtaking his features, “he’s going to be okay, he’s going to come back to you, and so are we.” he assured rubbing your cheek affectionately._

_You nodded your head smiling warmly up at Sam, “now you have one minute with your man before Steve drags him onto that jet, that’s all I’m giving you.” he winked as he pulled himself away from you._

_You watched Sam grab his things whispering something into Steve’s ear, Steve looked over to you sending you a nod before grabbing his belongings and following Sam onto the jet. You looked over to Bucky who’s back was still facing you as he sorted through his things, you walked over to him, “Hey buck” you spoke grabbing his attention. Bucky turned his head in question, you crashed into him, standing up onto the tips of your toes grabbing his head in your hands as you pulled his head down connecting your lips in a heated kiss. You both pulled away when you heard steve call for him, he placed one last kiss to your lips. You watched as he grabbed his things making his way over to the jet._

_Steve and Sam joined him at the ramp, bucky winked at you a loving smile on his face as the men waved at you, the ramp slowly pulling up till they were out of your sight,_

“Y/n?!”

A gasp left your lips as your vision came back to focus, Bucky was kneeled in front of you his hands grasping your cheeks tightly.

“Babe, your crying.” he spoke softly his hand running softly under your eyes, your eyes slipped shut at the feeling.

“It was another memory.” you assured, opening your eyes.

“Was it a sad one?” he questioned worried about the tears tracking down your cheeks.

You shook your head, “ No, it was of you, you were leaving for a mission, you had taken me to the balcony to watch the sunrise.”

“Then why are you crying sweetheart.” he questioned.

You shrugged your shoulder not really having an answer, you had found yourself crying alot these day’s, “Lately its been happening more often than not when i have a flashback to a memory, i can feel all the emotions that come with that one memory, its overwhelming, memories like these i don’t mind its better than the feelings the other ones bring.”

“Other ones?” he questioned brows furrowed.

“Yeah” you nodded your head. “there are flashbacks that have happier moments, and im okay, then there are the darker ones where everything around me is seemingly falling apart.” you explained quietly.

“Oh..” he whispered a look of understanding washing over him.

“You know don’t you?” you questioned.

Bucky nodded his head, “Doll the life we live isn’t always the easiest and there were more harder day’s then there could have been good at times.”

You went to open your mouth to question him some more, but he held up his hand silencing you, “I think you need to rest sweetheart, we’ve been out here for sometime, i think we should get you home.”

Your shoulder slumped, you still had so many more questions, but you knew bucky was only looking out for you, you knew he didn’t want you overwhelming yourself anymore than you probably had.

“Come on sweetheart, let me take you home.” he spoke as he stood extending his hand out for you to grab.

“I don’t want to go back there.” you spoke quickly gripping his hand as you stood.

Bucky looked at you tilting his head, “Where do you want to go then?” he questioned.

“Home.” you responded, bucky looked at you confused. “I want to go home with you.”


	7. Want

Bucky paused in his steps frozen as he looked down at you his complexion overtaken by shock, "Do you think that's a good idea?" he questioned in an almost whisper.

You were a bit taken back to say the least, surely the thought of you wanting to go home with him should have made him happy, but then you saw it; underlying his happiness was also fear, you suddenly understood his initial reaction, his uncertainty. This would be a huge step, not only for yourself but for Bucky as well. You would be going back to your place, the place you shared the most intimate moments with him, the thought of all the memories coming to you all at once had you shaking in your skin. While you wanted to remember, you didn't think you would be able to handle all of it at once, having all of it come crashing down on you like a tidal wave.

"Well I just, i thought, i-" you sighed stammering over your words. "I guess, i don't know." you whispered your eyes falling to your feet.

"Y/n look i know this is hard on you, i can't even begin to imagine what it is you go through on a daily, but doll its hard on me, its hard on the team." he sighed "But doll i can't have you making a rash decision, you need to take your time, you need to be patient, as much as i want you to come home with me, to me, i can't have you making such a big decision and then freaking out, i can't have you pushing me away once more."he whispered a pain look crossed his features when you looked up at him. "I cant lose you again doll, i just can't."

"I just want to remember." You admitted softly your voice giving way to the tears you were holding back.

"and you will sweetheart, i promise that you will." he stated strongly, certain of his assumption.

You shook your head, your self doubt creeping in, "But what if i dont Bucky, what then?" you questioned exasperated. "You just don't understand, when i have these flashback of memories i can feel everything, i can feel every single moment, I can feel the love that i had for you, i can feel your hands in mine, the way you smelled, your lips on mine, i can feel your love." You gasped choking back a sob. "And then when i come to, i feel nothing, I feel nothing and i hate it, I hate that i feel like I'm living two lives and i can't tell which is mine, I hate that i feel like i'm watching somebody else's life instead of my own!" you cried, the tears now flowing down your cheeks steadily.

"sweetheart." Bucky whispered stepping closer to you.

"I just want to remember you." You whimpered looking up into his eyes.

You saw the tears cloud over bucky's eyes, "You will baby, i promise that you will, you just need some time, that's all baby, you just need time."

Your eyes slipped shut at the feeling of having bucky's gloved hands come up to your cheeks his gloved thumbs wiping away at the tears steadily streaming down your face. You took a step forward letting yourself fall into him, your arms wrapping tightly around his back as you sobbed into his chest. Bucky's arms wrapped around you, his hand running up and down your back in comforting manner. His head found its way into your neck, his tears meeting your shoulder, a shaky breath leaving his lips. Your hands tightened around his back, attempting to comfort him the best that you could.

You eventually pulled away from bucky to bring your hand up to wipe at your face, sniffling as you met bucky's eyes giving him a pained smile at the sight of him wiping at his own tears.

"Uhm Bucky, i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, do you think, would you go with me?" you questioned quietly looking up at him.

He gave you a barely there smile, "I'll be there sweetheart."

You nodded your head thanking him with a smile of your own, "You ready to head home?" he questioned.

You sighed shaking your head, "No, not really." you admitted, but you still found yourself turning on your heels making your way through the park. Bucky chuckled his feet crunching at the gravel as he followed behind you.

The car ride back to your cold apartment was silent, but a comforting silence, one that allowed you to get a hold of your thoughts. You also allowed yourself to look over at Bucky from time to time, to memorize him. You noticed that he drove with his right hand gripping the wheel tightly his left perched on the clutch, you also picked up on his left hand occasionally inching towards but then stopping all movements, as if Bucky would catch what he was doing and remember the situation that you were both in. You had a feeling that he used to drive with his right clutching the wheel and his left gripping your thigh, and the more you thought about it the more you could feel yourself remembering what that might feel like, what his touch might be like.

You chewed on your bottom lip glancing out the passenger window as the darkened scenery rolled past you. It was a strange feeling the memories, to even think that one time you had shared intimate moments with someone who was now a stranger to you.

"You okay?" Bucky questioned taking notice of how glued to the door you had become, your head resting on the cool window.

I'm okay." you muttered your voice coming out strained.

He raised a brow confused at the tone of your voice, "You sure?"

"I'm sure."

Bucky chuckled from beside you his head shaking, "Can i ask you something?"

"Of course." you replied feeling relief wash over you at your voice coming out more smoothly.

"You told me that i was the only one really coming out in your memories, can i ask what the memories were of?"

Your eyes widened slightly, your hand came up to rub at the back of your neck, "Well i remember the first day i met you, i also remember training with you, and going on missions with you." a blush creeped onto your cheek as you remembered the more intimate moment shared with him "I also remember talking about the wedding.." you spoke quietly.

Bucky was stunned, "Wow, uh wow, that's actually a lot more than what i was expecting." he mused. "Wait you remember things about the wedding?"

"Well, i mean kind of, i noticed that i had been wearing an engagement band, and considering some of the memories, i pieced some together and assumed we were getting married." you shrugged feeling a little uncertain of yourself but not willing to show it.

"You said some of the memories, what memories helped you come to the conclusion."

A blush rose to your cheeks as you casted your head down, "Uh well really it was one where we were in the shower together." 

"Oh, i see." Bucky said, a look of understanding crossing his features, you noticed his lips curl into a smile, a smile he tried to contain.

The roads began to grow more similar as you grew closer to your apartment complex, you fiddled with your hands in your lap. You sighed as Bucky pulled into the parking spot of your apartment, you really did not want to be alone again.

"Hey, you okay doll?" bucky questioned from beside you, his hand coming to rest on your knee, the motion alone sent a comforting feeling through you.

Turning to face him, you willed yourself to speak, "Buck, thank you, really. I know you've pointed out that you can't imagine what it's like for me." you paused. "But i don't think i could ever bear having to go through what you are, i mean, I'm just sorry that i can't remember you quicker."

"Y/n i promise you i'm fine, i care about you sweetheart, and i just want you to be okay, even if you can't remember me right away these moments right here, me getting to spend time with you, well sweetheart that's all i could ever need from you right now." he spoke sincerity in his voice.

"Now i'll see you tomorrow at 10:30, go inside and rest."

You looked at him surprised, you hadn't told him the time, much yet the place, you opened your mouth to question him, "don't worry sweetheart, im listed as your emergency contact." he assured sending you a wink.

You closed his car door behind you waving at him before backing up onto the pathway, watching as he drove off before heading to your front door.

"God why do i keep forgetting to restock this damn fridge!" you grumbled not finding anything appetizing much less appeasing to put into your stomach. Your fridge was literally empty except for the occasional white takeout box, which has sat in your fridge for way longer than intended. You scrunched up your nose, you would need to make a trip to the little convenient store down the street. Before embarking from your house, you looked around for you purse, sifting through it to make sure you had what you needed.

When you reached the convenient store you noticed it was surprisingly busy, which was usually unlikely especially around this time. This had been one of the few places that you remembered, seeing as you always found yourself coming here to restock the necessities of your "home". You tried to make your way quickly around the store, never stopping to long in an aisle. With you attempting to rush the aisles, when you turned the corner to head into the next you and your shopping basket collided into another.

"Oh my god, im so sorry, are you okay?" you rushed out, reaching out to help steady the woman that you had collided with.

The redheaded woman brushed you off, "It's alright, i'm fin-" she paused, her eyes widening as she finally looked at you.

You grew concerned, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, i'm fine thanks." she spoke her brows slightly furrowed.

"Well, i'm really sorry." you muttered as you readjusted your things before scurrying off in the other direction, at this point you just wanted to pay and get out of here, this had been a mistake.

You made your way to the front of the store choosing the closest check out, placing your things onto the conveyor belt. You made to move but stopped when a box of cookies was placed with your other items on the belt. You looked up, it was the redhead you had slammed into.

"Uhm i'm sorry but those aren't mine.." you spoke eyeing her warily.

"I know, but i know you'll want them." she responded, sounded very sure of herself.

You raised a brow at her, "I'm sorry but what makes you say that you dont even know who i am."

she smirked, "trust me i know enough about you, you really should take them возлюбленная."

You went to reply, but the word registered in your mind, your eyes widened as you gasped, "Natasha?"


	8. Home

_A soft knock sounded on your door, you looked up through watery eyes from where you sat a broken heap on the floor. You didn't have the strength to answer, the pain your body felt weighing too much on you, you casted your eyes back to the carpeted floor beneath you hoping your silence would make the person on the other side of your door go away._

_You heard the creak of your door, a pair of black socked feet appeared in your vision. You couldn't bring yourself to look up._

_"возлюбленная" The voice whispered. You peeked up through your lashes to see Natasha kneeled in front of you a look of sympathy on her face. Your lip wobbled, a sob escaped past your lips as you flung your arms around her. Natasha wrapped you in her arms the best that she could given her position, she ran a hand over your head pulling you closer as your body shook the more the tears ran down your face. Natasha let you cry, her hand running soothing circles on your back to let you know she was there for when you were ready. Eventually the tears halted, your eyes burning and rimmed a bright red. You sniffled wiping at your face with the back of your hand._

_Natasha moved you around with her as she got comfortable on the floor with you, her arm was still wrapped around you as she leaned you both against your bed. "I'm sorry." you whispered ever so quietly. This wasn't like you, this had been a new side Nat ever had to witness._

_She hushed you, "You don't have to be sorry, you want to tell me what happened though, I've never seen Bucky that distraught."_

_You could feel the tears wanting to well at your eyes at the sound of his name leaving her lips, "He said i was being reckless the last couple of missions, he even had Steve bench me." You whispered. "I couldn't even get a word in Nat, he wouldn't let me explain."_

_Natasha stayed quiet while you spoke her hand rubbing up and down your arm comfortingly, she let out a sigh, "I'm so sorry y/n, I can't say anything to justify Bucky's actions because we all know the risks that come with this job, and well we're not all super soldiers here, but we do have things that we do well within the field, I've seen you work, and i have no doubt in my mind that what you do, you only do because you know it was the right thing to do at the right moment, but you also have to understand where he comes from, he know's you're not a super solider, and he knows that one wrong move on your end could have you dead within seconds, if he get's like this he's probably afraid to lose you" she nudged you slightly to get you to look over to her "he loves you y/n, and there's no words to describe the love that brooding man has for you."_

_You let out a watery chuckle, "I've never seen him that mad before Nat, he said -” the tears threatened to overwhelm you again, you sucked in a breath calming yourself, "he said that team and him would be better off without me, he said he would do a hell of a lot better without me, that i would be one less person for him to worry about."_

_Natasha pulled you deeper into her side, your head fell onto her shoulder, hers finding its way on top of yours, "Barnes say's a lot of things out of fear and anger, I'm sure he didn't mean any of that, besides he's the one that requested you both be placed on mission's together don't you remember that?" she questioned._

_You nodded your head, "But-"_

_Natasha gave you a stern glare, "No but's i promise Bucky didn't mean a word he said, not with his face looking just as worse for wear as your's does right now." she teased "I'm not sure when he'll come around but that man cannot be without you, he loves you too much."_

_You sniffled a bit more deciding not to argue with the redheaded assassin sitting next to you, "Now i believe you need some cheering up." she spoke somewhat cheerily, you heard the crinkle of a wrapped box, natasha producing a box of cookies from her side smiling warmly at you. "But first let's get you out of your gear and checked out in med-bay before we have ourselves a girls night."_

_You nodded your head, letting Natasha stand up before she offered you a hand pulling you up._

"Nat?" you questioned wide eyed staring at the redhead in front of you.

A surprised smirk spread across her face "You remember?" she asked shocked, her brow raising in question.

"I- well kind of, but not really." You stammered your breath coming out slightly labored, your emotions were beginning to get the best of you.

Nat stared at you, analyzing you, "What does that mean?"

You laughed nervously feeling sweat begin to pool around your hairline, the conveyor belt that carried your things began to move forward, you moved with it, "I, uhm, I remembered the time that Bucky and i got into a huge fight, you came to comfort me in my room, but i don't remember much." you explained, rubbing at the side of your head where a headache was beginning to form.

"Wow, that's" natasha paused "I wasn't expecting you to remember me, I'm sorry if i scared you or freaked you out." she spoke amazed, laughing slightly.

"I won't lie you definitely freaked me out a bit." you spoke chuckling slightly.

Natasha offered you a warm smile as the line began to move up, she pushed you forward slightly moving in front of you as she asked the cashier to kindly ring your items up together, you went to decline the offer but the cashier was already running both your things through the scanner, natasha pulling out her wallet as she paid for your things. She handed your bags to you, grabbing hers as she walked with you towards the exit of the convenient store.

"So how have you been? Bucky stopped by this morning and he said you were making some progress.”

"Yeah some _progress."_ you muttered, a sigh left your lips " I mean, it's just really hard to explain, like i get these flashbacks of memories that usually come at random times, and its like for that moment that its happening i'm watching a movie except i can feel and understand things that are happening but i don't remember actually living them, i just, i can't explain it."

Natasha let out a breath of air, "God that sound's like a lot."

You nodded your head as you stepped out into the stale air, "Trust me it is, its so frustrating."

"For what it's worth,I'm really sorry for springing anything on you back there, it wasn't my place to do that." she spoke giving you an apologetic smile.

You smiled back at her, "please don't be sorry, i'm in a way glad you did, I mean, I may not know who you are, but i do know that i know you, and it's nice to know there are more people aside from Bucky that i know."

Natasha chuckled shaking her head at you, "How much do you actually remember of him?" she questioned.

Your eyes casted to the ground at her question, shoulder falling, "Not as much as I'd like?" you muttered glumly.

"I'm sorry y/n, I'm sure it's going to come back soon enough." she assured you placing a hand on your shoulder to give it a comforting squeeze.

"If you want, and your ever in need of a shoulder to lean on you can call or text me, you should still have my number, if not you can ask Bucky for it."

"I will." you promised.

Natasha gave you a small wave as she left you at your car, heading towards the other side of the parking lot to hers.

You started your drive home, the windows rolled down to breathe in the fresh night air. Your head was spinning and quite literally throbbing at the fact that you had remembered another person that was not Bucky. Your mind was still reeling as you parked your car out on the street, shutting it off as you grabbed your bags pulling yourself from the car. You stepped foot onto the pathway before stopping in place, you froze. You finally took notice of your surroundings, you were in a neighborhood that wasn't yours, in front of a home that definitely wasn't your apartment.

You began to back away, a voice stopping you,

"Y/N?"

You turned towards the voice eye's wide, Bucky stood there just as shocked.

"Bucky?" you asked confused, you looked around you again before looking back towards him, you were confused trying to figure out what was going on.

"Are you okay doll, is something wrong?" he questioned as he took a step towards you.

"I" you paused shaking your head a throbbing pain forming at the back of your skull "I thought i was driving home, but this definitely isn't my apartment.

Bucky watched you with worried eyes, watching your's dart around frantically trying so hard to recognize your surroundings.

"Sweetheart it's okay." he whispered laying a hand on your shoulder.

You looked over at him wide-eyed, "But bucky i don't even know where I am, I don't know how i even got myself here." you whispered breaths coming out fast.

"Breathe." he instructed "Just breathe, you're okay."

"Where am i Bucky?" you questioned trying to reign in on your breathing.

Bucky gave you a worried look, as if the answer he was about to give you was sure to be something to really set you off, he sighed,

"You're home, our home."


	9. Never Let Me Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Chapter 9! Finally another chapter, and honestly i was so proud of this one! I hope you all enjoy and love this one as much as i enjoyed writing it! Please let me know what you all think of this chapter or series in general are y’all enjoying it so far? Feedback is always welcome and helps aid me in where to take my next chapters! Happy Readings!

_Our home._

Bucky's words resonanted bouncing around in your head, your breathing became labored quickly.

"Oh god!" you whispered shakily, your quivering hands came up to get a good grip on your head, Bucky reached out to help you but you swatted him away. "What, What's happening to me?" you questioned exasperated. You kneeled down on the pavement bringing your knees to your chest, you curled in on yourself slightly, eyes closed as you tried to catch your breath.

"Y/N, doll, its okay," bucky cooed comfortingly, his voice was close enough for you to tell he was kneeled in front of you.

You shook your head back and fourth, the throbbing in your head intensifying from your erratic movements. "I don't remember this; I don't know how i got myself here!" you cried.

"Y/N , look at me." Bucky ordered, you peaked up at him through you hands, your watery gaze meeting his.

He had a stern look on his face one that quickly dissipated when he saw your broken down state, the tears that were threatening to spill down your cheeks at any moment.

"Tell me what happened doll." He spoke softly.

"That's the thing, i don't know!" you sobbed, the tears finally slipping from your eyes.

"Doll you need to take a deep breath, you need to calm down, sweetheart i need you to relax right now." he stated softly but sternly, you nodded your head slowly.

You did as Bucky had said, you took in a deep breath holding it in for a moment before releasing the air through your nose. You found yourself repeating the notion a few more times before you started to feel the intended effect; your heartbeat began to slow, the throbbing in your head subsiding. You closed your eyes to ground yourself more, but found them snapping open when you felt arms sliding around and under you as you were lifted up. An awkward squawk left your lips at the sudden motion, Bucky's chest quaked underneath you as he walked you up the pathway of your shared home; bringing you both to a swing that was set up on your porch. You couldn't quite understand the disappointment that washed over you when Bucky sat you down on the chair a foot of space between you. Bucky brought your feet to rest on his lap, as he pushed his feet on the ground to swing you both slightly.

"better?" he questioned as he rubbed at your ankles.

You nodded your head, giving Bucky a glimpse of a smile, "Thank you Buck." you whispered earning yourself a smile.

"You want to talk about what happened?" he questioned after a moment, you took in a breath.

"uhm, well, i went to the store because i needed to stock up somethings in my apartment, and while i was out i ran into this woman, like literally i guess i was not looking where i was going and i bumped into her, she gave me this weird look and well i apologized and went about my way, well when i was getting my things ready to checkout she appears behind me and places these box of cookies on the belt with my stuff stating that I needed to buy them, i tried to argue with her but then she spoke one single word to me and i realized who she was, it was natasha, Bucky, i remembered Natasha." you huffed out in a rush, eyes widening.

"Wait you remembered Natasha?" Bucky questioned, the clear shock and surprise coating his features.

You nodded your head, "Yes, well, kind of it's similar to how I have started to remember you, I don't exactly remember her, but I know that I know her, you understand what I mean?" You questioned hoping he would understand your confusing way of explaining it.

He nodded giving you a small smile, "what happened after that?"

You sighed, " we talked for a few minutes and she let me know if I ever needed to talk that I could always reach out to her, then she said she'd hopefully see me later and I got in the car to drive home." Bucky nodded with understanding "while I was driving though I was still shaken up from somewhat remembering her and just thinking I really needed to get home and without realizing I ended up here." You ended quietly.

"You know y/n at the possibility of you freaking out again this is your home doll."

You nodded smiling slightly, "how long have we lived together?"

He smiled, "well when we were still at the tower I asked you to move in with me for the first time 6 months into our relationship, a couple of months ago we had talked about getting our own place, and well you and I bought this place here and fixed it up to be ours." He spoke motioning towards the home behind us.

"after you proposed." You whispered.

"Exactly sweetheart." Bucky breathes trying to control the happiness in his voice. "Y/n you're remembering so much and I don't think you realize just how much."

"It doesn't feel like it though." You replied frowning.

"I'm not sure if you've caught yourself yet, but there's been moments where you've called me buck instead of Bucky." He said smiling over at you.

"Does that mean something?" You questioned confused.

He laughed quietly. "Kind of, I mean, you didn't even realize you called me that, did you?" he asked and when you shook your head in response he continued. "You're feeling more comfortable around me, your starting to remember that you used to call me that. I mean Y/n you came here, to your home, without even thinking or knowing what you were doing, I mean, yeah it's probably a little scary but you're remembering."

It scares me, it scares me so much" You admitted quietly, closing your eyes.

"I know and I'm so sorry doll, I mean watching you like that, breaking down, you have no idea what that's like for me," he whispered. You glanced up at him, there had been something in his voice that caught your attention and now you were finally seeing how his eyes had started to cloud over, as if he was lost in a flashback of his own.

"I'm sorry," You said softly lifting your hand up to touch his cheek.

At the sound of your voice and touch of your hand, he suddenly snapped back from whatever he had been thinking about, his eyes glancing down at you. Your breathing hitched as you saw the way he was looking at you, because even though you could tell Bucky had been holding back his emotions since that first night on the beach, he wasn't holding back now as he gazed into your eyes and you could see the love that he had for you pouring out. He was staring at you as if I was the only person in this world, his world, as if you were the only one that mattered. Adding together your flashbacks and the slight knowledge that you knew, this wasn't the first time he had ever looked at you like that, you were certain, without a doubt that this man truly did love you, and that he loved you with everything he had.

The only problem, you still had no idea who he was.

You closed your eyes leaning away from him, just then realizing how close you had actually found yourself getting to him, you had felt his breath fan across your face, you could smell his musky scent as it filled your nose clouding over your thoughts and you knew that if you hadn't of pulled away then, you would have kissed and even though it obviously would not have been the first time, you didn't think you were ready for that kind of step just yet.

"It's getting pretty late, do you want to stay here?" Bucky offered you quietly.

You opened your eyes pursing your lips. "I want to, I really do," you admitted before glancing up at him with a pained expression. "But I'm scared."

He nodded in understanding . "That's okay, you don't have to tonight, but whenever you're feeling up to it, you're more than welcome to come back home."

You couldn't help but smile at his words because even though you knew it didn't make sense considering you still couldn't remember, you knew that this place was home and the fact that he was here, waiting for you, made a swarm of butterflies erupt in you stomach, you nodded you head looking away from him shyly and he laughed softly. You untangled yourself from him standing from the swing Bucky following your movements.

Bucky walked you to your car a silence hanging over the two of you. You reached your car pulling the door open before turning towards him, giving him a small smile.

"Thank you Bucky, for everything, I'm sorry for kind of just showing up here unannounced," you apologized, shaking your head as you thought about what he must have thought with you suddenly showing up here.

"Will you please stop apologizing," he practically groaned with an amused expression. "And no more thanking me either, I mean it." He said, pointing his finger at me.

You giggled Bucky grinning at you, "I can't make any promises but I will try and keep that in mind."

"I'll see you tomorrow Doll," he said taking a step away from the door so that you could slide in.

You didn't give him a response when without even thinking, much less realizing what you were doing, you suddenly took a step toward him wrapping your arms around him. You engulfed him in a hug your hands locking together behind his back, your head finding its place against his chest, his own arms encasing your body against his, albeit a bit hesitant at first, but his arms still steeled you down nonetheless. Your head found its way onto his chest, your eyes slipping shut as you let his scent engulf you, your mind drifting off to another time.

_You were standing on the tower's balcony over looking the beautiful scenery like you always did before missions except this time,something was missing or rather someone._ _You were trying so hard to root yourself, to get yourself out of the dark place you had found yourself in recently. Feeling this way would do you no good, especially with who you were expected to be partnered up with on this mission. If you were being honest with yourself you had not expected to be on this mission, you were sure Steve would have had_ _you benched for much longer with the promise Bucky had made. To say you had been surprised when your presence had been requested in the conference room would be a huge understatement, even more so when Steve had announced that you would be working alongside Bucky. Surely Steve was mistaken, Bucky had already spoken to him about the missions, surely he would have told him that he did not want to partnered up with you, was Steve not seeing it? Bucky had barely spared you a glance much less givenyou the time of day to figure out where the two of you stood. You hadn't seen much of him in the days that had passed either what with after your argument he had gone back to staying in his own room here in the tower, which left you to yours. Seeing as how things had been left and with no attempt on either end to fix the damage that had been done you were sure Bucky would have thrown a fit being paired up with someone as incapable as you, surely the team didn't need you on this mission, Bucky would rather be paired with anyone other than you, he would be just fine without you, hell he would be better off._

_It had been two day's since you had been briefed over this mission and each time that you had tried to prepare yourself you always found yourself in the dark parts of your mind with Bucky's words lingering around in your head, taunting you. You had thought coming out here before needing to meet the team down by the hangar would help but no such luck, you were feeling worse then ever before. You took in a shaky breath, you couldn't do this, you needed to get off this mission, or at least have them give Bucky a better suited partner, surely Sam or Natasha would do._

_"y/n" your breath caught in your throat, eyes widening, you were frozen in your spot._

_Your willed yourself to remain calm as you turned you head to spare him a glance, "hey." you spoke weakly giving him a small smile._

_"The team is starting to head down towards the hangar, the team couldn't find you in your room." he explained, making his way over to you,stopping once he had reached you. He leaned on the bar of the balcony, "Figured i would find you here."_

_You couldn't seem to find the words, you were still shocked to see him standing here, much less using any words with you, it had been a week of silence. You looked away from him and back out over the balcony, "can you tell the team I'll just be a minute more, I'll be down as soon as I'm ready." you whispered not trusting your voice._

_"Sure thing."_

_You saw him move from the corner of your eye, and that alone broke you. Bucky hadn't come here to fix things, he didn't come find you because HE wanted too, he came to find you because of the team, surely he was through with you. The tears at this point were threatening to spill over, you couldn't do this, you couldn't go on this mission._

_"Actually I can't do this, I can't go on this mission, I need to talk to Steve." you rushed out, voice coming out in a pained panic._

_You were quick to turn on your heel pushing yourself from the balcony, you were only able to get so far before a hand was wrapping itself around your bicep keeping you in place, "Hey woah slow down doll, what do you mean you can't do this?"_

_The word alone was enough to send the first tear rolling, you felt like you hadn't heard that word leave his lips in so long, "Please let me go Bucky, I really need to talk to Steve, I can't, I can't do this, please." You pleaded sniffling, head falling._

_"doll are you crying?" he murmured coming to stand in front of you. You kept your head down not wanting him to see you like this. Bucky's hand found its way under your quivering chin lifting it until your eyes met his, "sweetheart why are you crying, this isn't your first mission, you've done this so many time's you can do this._

_Was he being serious, y_ _ou wanted to scoff at him, "Are you being serious right now, weren't you the one that said i was reckless on missions, the one that said he would be better off without me, that the team would be better off without me? you questioned._ _"_ _I really don't want to do this, I can't be placed on this mission, I can't be asked to work alongside you." a look came over Bucky's face. "Its been a week bucky, a week since you have spoken to me, much less given me the time of day, you left me by myself for a week without even bothering to tell me where we stood, and you wouldn't even give me the chance to try and figure it out." you spoke voice rising "For a week I've had your words bouncing around in my head, for a week i needed you, i needed you and you weren't there" you cried "So please Bucky let me go, let me go because i can't do this mission. I can't be the partner you need, I'll ask Steve to place someone more capable, but please let me go, let me go get this fixed because you were right, you are much better off without me." and you meant that in more ways than one._

_Bucky's face was unreadable as you both just stood there, his arm still wrapped around yours,_

_"I can't let you do that."_

_"What do you mean you can't let me do that, Bucky you said yourself you'd be better off without me, obviously you meant it, its been a whole week!" you cried._

_Bucky's face fell, "I fucked up, I didn't mean anything i said, but the words were out of my mouth before i could even think to stop them." he spoke his eyes meeting yours. "doll i didn't mean any of those things that came out of my mouth that night, i regret every single thing i said, i was just so scared, i almost lost you."_

_"You were so scared of losing me that you pushed me away?!" you questioned angrily. "How is that right, you made me feel like i was incapable of being on this team, of being your partner, of being with you!"_

_Bucky's head fell, "I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve any of that sweetheart, and if i could redo that day and take back everything i said i would." he paused his eyes meeting yours again "Sweetheart you have to realize that you are the most capable person, you fought for your spot on this team, you had a fire in you that got you on this team, and that fire is what keeps you here, I'm so sorry i ever made you think other wise." he whispered._

_The tears were now falling harder from your cheeks, Bucky's heart was aching in his chest at the sight of your tear stained face, "Come here." he murmured as he wrapped his arms tightly around you, grounding you. "y/n, sweetheart, i love you and i'm so sorry i couldn't get my head out of my ass for more than five seconds to realize how much i had hurt you and was continuing to hurt you, you are the last person i would ever want to hurt, doll i need you to know that this team needs you, that I need you, there is no one out there that is more capable than you are, there is no one that could ever take your spot on this team." a pause "and with me, sweetheart you're it for me, you're the only person i ever want to work alongside with, and be with."_

_"But Buck-" you started to say only to have him hush you._

_" You deserve so much more than me, you deserve so much more than i can give you, but i'm going to let myself be selfish with you." he spoke pulling away slightly to look down at you._

_"Buck, I don't want anyone else, It's always been you." you sniffled._

_"Good because I'm never letting you go, you're stuck with me sweetheart, and i promise i will never hurt you ever." he murmured tightening his arms around you._

_You pressed yourself into his chest, your arms tightening around him as well the longing and need of his embrace stronger than ever, and Bucky could sense it,_

_"I'll never let you go." he repeated in your ear, before placing a kiss to your head. You knew it was a promise he intended to keep and never break._

"Don't let go," you whispered as you felt Bucky begin to pull away from your hug, fighting against the tears that were pooling behind your eyes.

He paused suddenly leaning forward again, you weren't sure how long the two of you stood there in his – or rather our driveway – standing in front of your open car door, just holding the other, but at some point, you weren't sure whose tears were soaking your shirt, his or yours, and just when you felt him pulling himself from you he leaned down and placed a kiss on your head before you felt his breath by your ear his voice was low and husky as he spoke, sending a shiver down your spine.

"I told you before, I'll never let you go."


	10. Decisions

You woke up just as exhausted as you had been when you had gone to bed. You might have slept for ten hours the day before, but unfortunately there was never enough time to make up for all the sleep you had lost since waking up from the hospital. You couldn’t help the shudder that creeped throughout your body thinking back to that night. The pain had been unbearable, the beeping that came from the machines hooked up to your body blaring obnoxiously loud, the fear that rendered you paralyzed took over the pain if only for a moment when the reality of having no idea who you were, where you were, or what had happened washed over you like an icy cold bucket of water.

You had never felt so lost, confused, the only reaction you could bring yourself to have was to burst out into hysterics. You cried, kicked, screamed, panicked because nothing in your life made sense anymore. Although some parts of your memory were extremely hazy and blurred still, you remembered how quickly you had been surrounded by medical staff. Doctors and nurses had surrounded you; your screams and panic arose even more, you never quite saw the moment the nurse had prepped and pricked your arm with the needle, nor the moment that she had sent the medication into your IV. You only felt a sense of calm washing over you, almost numbing before there was only darkness surrounding you.

The next time you woke up, or at least the next time you remember really waking up, you were laying on the same bed, a nurse was standing next to you looking over your vitals on the beeping monitor. Something felt off though, a feeling you couldn’t quite place. Your hand felt too cold, really your whole body was too cold for your liking but there was something about your left hand, it was such a weird feeling to have, especially after being under a medically induced coma. It was really quiet a funny thing to be remembering when you couldn’t seem to remember even the bigger things. There had been a lack of warmth in your hand, a certain warmth you were sure you had felt even when you were under, but the only person you had seen was your nurse by your bedside, and you were sure it couldn’t have been her holding your hand. The thought of the possible unknown, and just not understanding had sent you into another panic, and before long more medical staff had rushed in, the darkness consuming you once more. 

Your phone began to shrill on your bedside table, the vibrating noise making you jump slightly, your hand coming to rest upon your racing chest. You grabbed your phone off the nightstand, your calendar popping up on the screen, “Doctor’s Appointment” stared back at you, shit that was today, and it was in 45 minutes, you wouldn’t have enough time. You scramble off the bed, throwing open your closet door nearly tripping over the white plastic bag at the entrance. You frown down at it but notice that it contains clothing, surely there was something clean in there. You ripped open the plastic bag the garments falling to your feet, you lifted a pair of jeans and a maroon Henley that surely was not yours, scanning it you couldn’t help but to smile slightly realizing whose it was, your mind drifting to another occasion you had worn that shirt. 

_“Doll is that my shirt?”_

_You shot up in your seat startled, the orange juice that you had in your hand sloshing around in the glass, a fat drop falling onto your bare thigh. You put the cup down gently muttering under your breath as you glared at the super solider standing at the entrance of the kitchen._

_“Jesus Buck, give a girl a warning” you grumbled “You made me drop my juice!”_

_“I’d say sorry doll, but I’m kind of not.” he shrugged as he moved over to you._

_You raise a brow at him glaring, “You didn’t answer my question though.” he stated stopping at the end of the table._

_“What question?” you sighed as you reached for a napkin to wipe at the juice that had fallen on your thighs._

_“Is that my shirt?” he questioned again arms crossed on his chest._

_You glanced down at the shirt that you had found thrown in your laundry basket; you recognized the maroon shirt the minute you had seen it but thought nothing of it, it was comfortable, it was long enough for you to walk around in, and it was your day off, so you would take all the comfort you could get even if that meant stealing a shirt._

_“Yes, buck it seems it is, what’s the problem?”_

_“That one is my favorite, and it just so happens I was planning to wear it today.” he replied, “so give it back._

_Bucky was smirking that smug jerk, he knew what the goddamn smirk did to you, and you knew he was doing it on purpose, he was teasing. Well two could play this game._

_You uncrossed your legs, slowly lifting to your feet as your chair skidded back, you maintained eye contact with Bucky as you ran your hands up your legs, your fingers curling around them hem of the shirt as you lifted it ever so slowly. You peeled the shirt off yourself as you flung it in Bucky’s direction, the shirt hitting his chest before falling to the floor. You were left in your lacy black bra, with matching black underwear. You couldn’t help the chuckle that left your lips, at the sight of the man before you. You watched as he slowly crept closer to you shirt abandoned on the floor._

_“What are you doing?” he murmured his arms coming up to run down your curves, hands falling to your waist, gripping as he pulled you into his chest._

_“You wanted your shirt back Buck.” you whispered laying your hands on his chest, “so I gave it back.” you whispered leaning in._

_“You play a dangerous game sweetheart.” he murmured pressing his head to yours._

_“Isn’t that why you asked me to marry you?” you questioned glancing up at him through your lashes._

_Bucky chuckled before his lips crashed to yours, maroon Henley long forgotten “That’s exactly why.” he murmured against your lips._

You rubbed at your eyes willing the tears away, tugging off the oversized t-shirt you had worn to bed, you put on the maroon Henley and smiled, albeit a sad smile. Honestly you hated this, you hated that you couldn’t remember being with Bucky. Instead you were left with only flashbacks that may as well have been something out of a romantic comedy, because as much as you wanted to admit that you were remembering the feelings you had for him, you didn’t. Every time you would come back from these love filled memories, you still had no feelings at all for the tall, muscular, very attractive, super soldier who up until about a little less than a month ago had been your entire world; now he was just some man who found you at the beach.

It was so much worse than that though because deep down you knew Bucky meant something to you, you could feel it in your bones, you could feel it etched deep in your soul. Whenever you were together you felt this urge, a tug, this pull to be even closer to him, you wanted him to hold you, wrap his arms around you, and never let you go. You wanted to want him; even though you didn’t know him, as impossible as that sounded, you knew he belonged to you. You knew he was the one, your person. You knew he was your soulmate. It didn’t make sense, but even if your brain didn’t remember him your heart obviously did.

You were in love with someone you didn’t know. Bucky was a dream, and all you wanted to do was wakeup and remember, you wanted to remember him, to remember what you had with him, to feel the love that was there in the flashbacks of him.

You gathered your things as your reminders alarm went off again, you kicked at the pile of clothes in frustration before exiting your room. Hot angry tears sat behind your eyes, but this time you would not let them fall, you needed to be strong. 

It wasn’t fair though, you just wanted to remember.

You stepped into the waiting room, letting the door fall quietly behind you, your nerves were beginning to flare up as you walked down the hallway to the neurology department. Your head would turn left and right as you walked past doors, counting the numbers in your head to try and focus on anything other than the thundering of your racing heart. You finally stumbled upon the correct door; walking into the receptionist office you checked yourself in before looking around the somewhat filled room. Your eyes searched through the bodies but could not find the one that you were searching for. Your heart fell slightly, you sighed making your way over to a chair. Maybe something had come up, maybe he was busy, or maybe he didn’t want to be here and had felt obligated when you asked him to come. Your head fell into your hands, god why couldn’t you just be normal!

“y/n, sweetheart you okay?”

Your head shot up embarrassingly fast at the sound of his voice, your cheeks burning red when you heard his low chuckle.

You went to give him a reply, but your name was being called out by the nurse. Bucky helped you stand ushering you through the door first, the nurse took some vitals before having you and Bucky sit outside the doctor’s office. You didn’t wait more than a second before the door was swinging open 

“y/n good morning!” Dr Johnson answered cheerily, “and a good morning to you too Mr. Barnes so glad to see you again.

“again?” you questioned.

“yes dear, I’ve seen Mr. Barnes numerous times since the accident.” you wanted to question it further, but Dr Johnson didn’t give you a chance as he ushered you into his office asking Bucky to be patient as wanted to speak alone with you first.

Dr. Johnson asked you to sit on the exam table as he pulled out your files, “alright y/n how has everything been, how have you been feeling?” he questioned.

You let out a rather loud sigh, “if I can be honest, I don’t know.” you took a breath, “some days I feel good, like if I’m really starting to get a hold of things but then there are days where I just feel so lost and overwhelmed.” you were suddenly grateful to be seen alone.

He nodded his head in understanding, “These are all normal things to be feeling given the situation.” he replied rolling himself closer to you, “now you mentioned you had days where you felt good, when do those happen, what brings those days on?” 

Your lips pursed in thought, “it happens with certain people.”

“who?” Dr. Johnson urged you on.

“Bucky mostly, I feel really comfortable around him it’s hard to explain, I also ran into an old friend last night, I remembered them, which is even harder for me to explain.”

“how is living alone going for you, is it helping you in anyway?”

You couldn’t help but scoff, “some that help that has been.” you mumbled

“I mean if I’m being honest, I don’t think it’s helped, if anything I don’t feel at home, I just feel more confused.”

“well let me ask you this, do you know who Bucky Barnes is?” he questioned.

You raised a brow at him that threw you for a loop, “my fiancé.” you mumbled.

Dr. Johnson chuckled at your tone, “he is I’m glad you remember that much.”

“well that’s the thing, I get these flashbacks occasionally and they have somewhat helped me put pieces together, but not to the extent I would like.“

“apart from being your fiancé, do you know who he is, what he does?”

“what do you mean?” you questioned.

“do you know who Bucky Barnes is, what he does for a living?”

“oh, uhm, he’s an avenger, he works with Steve, Natasha, and Sam.” your eyes widened.

“what’s got you so surprised?” he questioned a knowing twinkle in his eye.

“I remembered more.” you whispered.

At this Dr. Johnson laughed, “well it seems you’ll be getting your memory back sooner than you think but you’ll need to hold on there, I also have come up with a solution that I believe will be more beneficial to you based on our time here.” he closed his folder “I do want to run some tests from the inside and then I would like to speak with you and Bucky.“

It all took about an hour to get all the examinations done, and shortly after you had been escorted with Bucky back to the same room. Bucky had been quiet since we entered the room, it almost seemed as if he was nervous. You wanted to question about him but were once again stolen the chance when Dr. Johnson walked in nodding at you both in greeting.

“well you two, the tests are looking good nothing out of the ordinary, which is great so that’s a overy good thing.” he started “now y/n I do want to let you know that I did talk to Bucky about my solution, and with the feedback he has given me I do believe my suggestion could be a good thing.”

“well what is it?“ You questioned lowly.

I believe the best thing for you right now is to go home with Bucky.” he started watching you for a reaction, “this is of course your decision no one will force you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”

“oh.” you replied surprised not expecting that.

“Bucky had mentioned to me that you had somehow found your way there last night without even realizing it and given how many things you’ve felt yourself remember with him I thought this would be a good step, but the decision is yours to make in the end.”

You nodded thinking over your answer, you couldn’t help but to glance over at Bucky to see what he was thinking. Bucky had his head down though, hands tucked away in his lap, you could feel the nerves radiating off him.

“I’d like to go home with Bucky.” you spoke a hint of pink dusting over your cheeks at the answer you were giving.

When you looked over at Bucky his smile, and the gleam in his eyes was enough to assure you, you had made the right decision.


	11. Coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11! So happy with this chapter, how are you all liking this series so far? Are we enjoying it, are we not enjoying it? Please let me know, feedback is always appreciated!

Bucky pulled into the driveway of your shared home, sitting in the passenger seat looking at the home you couldn’t control the rate of your heart as it quickened in your chest. Bucky shifted the car into park, the both of you kind of just sitting there not really knowing what to do next, this was a new thing for you given your situation. You glance over to him already finding his eyes on yours a nervous giggle escapes your lips, then your both just looking at each other before both of you burst into laughter.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” you laughed covering your face behind your hands.

“Come on doll, what did I say about apologizing?” he questioned. You peeked through your fingers in a playful manner to see him grinning at you.

You removed your hands from your face, taking in a breath before releasing it, “Should we go inside now?”

“Do you want to?” he questioned, grin fading a look of uncertainty crossing over his features.

“No, actually I was thinking of sleeping on the backseat looks super comy back there.” you teased voice laced thick with sarcasm.

Bucky chuckled, “Well if you’re ready we can head in” he grinned.

You both stepped out of the car; while you waited by the hood of the car, Bucky was grabbing your things from the trunk. After your doctor’s visit he had dropped by your apartment to let you grab as many things as you wanted promising to bring you back to get more later. You heard the trunk slam closed, Bucky coming up to you and letting you know to follow him. Walking up the pathway you both momentarily paused as he dug the keys from his pockets. You made your way up to the door; waiting for Bucky to get it unlocked you thought back to your behavior last night. You felt a little ashamed at your outburst of panic and realized your over reaction was a little ridiculous. You should have calmed the second you saw Bucky, it's not like the house was a strangers to begin with.

“You ready?” Bucky questioned pulling you out of your head, his hand wrapped around the doorknob.

“As I will ever be.” you replied nodding your head, your teeth chewing on your lower lip.

“Hey, listen, if it gets to be a little overwhelming you can tell me okay?” he replied.

You took notice that Bucky wasn’t looking at you, instead he was looking intently at the door before you. It took you a second, but you realized in that moment that Bucky was just as nervous and scared as you were. Bucky was still afraid of this being too much for you, that it would overwhelm you, make you push him away, he was afraid of losing you. You wanted to reach out and reassure him that his worries were insignificant but somewhere deep in the back of your mind you couldn’t help but wonder the same things. You hoped that this would workout, that this was indeed the best thing for you, for both of yours sake. As well as Bucky held himself together, you could also sense the toll that it was taking on him. While as confusing and painful as it was to not remember the person that you were in love with, you couldn’t even begin to imagine what it might be like for him, to have you so close within reach but not being able to act on it, on his feelings for you.

A quiet sight left your lips as Bucky pushed open the door allowing you to step in first. Your steps were timid as you made your way inside, the fear of being ambushed by memories overwhelming you slightly. The deeper you made your way into the house, you realized that no sudden flashbacks were coming up, knocking you to your knees, in fact the house held a familiar aura, one you weren't expecting. In all honesty you weren't sure how you felt about that, while one part of you was thankful that you were in control, another part was disappointed that you weren't remembering something straightaway.

“How you holding up sweetheart?” Bucky questioned softly from behind you.

You looked at him from over your shoulder a genuine smile on your face, “I’m okay.” you reassured watching him visibly relax.

A ringing echoed from Bucky’s pocket, he held up his finger as he reached for the screeching device. You watched as he looked down at it momentarily before looking back up at you,

“It’s Natasha, everyone is curious on how your appointment went.” he explained.

“You can let them know.” you replied with another smile, “I’m going to take a look around.”

He nodded his head as he answered the call pressing the phone to his ear. You turned away your attention on the hallway to the right of you. Your hands instinctively reached over to flick on the light, the once dark corridor now illuminated. Slowly making your way down the hall, your fingers grazing over the wall hoping that the touch would somehow trigger and bring you closer to the memories tugging at your mind. The hallway was littered with frames here and there, a small flash of you sitting on the carpeted living room floor surrounded by frames and photos popped up in your mind.

Stopping at the end of the hallway you looked at one of the frames, a smile lighting up your face. It was a group picture, this had to be your family, you were all seated around a large table you and Bucky in the center, a congratulations banner above the group, everyone curled in around the two of you. You were surprised when you were able to put names to some of the faces that you hadn't seen, much less remembered. Then your eyes fell on Sam and you could see why you had remembered his name, there was just something about him that you don’t think you could ever forget.

You move onto the last frame, it was much bigger than the others you had passed in the hallway, your heart skipped a beat in your chest. The frame held various photos of just you and Bucky. There was photos of you curled up together, making faces at each other, even of some of your more intimate moments. You ran your fingers along the glass, willing yourself to remember something, anything of what you could have possibly been feeling in those moments, because from where you stood staring it wasn’t hard to see it. The way the two of you looked at one another, the love you held for each other.

Dropping your hand, you frowned making the decision to keep moving. Stepping just outside one of the bedrooms you pushed the door open your breath catching in your throat as you stood there. It was your bedroom, the room you and Bucky shared. Looking back down the hall, you heard Bucky’s voice echoing around in the kitchen, you took a deep breath steeling yourself as you walked into the room cautiously. Once again, a wave of disappointment washed over you when a surge of memories or feelings didn’t come rushing at you all at once. You sighed making your way further into the room, walking over to the bed without even thinking twice, you let yourself fall face first into the comforter.

Crawling up the bed you latched onto one of the pillows burying your face into it, instantly you were engulfed by a scent that you hadn’t realized you missed until that moment. You could tell this was not your of the bed, at least that much you had picked up on, realizing this was Bucky’s side of the bed you couldn’t help but breathe in the familiar scent. Your eyes closed ever so slowly; his scent was _familiar._ You remembered it. Remembered falling asleep in his arms, waking to the feel of his chest beneath your head.

You remembered the way he would wake you up, his fingers dancing tentatively across your skin. A fit of goosebumps would arise in the wake of his fingers, causing you to stir in your sleep. When he would notice you start to wake slowly he would whisper the sweetest things in your ear, slowly pushing you onto your back his lips finding their way from you ear, to your neck, till finally they might your lips fully pulling you from you sleep.

“y/n?”

Hearing Bucky’s voice you lifted your head from the pillow, eyes going to the door. Bucky walked into the room his eyes landing on your form in the bed, he stared at you with a look of amusement mixed with confusion which was soon replaced with worry when he notice the tears staining your cheeks.

“Are you okay?” he questioned quietly making his way over to you, stopping at the edge of the side you laid on.

You nodded smiling, “Yes I promise I'm okay, I was just remembering somethings is all.”

“That happened on the bed?” he questioned in a suggestive tone, his face turning playful when he realized you were internally freaking out.

Your face flushed, a red hue taking over your cheeks, “Shut up, not like that, well I mean not really.” you stuttered your hands coming up to wipe under your eyes.

He laughed taking a seat on the bed next to you, “I’m just hoping those tears aren't because you're suddenly remembering that I'm horrible in bed.” he teased.

You let out a loud laugh, your hands covering your face the warmer your cheeks got, “Stop it, please stop.” you giggled voice muffled by your hands.

Bucky chuckled, “You know you don’t have to be embarrassed around me, right?” he asked his laughter subsiding.

Dropping your hands from your face you looked up at him; he was looking at you with a small smile a nervousness in his eyes. You could see in his eyes that he was afraid, worried that his jokes may be making you uncomfortable. You smiled moving over on the bed, patting the spot next to you. He gave you a warm smile, as he laid beside you, your arms touching.

You turned on your side facing him, “It’s just a little weird you know.” you spoke, your teeth pulling your bottom lip between your teeth.

“what is?” he questioned, his eyes staring intensely back at yours.

You had to look away another coat of blush dusting your cheeks, “having these memories of being with someone in such an,” a pause “ intimate way when I don’t remember them in the first place.” you explained quietly, your fingers picking at the comforter under you.

“oh.” he said finally understanding, “I didn’t realize your memories involved that.” Bucky tried his hardest to contain his smirk, but you could see the underlying of it.

“A few of my memories actually involve that.” you explained using the same tone as him.

This time Bucky let his smirk show through, “Well we were always a very..loving couple.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, “It makes sense though, with the lives we live, I would see why.”

“Exactly doll.” he replied grinning his eyes holding a level of seriousness as well.

“I’m sorry if I'm ruining our time together, I know we have that big mission coming up soon, though I don’t think I will be going to that one.” you whispered quietly, eyes looking away from his.

“Sweetheart,” he spoke softly, his hand coming up to grip your chin lifting your head up to face him again, “Y/n, you are not ruining our time together, not at all, I don’t need sex to be happy, I just need you, sweetheart when I saw what happened to you, what you went through, knowing that I didn’t get to you in time, that I wasn’t there to protect you, that I could have prevented all of this had I just not turned my back for that one split second I was in the worst state, I feared that I had lost you for good when we arrived at the med bay, but the fact that you’re here, right now, in front of me, in my arms, that’s more than enough for now.”

“How did I get so lucky?” you murmured not meaning to say it out loud your eyes filling with tears.

He smiled softly at you, his thumb running across your cheeks as he wiped the tear that fell, “ I ask myself that same question every day.”

You stared at one another then, both of you getting lost in the other’s eyes. You weren’t sure what was going on in Bucky’s mind in this moment but you knew what was happening in yours. You were remembering, remembering looking into those same eyes you were now, seeing the love in them. You remembered the small, innocent kisses you would share when you thought no one was looking. You remembered the way you would watch films, the way he would reach out and touch you not even seeming to realize that he was aimlessly tracing patterns along your skin, his eyes still engrossed on the movie.

You could remember how it felt to have his lips pressed against yours, how your heart would when you would catch him looking at you a smile on his lips. You remembered all these things but you didn’t _feel_ them. Looking back at Bucky, you didn’t feel the love that you remembered. You decided then to take a chance, you were going to push yourself, take a risk. You started to lean into him, deciding that you wanted more than just a memory of kissing him and he seemed to understand your intentions as he started to lean in as well.

The doorbell sounded through the home when your lips were mere centimeters from meeting, bodies inches from the other. Just like that though, the moment was gone, it should have bothered you that the moment had been stolen but it didn’t, because mere moments before Bucky’s lips met your’s a swirl of butterflies swarmed your stomach, a pink hue coating your cheeks.

You felt something for him and even though for you it was too soon to call love, the smallest part of you was endlessly hoping that it was.


	12. a beginning

“Who do you think it is?” you replied quietly sitting up in the bed watching as Bucky rolled off st anding up.

He checked his phone before his eyes met yours, brow s furrowed, “I’m honestly not sure, I wasn’t expecting anyone , No one said they would be stopping by either, I'm going to go check, want to come with?” he questioned nodding his head towards the door.

You shook your head not feeling ready, “I’ll just stay here, if you don’t mind.”

Bucky gave you an understanding smile making his way towards the door, his figure disappearing down the hall. You were glad he didn’t close the door behind him as it allowed you to hopefully hear who was here , you sat up higher in the bed leaning more towards the door. You r focus was on the sound of the door opening all while trying to calm the maddened fluttering of the b utterflies that danced in your stomach from almost kissing  him .

“Hey, uh what are you doing here?” you heard Bucky ask in a surprised but calm voice.

“Hey man, just wanted to come and check on you, see how you’re doing, we haven’t seen much of you lately and we were all getting a little worried.” you heard a male voice say , one that sounded extremely familiar.

“Have you talked to Natasha or Steve , looked at your phone at all today ?” you heard Bucky question before the front door was being closed.

“I’ve bee n busy at the V.A. today, didn’t have my phone on me man, and well I came straight here so no I haven’t seen or spoken to either , why?” he questioned, “oh her appointment was today, is she okay, what happened, everything alright?” you heard him rush out.

“calm down Sam she’s fine.” Bucky spoke his voice amused.

You remembered your memory at the doctor, and the moment you saw Sam in the photo in the hallway.

“Man don’t worry me like that.” you heard him say.

“Actually, there is something I think you should know.” Bucky started his voice diminishing to a whisper.

“Wait, she’s here?!” you heard Sam question, “you brought her here, is she okay,”  he questioned , “Is our girl okay?”

It took that one word to send your mind reeling.

_ “You need to stop gawking and just tell the man already.” _

_ You looked over your shoulder spotting Sam leaning a _ _ gainst the bar, whiskey in his hand, a smirk on his face, _

_ “First off Wilson, I am not gawking, I am people watching.” you muttered taking a drink of whatever Natasha had placed in your hand to  _ _ ease the nurves  _

_ “Correction _ _ , you are gawking and you’re not people watching,  _ _ you’re tin man watching.” _

_ You couldn’t help the laughter that slipped past your lips _ _ , as you turned your body towards the bar, shoulder’s knocking against Sam’s.  _

_ “How you holding up, Natasha say’s you’ve been having a hard time since returning from the mission _ _. _ _ ” _

_ You let out a breath, “I don’t know Sam, I feel like I failed him on this mission, _ _ he could have gotten hurt because I turned my back for  _ _ a second _ _.” _

_ Sam placed his hand on  _ _ yours _ _ coaxing you to meet his eyes,  _ _ “you _ _ didn’t fail him,  _ _ you did what you were asked on that mission, and Bucky knows that, he doesn’t blame you for looking away, neither of you knew that agent was going to come from behind, but you were prepared anyway _ _ , you pushed him out of the way of fire.” he reminded. _

_ “He could have been killed Sam, that bullet was meant to go straight through his chest, I could have lost him.” you whispered. _

_ “But you didn’t, you both are still here, and you need to realize that, and hold onto that _ _ fact.” he stated voice filled with conviction. _

_ You remained quiet for a moment staying bound to the moment you were in by letting yourself feel Sam’s thumb run over the back of your hand. _

_ “I also think you need to tell him how you feel, before one of you actually gets badly hurt trying to protect the other.”  _

_ “ _ _ When did you become such a good friend _ _ bird brain.” you teased making light of the situation. _

_ Sam let out a loud laugh throwing his arm over your shoulder, “there’s  _ _ my girl.” he chuckled turning and pulling you from the bar. _

_ “Now let’s go check on your man.” he teased. _

Looking towards the door you could hear the hushed voices, footsteps slow ly approaching. You slipped off the bed making your way towards the door , pausing when Sam and Bucky appeared before you. Nothing about Sam had changed, just looking at him stand there gave you a sense of calm, the warm smile he gave you reassuring.

“There’s my girl.” he whispered.

“Hey Sam.” you responded voice and eyed clouding with tears.

You knew the tears that wanted to spill over were happy tears, you had remembered, you had remembered Sam. It wasn’t in the way that you had remembered Bucky or Natasha, no you actually remembered Sam, and these tears that were spilling over were because it gave you hope, hope that you could remember. Sam Wilson was one of your best friends, upon meeting him the two of you had grown a strong bond. There was never a time that he didn’t make time for you when you needed him, he was like the brother you never had.

You slowly made your way over to him , his arms falling open as you walked into them letting them  draw you. You knew you didn’t need to explain to either one that you had remembered him, it’s like Sam was able to read you. Standing there you were able to get little flashes of your time with Sam, there was runs with Steve, missions, even  moments where you went to the V.A. with him.

To you this was a bittersweet moment, an overwhelming guilt wanted to consume you due to the fact that you had remembered Sam and not Bucky. In a way you knew this would be a good thing because now you had someone who could help you through these times. Maybe Sam would be the one to help reign you in like he would before.

“Wait we did what?” you asked in  shock when Sam began to retell you the things you went through to get Bucky.

Sam let out a laugh, “Don’t act so shocked.” he teased, “aside from me you were one of the first ones to jump to cap’s aide. ”

Your mouth was opening and closing like a fish, “ I mean I do remember things, but there’s some that are taking a little bit longer to come to me than  others, I didn’t know I was  _ THAT _ badass.”

“don’t let it get to your head, I deal enough with Roger’s and Tin Man over there.” he spoke gesturing to where Bucky sat on the couch the T.V. on for background noise.

You grinned glancing over at Bucky, “No promises when you’re talking me up like that.”

“Do you remember any of it?” he questioned giving you a guarded look.

“Not really,” you sighed eyes casting down slightly, “like I said I remember  somethings, but others are taking longer for me to remember.”

A sa d smile appeared on Sam’s face for only a moment before he composed himself, “well for both our sakes I hope you remember soon because I don’t know how much longer I can deal with Steve and Bucky by myself, its exhausting.” he muttered a teasing smile pulling at his lips.

“Well shit I didn’t know I was recruited into the team for babysitting services. ” you laughed.

“Honestly, that’s the only reason, besides who else is going to help me reign in the two most difficult super soldiers of our time.”

You let out a laugh , Sam joining you, losing yourself in this moment, you felt so carefree, like nothing was wrong with you.

“y/n?” Sam’s voice called pulling you from your thoughts, “How much do you remember of him?” he questioned softly.

You sighed glancing down at your hands, “I don’t know,” you started your eyes glancing back up to Sam’s, “I feel like I'm remembering a lot but  it's complicate d, like I remember that I know him, that we were together, but I don’t remember loving him.” you spoke quietly, looking over to the living room to find that Bucky was not in the spot he had been previously vacated in.

“ yeah he told me that much.” he said sighi ng.

“When?” you questioned. The only time that Bucky and Sam had been alone together was when Bucky went to answer the door.

“He called me last night, after you left.” he explained.

“Oh.” you muttered looking back at the spot Bucky had been sitting, “How is he, uh,” you gestured, “handling things?” you whispered afraid of the answer.

Sam took in a deep breath, hand wiping over his mouth, “You want the truth?” he questioned hesitantly he continued when you gave him a nod of your head, “He’s hurting a lot more than he’s letting on, that whole weak after the accident, when you were getting settled into your apartment , he  was a fucking wreck, I could tell immediately the moment he had first seen you because he actually sto pped by the tower, and he was actually smiling,” he paused, “He’s kind of been avoiding everyone ever since it happened, he was really only talking to me, though that is probably because I never left him alone, I wanted him to know I was there, that he wasn’t in this alone, and I wouldn’t leave him alone till he at least talked to me.” he finished with a small  chuckle, but it was far from being  humorous .

You sighed eyes slipping closed, your head falling, “I just wish I could remember him, I feel so guilty.”

“No y/n don’t do that to yourself.” Sam stated sternly, “what happened to you, it’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault , it was out of all of our control.”

“What did happen?” You asked hesitantly.

Sam sighed shaking his head, “you don’t remember?”

You thought about it, the last you thing you remembered was being on the quintet. You remembered Bucky telling you to watch your front and sides and he would have your back. You remembered promising him you would be safe and that he needed to be safe as well for you. You explained what you remembered to Sam.

Yeah it was just going to be you and Bucky on the ground, you were just supposed to be in and out with intel. What we weren’t expecting was the group of suited men, guns at the ready waiting for you two. It got pretty bad after that, bullets had nothing on you or Bucky, what we weren’t expecting was the explosive that went off. It sent you and Bucky flying. You went one way Bucky the other. You took a majority of the damage, when we finally got to you, you had a barely there pulse.

“How-how did you guys find me?” You questioned voice coming out shaky.

“It took us awhile, but thankfully we were able to get down quick enough when Bucky unloaded his gun into the remaining agents, you were under a pile of cement ruble your head was bleeding where you had been thrown into the cement pillar, we’re just glad the structure didn’t collapse, it was so scary to see you like that, to see one of our own on the brink of death, I couldn’t even imagine what was going through Bucky’s mind, the whole ride he was inconsolable nobody could try and get him to relax.”

Your hands came up to cradle your head,

“Are you okay?” Sam questioned his hand finding its way onto your shoulder.

You glanced up at him through your lashes, “ yeah I’m okay, I just, this just sucks, it sucks not remembering the most important things in your life.”

He pulled you in for a rather awkward hug, “ don’t stress yourself, the doctors are sure you’ll make a full recovery, we just got to trust the process.”

You nodded your head, you were tired of the process.

“So hopefully I’m not overstepping here, but Bucky has told me a little bit about you remembering things, and I’m not sure if you’re open to me making a suggestion.”

You raised a brow at him, gesturing for him to continue, “well before all this I know you and Bucky had a routine, at least I’m sure you all did, so what if he walks you through your routine here at home, it might help trigger somethings naturally instead of your forcing it to happen, might be less painful too.”

You bit your lip. “I guess that could work.”

“Bucky!” Sam yelled startling you.

“Yo tin man!” You startled again when Bucky appeared breathless behind you a bag of candy in his hand.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned concerned a handful of candy in his mouth. You couldn’t help but laugh at his bewildered expression.

“I made a suggestion with y/n to hopefully help her remember more things.” he explained.

“You have?” he questioned brow raised in disbelief.

Sam gave him a glare, “Yes now just listen tin man because I’m not going to repeat myself, so obviously we know that y/n doesn’t always need to be pushed to remember things, that sometimes  its her doing something on a day to day basis that triggers them, so I suggested to her that you and her run through your day and night routines, maybe it could be helpful to her in the long run.”

Bucky looked from Sam to you before his eyes stopped on you again, “and you’re okay with this?” he asked nervously.

You  bit your lip nodding, “yeah, actually I am I,” a pause, “I want to remember you.” you admitted quietly looking down at your hands as a  red hue dusted over your cheeks.

“Disgusting,” Sam chuckled getting your attention, “It’s like I'm back in the tower with you lug heads watching you crush on each other all over again.”

The three of you laughed, Sam pushed off the table, “Well I should get going, but if either of you need anything even if it’s just to talk you know where to find me.” he spoke pulling both you and Bucky into a bone crushing hug.

Both you and Bucky saw Sam out, once the door closed, you and Bucky stood at the door just staring at one another. 

“ So what do you want to do first?” he questioned reaching into the bag of  candies to grab another mouthful.

“Well  I'm hungry,” you stated eyeing the bag of candy and snatching it away from his grip, “So how about we make dinner together.” you called over  you r shou lder walking away from him.

“Hey!” you heard Bucky shout from behind you, a grin spreading across your face. “That was not nice doll,” he said, his voice much closer to you than you had expected, before you could react his arms were wrapping themselves around you and reaching around to grab another handful of candies from the bag.   
  
You laughed thankful he couldn’t see you face right now; a blush had creeped onto your cheeks over the action, and how close he was to you. You felt his breath on your neck as he chuckled into your hair, a fit of butterflies erupted in your stomach the more you thought about it, the blush grew a darker shade of red when you realized they weren’t just your normal butterflies.   
  
They were the butterflies you get when you are with the one person you truly love.


	13. a kiss goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13! Firstly thank you to those that have kept up with this series! You all are absolute angels, and i love you all with my whole heart. Happy Readings, and stay safe sweets!

"Scrambled, or over easy?” Bucky called out to you.

“Mmm scrambled please.” you replied, your eyes scanning the pantry for the pancake mix.  Spotting the box, you reached for it on the tips of your toes, pulling it from the cabinet.  Shutting the door to the pantry you turned on your heel watching  Bucky who  was occupied with cracking several eggs into  a bowl.

You couldn’t help but smile watching him, you let out a small laugh at the thought of making breakfast for dinner, though after ten minutes of going back and forth on pizza or spaghetti , making breakfast at this hour in the evening was the only thing you could seem to agree on.

You poured the remaining contents of the package into a bowl Bucky had left there for  you; the milk already poured in for you. You and Bucky moved and work ed around each other in a comfortable  silence. It was kind of hard to imagine , much less picture that this was something that you both had done so often together in the quiet yet peacefulness of your home. Nothing would be able to remove the smile that was plastered onto your  face , you don’t think you’ve ever felt more at peace than you do now.

You were finishing whisking at the batter , when you heard the sizzling of Bucky pouring  the eggs into the hot pan. You grabbed another clean pan out of the sink bringing it over to the other side of the stove. Your arm was pressed up against his as you placed your  pan down. You went to turn on the flame when suddenly Bucky was gently pushing you out of the way.

“That’s as far as you’re getting doll.” He  said with a small chuckle.

“But I wanted to help!” You whined, a pout forming on your lips.

Bucky grinned his hands coming up to grasp your cheeks, “sweetheart the last time we were both in this kitchen, a small fire was lit, were not going through that agai n,” he explained with a twinkle of amusement in his eye .

“Fine.” You grumbled  crossing your arms across your chest, “what do you want me to then?”

“You,” he started “are going to sit right over there and look pretty for me.” He spoke softly, his hand reaching up to tuck your hair behind your ear. 

You wanted to give him a snark remark but  instead remained quiet a warm blush  coating  your cheeks.  Bucky  sent you on his way as he went to the task of preparing your food. Sitting yourself down on the chair closest to him you watched as he cooked, alternating back and fourth between  turning the eggs, and flipping the pancakes. Occasionally his eyes would meet yours, a warm smile on his face as he watched you sitting there.

He turned to reach for something that was closest to you when you spotted it, “uh buck your lower half of your shirt is soaked.” You commented with a laugh.

He glanced down, “oh well would you look at that,” he murmured stepping away from the stove to pull the shirt over his head . “There problem solved sweet heart.” He grinned tossing the wet garment in your direction. Your cheeks were  on  fire as he returned back to the food, not sparing you a second glance.

Your eyes roamed his naked torso taking it all in. You found yourself  getting lost in him as he continued to make dinner completely oblivious to you ogling him. From his bare upper half you found your eyes trailing up his face stopping in his lips , you found your cheeks getting warmer as you thought about the countless times those lips had been placed against yours. Your eyes continued upwards to his eyes, his bright grey- blue eyes, that you found yourself getting lost in the more time you spent with him .

“Are you checking me out?”  He questioned out loud, a smirk creeping on to his lips. Your eyes went wide, while his remained on the stove.

“ No I’m not.” You rushed out, eyes glancing down to fiddle with the shirt he had thrown at you.

He let out a loud laugh, “it’s alright doll, go ahead and look, all this is yours anyway.”

A small giggle left your lips, cheeks burning again for what felt like the hundredth time , “tell me something.” You said hoping to change the subject to spare yourself of embarrassment.

You watched a smile tug at his lips eyes never leaving the pancake he was working on as he  thought, “There was this one time,” he began, “we were at the bar with the team and a couple of the new agents,” he  stifled a laugh , “and you got into an altercation with one of the girls over me.”

“Oh god, I did not!” You gasped.

“Oh but you did, ” he laughed, “granted you had had one to many drinks, but it was sexy see you getting all riled up and jealous over me.” You laughed then covering you face with your hands.

You watched from behind your hands as Bucky turned to you, the food forgotten as he stared at you, his eyes trailing  your form much like you had been doing to him just seconds ago. 

You lowered your hands slowly  smiling slyly, “are you checking me out?” You teased throwing his words back at him.

He grinned looking away reaching for the buttons to shut off the stove, “food’s done doll, let’s eat.” He  replied completely ignoring your question. You rolled your eyes as you stood from your chair stealing another peek at his muscular form  watching the way they ripples when he reached up to grab two plates out of the cabinet serving you both . He turned handi ng you  the plate a look on his face that told you he knew what you had been doing . He grabbed the two of you drinks before ushering you to the living ro om turning on the T.V. once you had made yoursel f comfortable.

“You still want to watch  Y/F/M ?” He questioned we can watch something else.” he said, picking up the familiar case.

“We ca n watch it,” you smiled , “I’m up for anything so  I don’t mind.”  You answered with a shrug.

He grinned snapp ing the DVD out of its case before he slid it in the waiting player . Bucky kneeled up and made his way back over to you  grabb ing the remote and his plate again  before  taking  his  seat next to you . He started the movie , the opening credits beginning;  a smile tugged at your lips when you realized you remember it .  You both at your food in silence entranced in the film . Once you both had cleared your plates  you placed them on the coffee table in front of you, pulling one of the blankets out of the basket on the side. Bringing yourself closer to Bucky  you swing the blanket over the both of you settling yourself into his side. He smiled down at you as he adjusted himself , pulling his arm out from between the two of you to place it over your shoulder bringing you that much closer . Butterflies fluttered low in your stomach as you smiled.

“This okay doll? He questioned quietly  his hand squeezing your side  comfortingly.

“Yeah, this is fine,” you whispered snuggling closer, your head resting against his chest.

You didn’t want to admit our loud but a tiny part of you did feel out of place being this close to him, but you were doing what Sam had suggested and following your  routine. Pushing yourself you brought your arm  up wrapping it around his his middle, he let out a content sigh.

“Bucky?” You whispered.

“Yeah doll?” He hummed his eyes trained on the T.V. screen.

“You okay?” You questioned softly.

“What do you mean?” He asked  glancing down at you.

“Well Sam told me about how you,” you thought of the words to say, “how you know ,” you sighed,  “I just don’t want to cause you anymore pain than I already have.” You explained.

A look of understanding flashed across his face and you knew he knew  what you w ere referring to , how he had been pushing everyone away after  the accident.

He sighed. “I know you don’t remember it, but you’re my world y/n . Ever , ” a sigh, “ ever since that time I kissed you  on that mat  in the  training room this thing between us shifted from best friends to lovers and  I knew I would never want anyone else the way I wanted you , I never thought of what my life would be like without you because I honestly never expected it to happen , even though with our job I should have but I didn’t because we were always a team and we always had each other’s backs , but sweetheart I thought I lost you when we finally got to you under all that rubble , and I thought that  the entire time until we got you to med bay and they assure d me you would be okay , and then when you woke up and they realized you didn’t remember, it was like I lost you all over again.”

You frowned snuggling yourself deeper into his side getting as close as you could get yourself. You wanted  s o badly to apologize and tell him how sorry you we re for not remembering who he was or how important he was to  you, but you knew he wouldn’t hear it.

“You haven’t lost me,”  you whispered  closing your eyes . “I’ve just gone on a short vacation, I’ll be back though , and you’ll be the first one I come home too .”  You  promised him.

His chest rumbled beneath you as you squeezed him into a hug.  Both his arms wrapped around you engulfing you in a hug, his face leaning down to nuzzle into your hair.

“I know doll,” he  spoke after awhile, “for now though please stop beating yourself up about it, I’m going to be okay,” he reassured, “like I told you before, I have you right here with me , that’s all that matters the rest will come back in no time.”

You nodded  pressing yourself deeper into his arms, breathing in his scent  biting back the words that wanted to spill from your mouth. This moment you two were sharing had the words bubbling up in your throat creeping their way to the surface .

You had almost told him you love him.

Bucky kisses the top of your head his arms still holding you to him. Your attention w as now back on the  movie, though it didn’t take long before your mind was wandering  elsewhere as you reached for your phone . You unlocked it scrolling through your contacts as you searched for Sam’s number frowning when you didn’t find it under that, almost snorting when you found it under “Bird brain”

_ You busy? _

** Just winding down from a gym session with Cap, what’s up? **

_ I’m freaking out Sam! _

** What why?! **

_ The movie Bucky and I are watching is almost over.. _

** Okay.. how is that a problem though?? **

_ Once it’s over we go to bed.. _

** Ohhhhh, okay I get it now **

_ Yeah so like what do I do? _

** What do you mean? **

_ Am I supposed to share a bed with him _ _ , do I take the couch, does he take the couch, what do I do?! _

** First I’m going to need you to calm down, relax, secondly tin man is your fiancé so yeah you share a  ** ** bed, you guys have done it plenty of times, though I’m sure you don’t remember that much yet. **

_ I just feel awkward Sam, even cuddling on the couch has me feeling out of place, I hate this feeling! _

** “Y/f/n y/l/n sweetheart Bucky is fully aware that you don’t remember those moments ** ** , he would never try ** ** , ** ** or force you into anything you yourself are not comfortable with so calm down. **

_ I’m sorry, I’m just nervous. _

** Honestly I would be ** ** too if I had to share a bed with him, shits scary. **

_ Laugh it up bird brain. _

** There’s my girl. **

_ What do I do Sam, do I cuddle him _ _ ,  _ _ do I give him space? what the fuck do I do! _

** Honestly ** ** , ** **** ** Fuck his brains out ** ** sis ** **. **

You choked on air as you re read Sam’s last message  your phone falling onto your blanketed lap.

“ You okay ?”  Bucky  asked  concerned, you looked up at him eyes wide.

“I’m fine , sorry ,”  You murmured looking back down to your phone, picking it up .

“Are you sure?”  Bucky questioned amused .

“Yeah Sam is just more of a bird brain than I was expecting is all ,”  You  said with a small laugh.

He chuckled. “ Glad your finally seeing it ,”

You went back to  your phone the movie coming to an end, the ending credits beginning to roll .

_ SAM WILSON THAT IS NOT HELPFUL! _

**_ Sorry sweetheart, but what is it that you want to hear? You do what you want, do what feels right to you. If you want to cuddle that man, then you cuddle him, if you don’t then don’t _ ** **_. If you want him naked on top of you, then you do you. Y/n you two love each other, even if you can’t remember it. Like I said  _ ** **_ sweetheart _ ** **_ you do what feels right to you, what is going  _ ** **_ to feel the most normal for you. Stop freaking out, and please get some rest. Now go get your man. _ **

“I don’t sleep naked do  I ,”  you muttered  watching Bucky dig through the dresser .

He chuckled.  “Believe it or not you do sweetheart, but you usually keep yourself modest with one of my shirts .” He said with a  smirk throwing you an article of clothing he pulled out .

You held out the shirt in front of you, you glanced over at him already seeing his eyes on your shining in amusement.

“You were always stealing my shirts once we got close enough for you not to think I would murder you with my glare.” he chuckled.

“Are you sure I would sleep with only your shirt ?” you questioned with a nervous laugh

“Positive.” he smirked.

“Of course,” you huffed.

He laughed smiling warmly at you . “ y/n , you know you don’t have to wear  just the shirt , you can wear pants, hell you can wear whatever is going to make you feel comfortable doll, you just asked me what you usually wore and that’s it.”

“Then that’s what I’ll be wearing,”  you muttered determined ,  turning away from Bucky giving him your back , y ou pulled your shirt over your head replacing it with his. Relief washed over you when you realized it was long enough to at least cover the top half of your bottom as you pulled your jeans down. Turning back around you saw Bucky still sorting through the drawers, you walked over to the ham per dumping your clothes before making your way into the bathroom. Pulling your hair out from your ponytail, you let it fall loosely around you as you reached for a toothbrush. You jumped slightly when Bucky walked in trying to focus on brushing your teeth, but soon you were a little distracted when you notice  B ucky in nothing but low, drawstring joggers . He smirked in the mirror, winking at you, your eyes darted away making him laugh as a pink dusted across your cheeks. He continu ed to make faces at you in the mirror as you finished up brushing your teeth, you shook your head at him laughing lightly.

“You know , this is turning out to be a lot better than I expected ,” he said with a  grin  as  he p ut both our toothbrushes  up .

“What do you mean ?”  you questioned glancing at him in confusion.

“I like seeing you get all flustered for me baby, it reminds me of before we got together and you thought I wasn’t catching these exact same stares.” he smirked.

“ James, ” you moaned, “please stop.” you grumbled  embarrassed shoved  into him slightly as you stomped past him pouting.

He let out a loud laugh from behind you, as you made over to your side of the bed climbing in and crawling under the soft covers. You wat ched Bucky come out of the bathroom, shutting off the light behind him, then shutting off the main bedroom light. The only sliver of light was the one coming from the kitch en and even  then, it was still dark as you watched him crawl into bed with you , making himself comfortable under the covers. In this moment you were thankful for the darkness because you were positive you looked like a deer in headlights. You closed your eyes tightly to get a hold of yourself. You could feel Bucky shift from beside you, like if he was having an internal battle with himself whether he should be closer to you or not , you sliding closer to him was enough an answer.

Sam’s words echoed  around in your  head as the two of  you continued to  dance around each other , uncertain with how much touching would be too much . You  decided to take  matters into your own hands and  do what felt right to you .  Reaching your hand out  you  pushed on  Bucky ’s bare chest pausing any movement as you  slid even closer to him.  You  felt  the coolness of his left  arm wrap around  you the metal appendage resting  on the small of  your back as  you swung  your left leg up and hooked it between the open space of his own legs . Moving yourself up slightly in the bed you leaned down placing your head on his chest getting yourself comfortable.

“Are you okay ?”  you heard Buck y whisper his grip tighten ing around you .

“Ye ah, I’m okay ,” you said with a breathy laugh. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah?” he answered, his voice just as low as mine.

“We didn’t say goodnight,” I murmured and I felt my cheeks warm up.

He chuckled. “I’m perfect sweetheart.”

A quiet sigh left your lips as you allowed yourself to relax further in his hold. A comfortable silence settled over the two of you. You wanted to close your eyes and let yourself drift into a most welcomed sleep, but something felt wrong, there was something missing.

“Buck?” you whispered hoping he was still awake

“Yes doll?” he answered his voice just as low as yours.

“I didn’t get to say goodnight.” you murmured cheeks warming up.

“Do you want to?” he questioned quietly understanding what you meant.

You pulled away from him  slightly leaning on his chest so you could look at him, “I- it feels  wrong not to.” you admitted  eyes glancing down.

“y/n,” Bucky said lowly his hand coming up to cup your chin.

You looked up at him as he adjusted himself slightly,  his coming closer to yours. Neither one of you spoke, there were no words needed as he continued to lean up. His hand left your chin , moving along the side on your jawline till your cheek was cupped in the warmth of his hand. Your eyes locked, you got lost in the pool of ocean blue eyes . Instinctively you began to lean forward meeting him halfway as your lips touched. Your eyes slipped shut at the new but familiar feeling of having his lips dance with yours.

The kiss was supposed to be innocent, nothing more than a quick peck, but the moment you felt him start to pull away it  w as as if something in you  had clicked. Bring ing your hands up , you held onto his face deepening the kiss , your tongue peeking out to run a long his lower lip. A soft almost inaudible  groan left  Bucky's lips, his hand moving from  you r to cheek to tangle in your hair. Your lips danced together in hungry desperation, neither of you realizing just how bad you had missed the other until this moment together. As much as you wanted to believe this kiss would be the one to bring everything back; the kiss that was able to heal you and return all your memories it wasn’t.

As you began to pull away you tugged on his bottom lip securing it between your teeth as you pulled away your lips parting.

“W ow,” he breathed, his eyes locking with yours.

Your cheeks burned red as he looked over you, his face was coated in a mixture of shock, awe, love and the tiniest bit of confusion.

“I’m s- ” you began

“Don’t you dare try and apologize for that.” He said quickly, shaking his head in awe.

You  giggled  nodding your head before  ducking back down, cheeks still hot from  the sudden burst of affection . You  went back to the position  you had been in before,  your head resting on his chest. He let out another small, almost shocked laugh before he relaxed back into the bed. You smiled and even though  you knew that there was still so much that  you needed to figure out, still so much left unknown, as  Buck y wrapped his arms around  you once again pull ing you closer,  you knew this was where  you belonged.


	14. Wanting Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love you all have been leaving on my work, you all make my heart so so so happy! With that being said i hope you enjoy this chapter, happy Readings sweet angels!

“Y/n, sweetheart, you good?”

Sam’s voice had you practically jumping out of your seat, the picture you had been holding fluttered to the floor. You looked up to see him watching you, his bright chocolate eyes clouded with worry.

“Are you okay?” he asked hesitantly, acting like you were a bomb on the verge of detonating any minute and In a way you were.

“I just don’t get it,” you whispered quietly.

“What do you mean?” He questioned, his tone matching your own as he shifted closer to you.

“How could I forget him?” you questioned, “he was my everything, he was my partner, my best friend, he was my whole world, so why did this happen? you were growing agitated, “and why is it so fucking hard to remember him?” you paused taking in deep breath through your nose, “why is that with these stupid flashbacks I feel this overwhelming amount of emotions for him yet when I come back I feel nothing?” you were crying now, the tears flowing freely down your face.

“Did you remember something ?” Sam asked, placing his arm around you hugging you into his side.”

“That’s the thing Sam I’m not remembering anything, and that’s all I want, I want to remember him, I want to be comfortable with him, I want to love him,” you sobbed out, “I just want to be able to remember my life with him.”

“Hey, hey, come on now, let’s bring it in, give me some deep breaths hun, I need you to calm down.” Sam cooed rubbing your arm comfortingly, “you want me to call him?” He asked, “ I can let them know you need him, I’m sure they can cut the meeting short so he can get back here to you.”

“No!” Your rushed out eyes going wide in panic as you stared up at him, “I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I asked for your help with this, let me just get my emotions together I promise I’ll be fine, just please don’t pull him from that meeting.”

Sam sighed pulling you deeper into his side, he laid his head on yours, “you’re going to remember Bucky sweetheart, trust me there’s no forgetting a love story quite like yours, I’ve always rooted for the two of you, and I’ll continue to root for you,” he goes silent for a second like he’s looking for the right words, “you’ll remember him soon enough, and I promise when you do that love that you want to feel so bad is going to blindside you, and when it does it’ll be fucking magical.”

A snort fell from your lips as you laughed, you looked up at your best friend through the tears in your eyes, “I kissed him last night,” you admitted your voice still coated in tears.

“Excuse me, you did what now?!” Sam questioned rather loudly, he was grinning like a mad man.

You smiled softly your cheeks growing warm, “last night when we were in bed I snuggled up to him because I took what you told me about doing what felt right and well that to me was something that felt right.” You paused as you remembered last night, “before I closed my eyes I remembered that Bucky and I would share a goodnight kiss, and it didn’t settle right with me not to do it so I pushed myself too, Bucky was a little hesitant but when I felt him pull away something in me clicked, and well the kiss was much more than the innocent peck I had intended.”

Sam was still grinning. “Well obviously you felt something for him in that moment, I mean, you don’t just go kissing people you don’t have feelings for, right?”

“I don’t know,” You groaned. “I mean, yes I felt something for him then but it was different, it was like a new love, not the love I feel for him in the flashbacks.”

“So, you mean to tell me that you’re starting to fall in love with your fiancé?” he questioned, a visible smirk on growing on his lips.

You laughed shaking your head, “I guess in a way I am, but I don’t know.” You looked down at your left hand, noticing the way your ring finger felt it felt could and empty, at least that much you could remember.

“He still has your ring you know,” Sam spoke up, you looked up at him to see he was also looking down at your empty hand. “They had to take it off when they wheeled you in to surgery, he held onto in the whole time we waited there, he wanted you to be awake when he put it back on, so he waited, but then you didn’t remember him and he didn’t want to put it on you and make you feel overwhelmed or anything so he kept it. I know he has it somewhere in the house, but I don’t know where.”

You sighed, “I want it, but at the same time I don’t, I know that it should be there, I can feel that void but I don’t just want to ask him for it and wear it and give him false hope, I want to wear it because I remember everything, because I remember that we are together and that we’re supposed to be getting married.”

A puzzled look came across Sam’s face, as if he wasn’t sure if he wanted to speak his thoughts out loud, he took in a deep breath looking over at you.

“You know,” he started, Bucky asked me something the other day, for my advice, and I still haven’t given him an answer and I think I should ask you.”

“What did he ask?” You questioned hesitantly.

He sighed his hand rubbing at his chin, “Well, you guys sent out the wedding invitations the morning before your accident, and well, Bucky is unsure of whether he should call everyone and cancel, I mean, most people know what happened by now – other than the world and our fans of course – but he doesn’t want you to feel pressured if you found out that technically, there will still be a wedding on February 18th but at the same time, he feels like if he were to cancel it, well then, that’s basically admitting that you won’t ever remember him or want to marry him again, and that’s the last thing he wants.”

“Sam, I thought I was already married to Bucky,” you stated giving him a look of pure confusion, “There was a memory I had where he asked me to marry him before our departure in December, did we not go through with it after all?”

He shook his head, a small grin on his lips, “Bucky could never do that to his number one girl, you might remember him telling you he wanted to elope, but he knew you wanted a wedding, that you would want all your family and friends there, so he put you first and you all agreed to plan a wedding, one that would be special for you both.”

“What’s todays date?” you asked, sitting up straighter, you were determined.

“Uh, November 21st.” he replied, a little thrown off by your question.

You took in a deep breath and decided something then and there. “Tell him not to cancel it.” you said, your voice unwavering.

“Are you sure?” he questioned, stressing each word and syllable.

“I’m positive,” you said the determination set in your tone, “I will remember who James Buchanan Barnes is and I will marry him on February 18, I will.”

Your voice rang strong with emotion offering Sam the closure he needed, but despite the front you had put up for your friend, despite the way your voice seemed to hold nothing but the truth, you still had to send a silent prayer to any and all God’s to make sure that this was possible. You couldn’t remember him on sheer will but you were going to try your damn hardest because you could already tell, even with what little you knew of him, Bucky Barnes was not someone worth forgetting. 

“Okay, October 31?”

Your eyes widened as you looked at Sam and tried to find something, anything in the mess of your mind that would help you to figure out what it was that happened on October 31.

“Oh Halloween!” you exclaimed excitedly.

“No!” Sam groaned; his arms shot up in the air in frustration.

“its October 31st Sam that’s Halloween day, there’s nothing else that comes on that day,” you muttered flopping your body further down into the couch.

You sighed running your fingers through your hair, you and Sam had been at it almost all morning since he arrived, it was now close to two in the afternoon. You had woken up alone which was something you had been okay with because you weren’t exactly ready to talk about that kiss that you and Bucky shared last night. Bucky being the sweetheart he was had left you a note on his pillow, telling you that he had been called in for a briefing with Steve for some new information that had come in for their departure on December 15 he expected he would be home sometime before dinner. You had called Sam up then, asking if he was needed at the briefing before asking if you both could spend the day trying to help you remember something, anything, unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working.

“Well then what happened on October 31st aside from Halloween bird brain?” you questioned with a mutter looking over at him as you adjusted yourself on the couch.

He glared at you before his features softened a frown over taking his lips. “Bucky proposed to you.”

You nodded groaning loudly. “Right, Of course he did.” you muttered angrily.

You were growing immensely frustrated that you couldn’t remember anything; You had thought finally coming home would help you but so far, you were no closer to remembering Bucky than you were when you had been at your apartment.

“Don’t worry Y/n, it will –”

“Come back to me in time, yeah, yeah.” you muttered, “You know, I’m getting real fucking tired of hearing that.” you scowled at the ground.

“Alright, you know what, I think that is as good a sign as any to call this a day, you need to take a break, breathe, and not break your head over this, it’s not going to benefit anyone if you become upset over this .” he said, closing the photo album that had been in his lap for the past half hour.

You sighed as the guilt washed over you, “I’m sorry Sam.”

“Nonsense, don’t be sorry y/n,” he said with a reassuring smile, “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, hell I’d be pretty pissed too, Besides, I’m used to your bluntness.” he smiled warmly at you as you both stood from the couch.

“hey did you want me to wait for Bucky to get here?” Sam asked, grabbing his keys out as you walked him towards the door.

“No need Sam, Bucky said he would be home in time for dinner so I’m assuming that means we will probably eat together.” you replied absentmindedly chewing the inside of your cheek nervously as you thought about seeing Bucky again, the kiss replaying in your head.

“You’re blushing,” Sam laughed, his finger coming up to poke at your warm cheeks.

“Shut up before I remove your key privileges,” you grumbled stepping outside with him as you walked with him to his car.

Sam let out a loud laugh, “firstly Bucky gave me this key so you have no say, secondly, you would never, I’m your favorite person aside from Tin man over there.” You looked up at Sam’s words in confusion, you noticed he was pointing towards Bucky who was making his way towards you all.

“Hey man,” Bucky said stopping in front of you two surprised to see Sam here, “Is everything okay?” he questioned as to why Sam was standing in the driveway with you.

“Everything’s fine man, y/n here,” he spoke gesturing to you, “reached out to me this morning and asked if I could help her go over somethings is all.” 

“Oh,” Bucky said surprised, “Well im glad you were here for her I appreciate it more than I could ever say, I’m going to head in and get changed, I’ll see you inside doll,” he spoke giving Sam a hug before leaning down to kiss your cheek making his way inside.

You both watched him walk away into the house your thoughts running as you watched his retreating form. One-minute Bucky was a total stranger to you who you felt shy and awkward around, but then the next minute you wished to be wrapped in his arms, his lips caressing yours. The doctors had said they had never seen such a case quite like yours, though what type of memory loss is normal. Most of your memory was intact, like knowing where you grew up, what the name of the president was, your name, blah, blah, blah. It was only the people in your life that you had seemed to lose sight of, oh and your own life for that matter. You knew some of the simpler things in life, like where to find certain things in a grocery store, but ask when your birthday was or what you were doing weeks prior to your accident and things would get very hazy for you.

It was like you couldn’t remember the things that made you, you; the things that made you smile, brought you happiness, or things in general you supposed. You knew these people (though you didn’t remember much of them) had helped you to become the person you were today, they all had such a huge impact in your life. Bucky had probably the biggest part in who you were today hell he was one of the reasons you were alive daily. As you thought about all of these things you couldn’t help but to think your memory was being possibly the biggest bitch right now.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked, glancing over at you.

“You mean besides the obvious?” you muttered halfheartedly smiling, at your lame attempt of a joke. 

Sam pulled you into a bone crushing hug, “Oh y/n, its going to be okay, everything is going to fall into place,” he muttered, “ I just need you to stay strong no matter how hard times like this get, if you need me you can call or text me, you’re not alone in this I promise, we’re all here for you.” he spoke pulling back to look at you.

You waited until Sam was in his car, watching him drive off before you made your way back towards the house. You closed the door with a sigh as you kicked off your shoes. Just when you thought some things were starting to make sense in your life it all came to a sudden halt.

Another sigh left your lips as you made your way down the hall to your bedroom, wanting or rather needing to give Bucky a proper greeting and figure out what the plans for dinner were. You walked towards the bedroom pushing the door open when a gasp left your lips, Bucky stood frozen in the middle of the room, body glistening wet a single cotton towel keeping from completely being naked in front of you .

“Oh my god!” You squealed quickly turning around cheeks going red in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you’d be getting out of the shower!” You mumbled quickly, your cheeks on fire.

Bucky chuckled behind you, “It’s alright doll, though I’m not sure why you’re acting so shocked, you’ve seen me naked plenty of times before.”

“Well that’s not something I remember!” You squeaked out, your teeth capturing your bottom lip.

“You want to take another look,” he questioned teasingly, “Maybe it will help jog your memory” he said his voice dropping. 

“Uh, that’s alright,” You said, your cheeks still burning.

He laughed. “come on sweetheart , I promise I’m not that awful looking.”

“Trust me I noticed,” You blurted out without thinking your face only growing hotter.

He laughed again. “Last chance, you sure you don’t want a sneak peek?” he continued to tease.

“Buck stop,” you moaned giggling as you shook your head back and forth.

“You know,” he started, “ I’m actually kind of upset you don’t remember seeing me naked, I mean, how could someone forget this?” he asked suggestively as he approached you.

“Oh my god James!,” you laughed, covering your face with your hands

“I’m only playing Y/n,” Bucky said with a small laugh. “ you can turn around now, I’m dressed, well, sort of.”

“I think I’ll wait til you leave,” you said with another laugh, not wanting to look at him again because You couldn’t get his naked, wet body out of your mind. Holy shit this was going to cause you some major problems.

“You know I always thought you were adorable when you blushed like that,” Bucky said his voice sounding right behind you causing you to jump.

“Stop!” you groaned with a small laugh.

“What’s wrong?” he teased, poking your sides, you squirmed.

“Bucky !” You yelped squirming forward and away from his hands.

“What is it doll?” he asked innocently, his breathy laugh floating across the back of your neck. “You know, I don’t know if you remember this but you were always very ticklish.” He said then, his voice giving off a taunting tone.

You knew what was going to come next but you still weren’t expecting it when he poked your sides again this time his hands didn’t leave your body. His fingers flicked back and fourth along your ribs and up your sides. Your embarrassment from earlier quickly faded as laughter fell from your lips, tears following close behind. Bucky was laughing behind you his fingers still expertly skimming your skin from the many times you could remember him doing this to you, he was so gentle with his caresses that it caused shivers to run down your spine.

“Bucky, please stop!” You gasped out in between giggles but when he made no attempt of stopping you took a step back, pushing yourself into him, hoping to make him stumble back but he instead wrapped his arms around you pulling you even closer.

“Nope don’t think I will!” he chuckled, nuzzling his face into your neck his stubble tickling you more than his hands ever could. Your face flushed again, though this time for a whole new reason.

“Babe Stop!” you laughed somehow managing to turn yourself around Bucky suddenly stopped moving stumbling forward at my movement, causing him to push you up against the doorway.

He pulled his head away looking down at you, you were so close you could feel his breath fan across your face, you could see his bright grey irises staring into yours. Your breathing slowed though you were still panting slightly, your chest pushed up against his own as he continued to lean against you.

“You called me babe,” he whispered, his hands travelling down your sides stopping at your hips.

“I know,” you said quietly, your eyes widening slightly when you realized that he was right.

He gave you a small smile, his eyes seeming to sparkle before he leaned down and pressed his lips to your forehead.

“I’m going to go start dinner, get yourself comfortable then you can come join me when you’re ready” he said softly as he pulled away, giving you one last smile before he left the room leaving you standing there completely speechless.

You had to take a few breaths to calm yourself. Why had you just called him babe? You hadn’t mean to, it just slipped out. All you could think about in that moment was that you remembered the way his hands felt as he ran them up and down your sides, you remembered the way his breath would hit your neck as he hugged you from behind pulling you close. You remembered what it felt like to be held by him. Closing your eyes, you tried to make sense of the events that had just transpired but you came up blank. Despite all these memories, you still couldn’t say that you remembered him. There were certain things you did remember about him but there wasn’t enough for you to admit that you remembered him.

You got dressed in jean shorts and one of Bucky’s shirts smiling when his scent consumed your senses. Making sure you were comfortable and ready to face Bucky you made your way through the hallway into the kitchen, Bucky turned to you,

“Hey sweetheart,” he said as you came into the room, smiling when he saw that you were wearing one of his shirts.

“Hey,” you said quietly not being able to control the blush that came across your cheeks because even though he was fully dressed right now, you couldn’t help but think about what he looked like under those clothes.

“I’m sorry for earlier, if I made you uncomfortable,” he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“No don’t apologize, it’s okay,” you stated with a shake of your head, you hoped he wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you had enjoyed it but something about the way he smiled at you just then made you think he did.

“So, uh, I was wondering,” he started to say, his tone taking on a nervous note. “Can I take you out on a date tonight?” he said in such a rush that you almost didn’t catch what he said.

“A date?” you repeated after a moment of silence surrounded the two of you.

“Yeah, I mean, if you want to,” he stated, “I was just thinking that maybe I could take you to some of the places we used to go to all the time, maybe it would help you remember some stuff, I mean, only if you want to though.” he reassured, “If you don’t want to, I get it, I mean, I don’t want to push you or make you feel uncomfortable or –“

“Buck!” you said with a small laugh, interrupting his word vomit. “I would really like that.” you admitted.

He grinned, his face taking on an almost childlike appearance with how happy he looked in that moment your heart stuttered in your chest.

“Well we can leave whenever you’re ready if you’d like to change into something much nicer, I know you just changed and all” he said, his smile echoing in his voice.

I couldn’t help but smile as well even though my stomach was filled with butterflies. “Okay, uh ill be back then.” you giggled nervously as you backstepped on your tiptoes.

He gave you a warm smile as he watched you walk away, you turned on your heel making your way back into your room. You plopped down onto the bed once you got in the smile planted on your face engrained. You would admit you were scared of how things might play out on this “date” but at the same time you had never been more ready. You were ready to remember him, you wanted to love him, you didn’t want Bucky to be this stranger to you anymore, you wanted your life back.


	15. Falling apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for this being so late but I was finishing up my Pearl Harbor AU series on tumblr and the last part alone took me two day to edit as did this chapter! I hope you all enjoy this one, feedback is always appreciated! Happy readings sweet angels!

“Bucky!” you called out opening the door to your shared bedroom, you rushed down the hall headed for the kitchen, only to nearly crash into him as you turned the corner. He caught you, his hands gripping the tops of your arms steadying you.

“Yeah?” he asked with a small laugh.

“I, uh, what should I wear?” you asked him, trying to hold back the frown that wanted to grace your lips when he took his hands off of you stepping back.

“Really what you’re wearing now is fine,” he answered with a shrug.

“Really?” You asked skeptically, looking down at the outfit you had on. You still had on the pair of torn jean shorts and his white t-shirt on.

“Promise doll,” he said giving you a warm smile when he noticed you staring at him your eyebrow raised. “You were never much for fancy nights out on the town, The last time I tried to take you out to a nice dinner we both had a pretty miserable experience and that was just looking over menus.” he tried to look serious but his grin soon broke free.

You laughed “well I suppose I’m almost ready then I’ll just fix my hair and throw on a bit of makeup .” He scrunched his face at you but nodded. “What, what is it?” you questioned, wondering why he had given you that look.

He shrugged a sigh leaving his. “It’s honestly nothing, Ive just always thought you never needed any of that, you’re already beautiful.”

His comment floored you leaving you speechless you composed yourself, though you couldn’t control the blush that crept up on your cheeks. “James Buchanan Barnes you stop that .” you grumbled slipping on some shoes and grabbing a sweater as you made your way towards the door Bucky in tow.

“You really weren’t kidding, were you?” you questioned with a laugh as Bucky pulled up to the drive thru of a burger joint.

He chuckled. “I told you. you weren’t much for fancy restaurants, you always loved the more simpler things and you always made sure I knew that.”

You laughed again as he pulled up to the speaker ordering two cheeseburgers with fries and two chocolate milkshakes for the both of you. As he pulled up to the window to pick up your order you noticed him sneak a few glances at you, the brightest smile you had ever seen always present on his face. You weren’t sure why but just those few glances never failed to get your cheeks to flush in a crimson blush your eyes glancing out the window, biting your lip you felt the butterflies move around in your stomach. The cashier handed Bucky the food; he passed you the bag while he placed the milkshakes in the cup holders. You went to open the bag of food but Bucky’s hand reached across the console and grabbed your hand in his ceasing any further movement, your heart beat erratically in your chest as you stared at him.

“Don’t touch it!” he ordered with a grin.

“What, Bucky” you practically whined. “I can’t even have a fry?”

“Sorry doll, not even a fry, we have to get to our spot first.” He answered with a small laugh.

You sighed dramatically but folded the bag back up placing it in between the both of you. Bucky pulled his hand away resting it on the clutch, he pulled out of the parking lot and headed down the main road. You watched as his hand would once again occasionally begin to drift closer to your knee before he would catch himself and hold the clutch tighter. Finally having enough you reached over and grabbed his hand before placing it on your knee your hand covering his. His lips twitched upwards in a smile, you glanced back out the window enjoying the feeling that him holding your knee brought you.

A few minutes later you were pulling up to a very familiar looking location a grin making its way onto your lips. Bucky pulled into the parking lot finding a perfect spot for the two of you. He was barely putting the car in park when you were flinging your door open stepping out onto the sandy concrete. Bucky chuckled at your eagerness grabbing the milkshakes before he met you at the front of the car, he patted the hood, “ hop on sweetheart,” you were still smiling unable to contain it, you just felt so connected to the beach.

You remembered that this was where you had first met Bucky since the accident and it made you both excited and nervous that there was a chance you could possibly remember more while you were here with him.

The dusk was just settling in, the setting sun casting an orange glow in the sky the rays reflecting perfectly off the sandy waters. You slid up onto the hood, taking the food from Bucky’s hands as you began to pull the food out sorting it in the middle.

You looked up to find Bucky staring at you with an unreadable expression, “what?” you questioned looking around you.

He grinned then, making you even more confused. “You’re just surprising me more and more, that’s all,” He said giving you his back so he could slide on as well.

“So,” you said once he was sitting comfortably,” did you get yourself something too or ?” you joked, popping one of his fries into your mouth.

“Very funny doll,” Bucky said, giving you a stern look his hands reaching out to pull his food closer to him.

You let out a giggle as you reached for one of your fry’s holding it out to him. He looked from you to the fry then back to you, he raised a brow. He reached his hand out slowly to take it from you but at the last second you were snatching the fry away plopping it into your mouth. Bucky’s jaw dropped in shock hand still mid air, “I’m going to let that slide, but just this once.” He said picking up a fry of his own.

A comfortable silence fell over the two of you for a few moments as you started to eat, the orange glow now being replaced with a blanket of dark blue, you glanced over at the man across from you to see him already staring, a small smile on his lips despite the fact that his mouth was full of food. You shook your head with a small chuckle looking out towards the sea before you, you began to picture a man and woman running walking across the beach, toes nestled

in the sand, hands intertwined tightly, not a care in the world. It took you a few moments but you realize that you weren’t just picturing it, you were actually remembering the way Bucky and you used to come here after a particularly rough mission, or on a day when you needed a break from the reality you lived in and walk hand in hand until the sunset went down and you were covering in a dark blue light, with stars twinkling above you as the waves crashed to shore.

You smiled looking over at Bucky, “so did we always make it a habit of going on dates at the beach?” you asked him, leaning a little further back to cross your legs in front of you.

He smiled warmly, a hint of nostalgia lingering in his eyes, "sometimes, only when we really needed a break, an escape from all the responsibilities that weighed on our shoulders, you always liked to come here and just walk the beach, you loved to feel the warmth of the cooling sand. I loved watching you, the way your eyes would just light up as soon as we pulled up to the curb, I saw it again this evening, that same sparkle, you remember it, don’t you?”

You smiled, cheeks warming slightly. “a little, I just feel comfortable here, I feel comfortable here with you, I feel like I belong here, like I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be.” you explained quietly.

You were quiet for a few more minutes your eyes moving back to the beach, you looked over at him to see his eyes already on you, that same small smile on his lips.

“Why do you keep staring at me like that?” you asked a nervous chuckle leaving your lips, you starting to feel a little self-conscious, especially with that confession that had slipped from your lips.

His smile got bigger and he shrugged. “I’m just appreciating the view.”

You looked away chewing on your bottom lip your cheeks heating up.

“You’ve been wearing your hair down a lot lately,” he noted.

You looked back over at him, your brows furrowed, “am I not allowed to do that?” you asked with a confused chuckle.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, I was just wondering, I mean, you always hated to have your hair in your face, you always had it up” he explained, motioning to your fringe that was blowing in the wind whipping around your face which in all honesty was starting to annoy you.

You shrugged pursing your lips before you sighed. “If I can be honest, I don’t mind it right now, it helps to cover the scar.” you said quietly, you pushed your hair up slightly so he could see the aftermath that had stayed behind after your accident.

“M’ sorry sweetheart,” he mumbled, he pushed his finished food aside scooting closer to you. “I had completely forgotten about that,” he said sadly looking over it. “does it hurt still?”

You gave him a small smile shaking your head, “not really, it's only the moments when I forget that it's there and i go to push my hair away from my face that I accidentally brush it, I'm only worried that the scar may get uglier.”

He slid even closer to you, closing the space between the two of you until his knees touched your own. He looked at you with somber eyes and he realized in that moment that this bruise, this bump, this gash on your forehead was more than likely the cause of you losing your memories. He reached his hand up hesitantly pausing to look down at you, checking to make sure it was okay and when you nodded your head he slowly continued to reach out until his fingers gently caressed your forehead. He avoided the newly scarring area, instead traveling around it; his hand sliding down to stop on your cheek, his warm palm sending a comforting warmth to your windblown face.

He slowly leaned down, his breath fanning warmly across your forehead. “You’re still as beautiful as the first day I met you sweetheart.” He whispered before leaning down all the way and placing one of the gentlest kisses you had ever felt, right where it hurt the most your eyes slipped shut at the gesture.

_“Everything okay y/n, you just got home from a mission, shouldn’t you be back at the tower resting?” he asked his eyes looking you over with concern._

_“M’ fine Bucky,” you replied with a sigh as you kicked off your shoes, your toes immediately digging into the warm sand, “I just needed to get out of the tower for a little bit,” you explained taking a step forward, sunglasses obscuring his eyes from the nasty bruise brewing under your skin._

_“Did you want to go take a walk?” he questioned, you nodded._

_You waited for Bucky to kick off his shoes, he joined you shortly after on the sand his shoes in hand. You began to make your way through the sandy beach reaching the edge of the water. You both stood there for a moment, Bucky silent by your side. He knew this was the place you liked to escape to when you had a rather rough day, he was surprised that you had even shared that with him the first moment that you did, even more surprised when you brought him one day explaining you had needed to get away._

_“What went wrong this time?” he questioned silently, the water lapping at your toes._

_You let out an unamused laugh, “What didn’t go wrong,” you muttered, “Steve miscalculated the amount of guards in the section he sent me in and well, he nor Sam could get to me because they were outnumbered as well.”_

_Bucky let out a grunt from beside you, his fists clenching at his side, you smile reaching down to untangle his hand grasping it in yours. He looked down at you an unreadable expression on his face, you gave him a small smile as you tugged on his hand getting him to walk with you. Since meeting Bucky you had learned he had a very protective aura to him, after getting through his rather thick walls you had quickly became one of those he was fiercely protective of, but only because of how protective of him you had been from the first day Steve had introduced you two. You had quickly learned from Steve and Sam that Bucky wasn’t too fond of you being sent on missions if he wasn’t able to make them. You were just relieved he was here with you now, though he had been lounging in his room unwinding when you had questioned if he would join you, you were grateful when he didn’t turn you away. You were thankful you had found a friend in Bucky; he had helped you in so many ways, there were never enough words to express to him how grateful you were._

_The sun had just set when Bucky pulled you both to a stop, he released your hand as he shrugged off his jacket laying it in the sand ways from the cooled ocean water. He tugged you down next to him his hand finding yours again. Neither of you spoke a word as you watched the sun completely disappear a comfortable silence washing over you. That was one of things you liked most about Bucky, he didn’t have to offer you comforting words, he was just there like he knew you needed, you always felt safe and at home when you were with Bucky. You turned your head to look over to Bucky to find him already looking back at you he reached for your sunglasses before you had enough time to react._

_“Jesus Christ doll!” he gasped; eyes wide. “What the hell happened?” he questioned his fingers running gently over the darkened purple skin of your eye._

_“You should see the other guy,” you murmured, leaning in slightly into his hand._

_“y/n what happened?” he repeated, his hand now reaching up to grip my chin so he could both look at you and examine your darkened eye._

_“I told you Buck I was outnumbered, Steve and Sam were busy, I had to take care of myself” you replied softly._

_His eyes widened, “Y/n, if you knew you would be outnumbered you should have never gone in sweetheart.”_

_“Bucky, I needed to my floor had the files we needed to obtain” you argued, pulling out of his grasp again. “It was my job Buck, Steve and Sam were depending on me, besides this is part of the job,” you spoke pointing to your eye, “we know this isn’t an easy job and we know going into any mission that we could get hurt or worse, but we do it because we know it needs to be done.”_

_Bucky sighed, a hint of anger in his eyes. “It’s not right sweetheart they shouldn’t have sent you in alone, they could have asked for me to come on this mission we all know the risks.”_

_“Bucky I'm fine, I don’t always need backup, im perfectly fine taking on several agents alone,” you muttered._

_Bucky sighed again. “I’m sorry y/n I know you are, I just, I worry about you.” He said quietly._

_A sigh left your lips, “I know buck I’m fine really, at least it’s a bruise and not a gash, then there’d be a nasty scar.” you muttered._

_He gave you a small smile before he reached up and grabbed your chin again, gently turning your head as he leaned down, his breath fanning your face._

_“I’ll still think you’re beautiful,” he whispered placing a feather-light kiss right below your eye._

_Your eyes slipped shut a swarm of unexpected butterflies erupted in your stomach as his lips ghosted across your skin, You realized then the one feeling that you had been avoiding you were starting to fall in love with Bucky._

“Y/n?”

Bucky’s soft voice pulled you from my memory, you opened your eyes to see him still leaning over toward you, his face inches away from yours. You weren’t sure what came over you in that moment, maybe it was because for once, the feelings that you had felt in your flashback seemed to linger a little bit longer than usual – though not staying completely – but you leaned closer to him, closing what little distance there ad been left between the two of you as you pressed your lips to his.

In that moment, as his lips moved against yours, you realized you were starting to remember what it felt like to love Bucky Barnes. It was small, a little glimmer of emotion but it was there and you were going to hold on to it for dear life.

You pulled away from Buck a sheepish smile playing on your lips. He opened his eyes, looking back at me with a warm smile, his eyes shining. He brought his hand up and brushed the hair out of my face, pushing it behind my ear. You bit your lip nervously, afraid of what he was going to say to you but he didn’t say anything. He pushed the food around so that he could adjust himself, his front to your back as he pulled you into him his arms wrapping around yours.

After awhile you spoke up, “Bucky when did you realize you had feelings for me that was more than just friendly?”

Bucky chuckled deeply from behind you, “you mean when did I realize I was in love with you?” He questioned.

You nodded your head not trusting your voice

“You had just returned from a mission,” he began, “you, Steve, and Sam were assigned to it, Steve didn’t think you needed the extra help so I was left behind, Steve had never been quiet good at calculating the _what ifs_ of missions so he had each of you take a floor, each of you had been outnumbered,” he sighed, “ anyway you came home that evening got dressed then came to find me, said you needed to go to your spot, I knew something bad had happened whether it had been from you needing to get away or the sunglasses you had perched on your face,” he paused, “my feelings prior to that day had been there, something I had been avoiding letting myself feel but nonetheless there, but I don’t know something about that specific day just brought something out, I’ve always had a tender spot for you sweetheart it had just taken seeing you hurt for the first time without me by your side to kick my feelings for you into gear.”

Tears pooled at your eyes but you refused to let them fall as you wrapped his arms tighter around you, a shiver running down your spine at his answer. You both remained silent after, Bucky occasionally pressing soft kisses to your hair. God how bad you wanted the memories to hit you, you just wanted to remember him.

“Think we should get going sweetheart, don’t want it to get any later.” Bucky spoke up.

You nodded sliding off the hood first, Bucky following after. You grabbed your leftover food and melted milkshakes tossing them into the bag to trash at home.

The ride home was silent; comfortable but silent. This time Bucky didn’t even hesitate to put his hand on your knee, the feeling comforting. You were staring out the window watching the scenery blur when you felt yourself slipping into your mind.

_“You’re avoiding me sweetheart, what’s going on,” Bucky spoke softly as he entered your room._

_You looked up at him watching as he closed the door softly behind him before making his way to your bed, “nothing, it’s nothing Buck,” you answered picking at the material of your comforter._

_“It’s obviously something if you’re avoiding me doll? Did I do something?” he questioned, voice concerned as he glanced down at you._

_“No, god no Bucky, you didn’t do anything.” You said quickly, looking over at him. His face looked concerned but there was the underlying frustration lacing his features._

_“Then what is it Y/n; why have you been avoiding me like crazy?”_

_You sighed glancing down at your hands you sucked in a breath, “I was late, I thought, I thought I was pregnant,” you admitted quietly, looking back up at him. “I’m not,” You added when you noticed his reaction._

_He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to collect his thoughts,“What? Why didn’t you tell me anything?”_

_You let out a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding,. “I don’t know, I just, I was scared.”_

_He finally moved closer to you, picking up your hand in his, his thumb sweeping over yours comfortingly. “why were you scared?”_

_“I don’t know Buck, we’ve never talked about this kind of thing, sure we always talk about our future and having kids but we always know that it’s just playful, we never talked about actually having a family, would we even be able to, look at our life, look at what we do,” you sighed, “missions are always risky, this life we live is dangerous, we can’t even plan a wedding because missions seem to pop up out of nowhere now, I just, it got me thinking and then I thought, I mean, I don’t know; I just started to panic.” You rushed out, “I just didn’t want you to worry with me, you didn’t need me throwing this on you either.”_

_Bucky sighed. “Y/f/n y/l/n, what the hell is wrong with you?” he questioned with a grunt._

_You looked up at him wide eyed “excuse me?” You stammered out, not expecting that reaction from him at all._

_He slumped his shoulders before he picked up my hand that he was still holding and brought it closer to me. “what is this?” he asked you, pointing down at the diamond ring on your finger._

_“My engagement ring?” You answered with a question, his reaction still confusing you._

_He smiled softly. “Yes, your engagement ring, that I gave you, y/n, do you know why I gave you this ring?” He questioned though you didn’t answer, “I love you y/n, you’re my world and I can’t picture myself with anyone else, ever, I gave you this ring, I asked you to marry me because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, that also means that I am prepared for anything and everything that comes with that. I want to buy a house with you, have babies with you, grow old with you, I want to have a future with you. Y/n, I love you and no matter what happens, I will always love you and I will always be here for you. Don’t you know that?” he whispered the last part, his eyes taking on a hurt look._

_“ I do James I swear I do, and I love you too,” you said your hand coming up to cup his cheek, “I just wasn’t expecting this to happen, and well, god I don’t know.” You sighed hand slipping from his cheek your head casting down._

_Bucky wrapped you in his arms his head falling on yours,”did you think I wouldn’t want this with you, that I would be upset if you were pregnant?” He asked quietly._

_“We never talked about it, and the timing isn’t right either.” You whispered._

_“The timing is never going to be perfect doll,” He spoke up with a small chuckle. “The life we live is too crazy to ever be normal but I wouldn’t change any of it, and I know you wouldn’t either, I never thought of talking about it because I didn’t see it as a problem, when that time comes, whether its next month or next year, whenever, I’ll be there Y/n, we’re in this together and there is no one else I would rather be with for all of it.”_

_You moved your head to look up at him,“Do you really mean that?” You whispered._

_He stared at you with such intensity you couldn’t bring yourself to look away, “of course I do sweetheart,. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I didn’t.”_

_You let out a small laugh, suddenly feeling foolish for thinking that Bucky would have freaked out. You knew he loved you, you knew he wouldn’t leave. Its just having a child in this life wasn’t something you felt you had the luxury of ever having._

_“You know,” Bucky spoke up pulling you from your thoughts, “I would have been happy,”he whispered, pulling you closer._

_“What?” You asked, not sure what he meant._

_He took a breath, “If you were pregnant, I would have been happy with it, excited even.” He explained with a small shrug._

_You couldn’t contain the smile that painted your lips. “Really?” You questioned._

_“Of course, I mean, I have thought about it before, seeing you with a little me, a little us. I want that someday.” He said with a shy smile._

_You leaned into him. “I want that too, I want that with you.” You agreed looking up to see him break out into a breathtaking grin. “But Buck, like I said, we don’t even have the time to plan a wedding.” You said with a small laugh._

_“I thought you wanted a fall wedding?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows._

_“I do but Steve said there’s talks of a possible hydra related mission–“_

_“Stop,” he interrupted. “Doll we’ve been engaged for almost a year now. December is six months away, that’s plenty of time, hell we could even do January or February if you really wanted to push it back.”_

_“James Buchanan Barnes you’ve never planned a wedding, have you?” you teased with a shake of your head._

_He chuckled. “You, Natasha, Wanda, hell even Sam can help you figure out how to give you the perfect wedding.”_

_You giggled . “I just want to to be surrounded by family and those that love us.”_

_He smiled softly down at you, “So its settled, we’ll start planning for our wedding, seriously start planning because I can’t wait to start my life with you.”_

_“I love you Bucky Barnes ,” You whispered as you leaned up your lips pressing to his ._

_“And I love you y/f/n y/l/n, future Mrs. Barnes.” he whispered against your lips._

_“Sweetheart?”_

_“Yeah?” You questioned pulling back from him._

_“What if, um, after we’re married, what if maybe we, uh…” he let his sentence trail and it wasn’t hard to figure out where he was headed._

_“You want to try?” You questioned, a little shocked, a little excited, a little scared._

_He let out a nervous chuckle. “Well, I mean, not necessarily try,” he started, “but, like I said, the timing will never be perfect and actually planning it would be too much I think, but what if we, I don’t know, I mean what if we just let whatever happens, happen?”_

_“So we won’t exactly be trying but we wouldn’t exactly be doing anything to prevent it either?” You questioned glancing up at him._

_He smiled softly, nervously,“Exactly, I mean, only if you want to.” He added quickly.._

_“Of course I want to, I mean I may have been panicking but I’d be lying if I said a part of me hadn’t been hopeful.”_

_“God I fucking love you,” he murmured with a laugh before he was pushing you down into the bed._

_“I love you too.” You whispered your lips finding his again._

_In that moment you realized just how lucky you were. You had a man who loved you, who would stand by you through anything. You were going to marry him in 10 months and then, whatever happened after that, we would deal with when it came. You were no longer scared or panicked, you knew that no matter what happened, Bucky would be right there by you side and you couldn’t wait to start your future with him._

Bucky pulled into the driveway of your home all too soon and you suddenly found yourself nervous and on edge. You were silent as the two of you climbed out of the car making your way up to the porch. You kept your distance from him, trying not to give him any excuse to touch you because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings when you pulled away. He unlocked the door and you quickly made you way inside, heading straight for the bedroom. Bucky walked in as you were gathering a change of clothes you knew he was confused by your behavior.

“do you want to watch a movie before we go to bed doll?” he questioned, leaning against the doorframe.

“Um, I’m pretty tired, I’m just going to take a quick shower and then go to bed.” You answered, not looking at him.

“Oh, okay, I’ll just wait for you –“ he started to say but you cut him off.

“Actually, I think I’m going to sleep in the guest bedroom tonight,” you rushed out grabbing your things together.

“Oh. Okay.” He repeated, his voice coming out crushed you quickly walked past him, leaving him in the bedroom.

Making your way a littler further down the hall you stepped in the guest room, flicking on the light and closing the door quietly. You were gasping for air as you tossed your clothes and charger on the bed. You paced the room before you slid down to the floor, bringing your knees to your chest. You couldn’t do this, it was too much. Not only were you supposed to be marrying Bucky in a little less than 3 months but now there was the possibility of starting a family. You still didn’t even know him, you barely knew who you were! You rocked back and forth against the bed, closing your eyes tightly trying calm your breathing.

You couldn’t handle this.


	16. Free falling

_“I’m not mad Barnes so drop it” you hissed, slamming your fist down on the granite counter._  
  
 _“Definitely, not mad at all,” Bucky muttered, his arms crossing against his chest as he leaned against the doorway, fully blocking your path._  
  
 _You sighed, “Bucky, just please, leave me alone, I need a minute alone please.”_  
  
 _“No, Not until you let me explain.”_  
  
 _You laughed darkly, unamused in the slightest, “Explain? What would you like to explain?” You questioned, I heard the other agents chatting about it during training Bucky; I think I have a pretty good idea of what exactly happened.”_  
  
 _He sighed closing his eyes his fingers coming up to rub at them, “y/n would you please just let me explain?”_  
  
 _You shook your head the hot tears beginning to form behind your eyes but you wouldn’t cry, you weren’t going to let him see you cry. “I told you when this first started Bucky that no matter the situation we always tell each other anything it doesn’t matter what it is,” you started, “ now I don’t care who she is or what happened, how scared you were to blow your cover, I’m not going to stay quiet and pretend like nothing happened, I’m also not going to let people think I’m a laughing stock!”_  
  
 _“Nothing happened Y/n!” he yelled, it wasn’t angry or loud, it was desperate and sad. “I wouldn’t do that to you, just please, let me explain.”_  
  
 _“You kissed her.” You stated flatly, staring down at the counter._  
  
 _“She kissed me, I didn’t kiss her back Y/n; I couldn’t exactly push her away either our cover would have been blown.” He sighed head falling, “I could never hurt you like that, I’m so sorry.”_  
  
 _You scoffed, “for fucks sake Barnes how could you have had your cover blown you could have asked Natasha and Sam to create a divergent if you really didn’t want her coming onto you they were in the same room!” You hissed, “You’re sorry, sorry for what Bucky? That it happened? Or are you sorry that I found out through the agent you locked lips with gossiping about it to the other agents? You didn’t tell me Bucky! I had to find out from one of my trainees! Why wouldn’t you tell me?” my voice broke at the end but I was still holding back the tears._  
  
 _“I was scared,” he finally said, leaving his post in the doorway and coming closer to you. “I love you so much Y/n and I’m terrified that one of these days I’ll fuck up and do something that I will regret and you’ll leave because of it, I can’t lose you, I just can’t.”_  
  
 _“So you thought not telling me was the best option, you just assumed I would never find out about it? Did you honestly think that I wouldn‘t hear about the missions you go on?”_  
  
 _Bucky sighed, “No, of course not, I just, I was going to tell you, I just wanted it to be in person, so that I could explain it, this wasn’t the welcome home I was expecting.” He muttered with another sigh._  
  
 _“And you think I was?” You started, “Bucky, my god, I can’t even.” You sighed. “Bucky, I trust you, I trust you to make the calls you feel are necessary on missions when I’m not there, I really do, I’ve known you for what feels like to damn long not to not trust you. But you have to trust me too. If you had just texted or called me and told me what happened the night that it happened,” you sighed in frustration, “I mean don’t get me wrong, I would probably still be pissed, but at least I would already know what happened before I had to found out from the other agents . Do you know how much of a fool I feel?” you asked quietly, “the agents are speaking about it and me as if it's nothing, as if in the moment our relationship hadn't mattered.” this time you couldn’t control the tear that escaped and you closed your eyes, shaking your head._  
  
 _“Sweetheart,” Bucky whispered coming closer to you placing his hand on yours that was still braced against the counter. “I love you and if I'm honest I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have let her do what she did, your right there could have been another way to go about not having our cover blown, I should have told you right away, I know that now and it’s been eating away at me but y/n, I promise you, it meant nothing, I pushed her away as soon as we were in the clear, I didn’t kiss her back and im not sure what your hearing from these other agents but please don’t listen to them, you are the only one I want you.”_  
  
 _“I’m going to bed,” you said quietly turning away from him._  
  
 _He sighed as you walked away from him and made your way down the hallway. You heard his footsteps following you as you entered your bedroom. You went over to the dresser as Bucky took a seat on the bed you felt his gaze on you the entire time as you grabbed some pajamas._  
  
 _“You’re not sleeping in here, are you?” he questioned voice low._  
  
 _“I just need to think,” you answered quietly as you headed back out the room and down into the guest bedroom._  
  
 _You closed the door and flopped down on the bed, finally shedding the tears that you had been holding in. You brought your hands up to cover you eyes as you lay there, just trying to process everything. You knew that Bucky meant what he said, that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just some agent who made a move on him to avoid there cover from being blown but you couldn’t get it out of your head. It wasn’t the first time a girl had mad a move on him, hell it had happened many times, but he always told you, or you were there when it happened. If it wasn’t for the fact that you were now engaged, if it wasn’t for you getting so into your head with the worse case scenarios, you knew that you both wouldn’t be fighting like this right now_  
  
 _You sighed as you let your arms fall down to your sides. You couldn’t do this, you couldn’t handle this. You loved Bucky and you knew he loved you. You knew that the only reason he didn’t tell you was because he knew it would just tear at your already inner turmoil. But you needed to be strong, you needed to open your eyes. Bucky was nothing like that, and you weren’t going to let yourself or some agent who couldn’t keep her hands or mouth to herself ruin what Bucky and you have worked so hard for._  
  
 _So you got up and made your way toward the door, opening it and walking straight into your bedroom. Bucky was now lying in bed, shirtless with his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. You didn’t even think twice as youclimbed into the bed and snuggled into him. His arms wrapping around you instantly and you knew that the two of youwould be okay._  
  
 _Bucky_ _and you would be able to get through anything._  
  
You wiped furiously at your eyes as you lay awake in bed, the bed that felt cold and lonely. Why were you even in here? Things were going so well; you were finally starting to remember. You weren’t mad at Bucky and the longer you laid there in that bed, you realized that the only time you had ever came in this room was when you used to get in a fight or when you just needed time to think and you didn’t have time to go to the beach or to the park. You also realized that you had never once actually slept in the room for a full night. You always went back and made up with Bucky because you couldn’t stand being away from him when he was here only a few rooms away.  
  
So you got up and left the room, the room that somehow seemed to solve your problems and you made your way back to the bedroom you shared with Bucky. The door was opened slightly but the lights were off so you pushed it open quietly, just in case Bucky was already asleep. You closed the door making your way over to the bed –which was a pretty hard thing to do in the dark now that you thought about. You finally found the bed though and climbed in, feeling Bucky’s body as you laid down.  
  
He shifted when you got in your eyes adjusting to the darkness, he turned around so that he could face you. He didn’t say anything nor did he make any moves to reach out for you so you knew you had to be the one to make the first move. You laid on your side so that you were facing him finally finding the courage to speak.  
  
“I’m sorry,” you said quietly, scooting a little closer to him.  
  
“It was too much, wasn’t it?” he asked softly, a hint of sadness in his voice.  
  
“No; well, I mean kind of but that’s not,” you took in a deep breath that came out in a sigh. “I’m just scared Bucky.”  
  
“What are you scared of, remembering me?” he asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.  
  
“No,” you whispered fingers running on the duvet. “I’m scared that I won’t remember you.”  
  
“y/n,” Bucky said with a sympathetic sigh. “You will remember, the doctors said there is no reason for you not to, there was no permanent damage done from the accident, it was just a rare case, you will remember and I will be right here until you do.”  
  
“What if it takes longer than any of us expect?” you questioned, “I remember enough to know that you leave for the hydra intel operation December 15 which i should also be going on, I also remember that we’re supposed to be getting married on February 18, I remember so much of our life yet I can’t just put it all together for it to make sense, It’s frustrating and annoying and I just-”  
  
“y/n, y/n, hey, calm down doll, okay?” he whispered, “there is still plenty of time, I don’t want you to feel rushed or anything because I will be right here until you remember this life, your life, our life, i will never leave you, I promise you that,” he whispered with conviction, “but right now though, just relax, i know that you’re exhausted and that you haven’t been sleeping well so please, before you give me a panic attack, get some rest okay?”  
  
“I’m really sorry Bucky,” you whispered sadly.  
  
You truly were, you didn’t feel sorry for yourself anymore, you didn’t care if you didn’t know who you were you were just sorry for putting Bucky through this. He was a great, sweet guy, he had been there for you when you needed him and now you weren’t there when he needed you.  
  
“Please stop apologizing,” he pleaded. “y/n, none of this is your fault and I just wish you would realize that, I will never leave you,” he whispered fiercely, grabbing your hand and holding it tightly in his.  
  
“And I _will_ come back to you, I promise.”  
  
“I know you will,” he said with a smile and you couldn’t help but smile back before you yawned.  
  
He chuckled. “I think you’ve had a pretty long day; maybe you should get some sleep?”  
  
You giggled. “Sounds lovely.”  
  
You yawned again snuggling closer to Bucky, placing your head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you pulling you close and you briefly remembered him kissing the top of your head before you drifted off into a peaceful slumber.  
  
You woke up the next morning still lying on Bucky’s chest. You smiled as you untangled his arms from around you before climbing out of the bed, trying not to wake him. You quickly changed heading out into the kitchen, having decided that you were going to try and make some breakfast even if Bucky had said you weren’t allowed to cook. After searching in the pantry and fridge for nearly ten minutes though, you quickly realized that there was no food in the house that would make a decent enough meal.  
  
You glanced over at the clock to see that it was just past ten in the morning and decided that you would run to the grocery store so that you could restock the place. You grabbed your purse and keys off the counter going to check back in on Bucky to find him still sleeping deciding to just let him sleep in you headed out the door. You got in your car and headed for the store, during your drive you let yourself think back to everything that happened last night.  
  
You felt horrible, like a bit of an idiot, because you probably scared the shit of Bucky when you went and “slept” in the guest bedroom. More importantly, you felt awful because you had forgotten him, the person who had been there for you for everything and who loved you unconditionally.  
A sigh left your lips and before you could even process it, you had spent almost two hours at the grocery store. Jesus Christ you needed to get ahold of yourself. When you finally made your way up to the checkout line with an overflowing cart of food you dug through your purse, searching for your phone only to realize that you had left it at home, still charging on the nightstand in the guest bedroom. Of course, just your luck. You finished checking out and made your way back outside to load up the car. The drive back home was quicker than you expected and you got an uneasy feeling in your stomach when you pulled into the driveway to see a bunch of cars you didn’t recognize.  
  
You grabbed your purse and started to head inside, deciding that there was too much stuff for you to carry in by yourself and you were honestly curious as to what was going on. You opened the door and heard what sounded like worried voices coming from the kitchen and living room area and you hesitantly made your way over there, realizing that there was a crowd of people in your house that you probably wouldn’t remember but you couldn’t exactly hide from. You took a deep breath before rounding the corner your eyes widened at the scene in front of me.  
  
Everyone was huddled over in the living room and you mean _everyone_. Sam was there, Natasha and you even recognized Wanda and Steve from all the pictures in the hallway. Your nerves spiked at the sight of all these people in your house but it wasn’t until you looked over at the couch that you really started to get anxious.  
  
Bucky was sitting down on the couch, his elbows on his knees and his head cradled in his hands. Everyone went silent as they finally noticed my presence and Steve reached over and nudged Bucky on the arm. Bucky’s head snapped up and it was only then that you noticed he looked panic stricken and you were almost positive he had been crying.  
  
What the hell happened?

There was a room full of people that you kind of recognized but you did not remember, staring at you, their faces taking on a look of relief that confused the hell out of you. Bucky jumped up from the couch, smiling slightly but he still looked like he was in pain, as if he had gotten the worst news in the world. You were standing there like a deer in headlights, having absolutely no clue what was going on. Suddenly, people started talking, saying things towards you, you were too shocked to even understand what they were trying to say. It was overwhelming to say the least, you barely knew these people yet they were all here, staring at me like you had hung the stars for them. So naturally, you did what any normal person in this situation would do.  
  
You ran.  
  
Turning on your heel you sprinted down the hallway, ducking into the closest bedroom you saw which just so happened to be the bedroom Bucky and you shared. You quickly closed the door, slamming it loudly as you braced yourself against it trying to catch your breath. Your purse had disappeared at some point in all of this, you placed your hands over your face, trying to remind yourself that you were going to be okay. You knew these people, they weren’t going to hurt you and they obviously didn’t mean to scare you like they had. You were just overreacting of course but you weren’t prepared to face all your friends more than half of whom you only knew the names of right now.  
There was a soft knock on the door that somehow managed to make you jump away from the door as if you had been burned and whatever attempt you had made at calming yourself down vanished quickly as your heart nearly escaped from your chest.  
  
“Y/n? Sweetheart you alright?”  
  
You recognized the voice as Sam and you immediately understood why they had sent him to talk to me. Sam was still the only person you really remembered. There was still some things about him that were a little hazy and unclear but he was basically all you knew right now. That being said though, you didn’t find any comfort in his soft voice as he knocked on the door again.  
  
“Can I talk to Bucky?” you asked through the door and you didn’t hear a response so you could only assume he had gone to go get him.  
  
You needed to talk to Bucky, you needed to know why he looked so broken. Had your doctors called him while you were gone? Maybe you weren’t progressing as well as everyone thought. Maybe you wouldn’t remember anything else after now. Maybe they found something else wrong with you. Maybe the accident caused a problem and you were on the brink of death.   
  
There was another knock on the door that once again had you jumping out of your skin.  
  
“Y/n, it’s Bucky.”  
  
Without even thinking you turned around opening the door immediately grabbing his arm, practically pulling him inside the room before you shut the door again. He was surprised by your action and nearly stumbled over at your sudden outburst but he caught himself and turned toward you as you leaned back against the closed door.  
  
“Why are all these people here? What happened?” You whisper yelled, not wanting other people to hear you though you weren’t sure why.  
  
Bucky scratched the back of his neck and continued to stare at you; somehow he now looked like a deer in the headlights.  
  
“I, uh, I called them all,” he finally said, still staring at you as if he thought you were going to disappear if he took his eyes off of you.  
  
“What? Why?” you asked in a panic. “I’m not ready for this shit! I’m fucking freaking out right now!”  
  
“I-I’m sorry,” he stammered out, chewing his bottom lip.  
  
“What’s wrong? Why do you look like something horrible happened?” you asked, once again noticing how his eyes were slightly puffy, as if he had been crying.  
  
“Where did you go?” he asked, ignoring your question.  
  
“The store; you obviously don’t know how to keep a house stocked with food.” You answered, unsure why he was asking you these things.  
“And your phone?” he asked, once again chewing on his lip.  
  
You sighed. “I left it in the guest bedroom; I forgot to grab it when I left this morning and I guess I just spaced out and was thinking too much because I spent nearly four hours at the store, Bucky, please tell me what happened.”  
  
He sighed and let out a nervous chuckle,“Um, when I woke up this morning and you were gone, and when you weren’t answering my phone calls, I thought that, maybe, yesterday was still too much and you panicked again and left me.” he explained in a rush and you had to strain your ears to hear him as he looked away.  
  
You stared at him, letting his words sink in. He thought you left? Why would he think that? You guess you could understand it, being as you basically disappeared and didn’t tell anyone where you were going, but still. Did he not remember the way you told him that you wanted to remember him? That you wanted to be able to love him and make him happy again? Well, maybe you never told him that last part but you still couldn’t believe he thought you would run away from him. Before you even realized what you were doing you took a step toward him and flung your fist out, punching him in the arm.  
  
“Ow!” he shouted, stumbling backwards and clutching his arm; maybe you hit him too hard. “What was that for?” he asked in a shocked voice, staring at you like you had grown four heads.  
  
You sighed. “For thinking that I would leave you, you asshole.” You muttered crossing your arms over you chest. “I told you last night that I wasn’t going anywhere.”  
  
Now he was the one staring at you, his eyes and mouth wider than usual. He broke out into another breathtaking grin that made your heart flutter in your chest as he walked toward you. Something flashed in his eyes, something that you recognized, and he closed the short distance that was between the two of you as he took your head in his hands crashing his lips down on yours. You stumbled back slightly, not prepared for his sudden show of affection but you reached up and gripped his shirt, balling the fabric up in the palms of your hands finding yourself kissing him back, instinct taking over as your lips seemed to move against the other with a burning passion.  
  
  
Bucky slowly pulled away but you kept you hold on his shirt, still keeping him close to you. You smiled as you finally opened up your eyes seeing him already looking down at you, that same sparkle in his eyes. His eyes suddenly widened though and he furrowed his eyebrows.  
  
“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t,” he started to say but you him off.  
  
“It’s okay,” You said with a shake of your head. “I don’t mind.” You whispered.  
  
And it was true, you still knew hardly anything about him, okay, maybe you were starting to finally begin to know more about him, but even though he was still more a stranger than an old friend, you realized you liked kissing him. You liked having him near you, he brought this sense of comfort that you craved and ever since you came home with him, you had never felt more safe, more loved. You still had so much to learn, to remember, but all you knew was that you didn’t want it to ever end. You didn’t want to not remember him because you realized that you loved him. You loved Bucky Barnes. You didn’t know who he was or what you had but you couldn’t wait to get it back.  
  
“So, doll um, our friends kind of really want to see you,” he said quietly.  
  
“Oh, right,” You said, voice a higher octave than normal.  
  
“It will be okay y/n; I’ll be right there next to you, I promise,” he assured you and that was all it took for you to agree.  
  
He grinned as you nodded your head. “Okay, well, let me just go explain to them what happened-”  
  
“That you’re an asshole?” You interrupted with a smirk.  
  
He chuckled. “Yes, that I overreacted,” he said and then rolled his eyes. “And then I’ll come back and get you and you can re-meet all of your friends, or at least, some of them.” He said with a smile.  
  
You sighed, “Okay.”  
  
He placed a sweet kiss on your forehead before he stepped around you and opening the door, leaving you alone in the bedroom. You took in a deep breath pacing the room, freaking out once again. Were you ready to put yourself in this position? What if you freaked out again? All too soon Bucky came back and he held his hand out to you once again, you felt your fears disappear. As long as Bucky was by your side, you could get through anything.  
  
  



	17. Author's Note

Hello all,

I am so sorry for not having put out a chapter for this series but i am currently still editing the next chapter as well as working on a one-shot that i'm trying my hardest to get done. Words have failed me immensely this week, as my anxiety has been at an all time high, you could say i'm going stir crazy! This is also another reason for me taking a longer time to update, i realized i was to entranced in working on fics and not giving myself enough time for me. I will hopefully have the next chapter out for you all soon, and hopefully this new one-shot as well if i can get the words out and have it flow smoothly, i only want to bring you the best! I hope you all are staying safe and sane during this quarantine, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, i am here for all my readers! May you all have a beautiful Monday!


	18. A sign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took me so long to get out but it’s finally here! I hope you all enjoy it and I’ll work on getting the next chapter out sooner than later!

“So get this there was this time you had invited one of your dates back to the tower y’all were getting ready to watch a movie and he had brought a pizza to warm up in the oven, now this was before you and Barnes had got your shit together, "Sam said trying very hard to keep himself together, “well this guy I don’t know if he was lacking some brain cells or felt compelled to show off but this guy went to the oven, opened it up and pulled out the pizza pan and all, with his bare hands, the screams on that man, we had all swore it was you, until we went in and it was the guy you had brought, you would have thought he’d put the pan down, but oh, oh no, he held onto it even tighter when he saw us” This time Sam let out his laughter, the group joining in.

You couldn’t hold back the laughter that fell from your lips, the laughter from your companions was infectious. Covering your face with your hands you leaned into Bucky’s side, your cheeks warming up in embarrassment. Bucky chuckled lowly next to you swinging his arm around your shoulder as he pulled you closer to his side. Feeling comfort in his arms you removed your hands from your face, taking in the people surrounding you, your friends.

  
Getting re-acquainted with the group hadn’t been as bad as you thought it would be. Bucky had held your hands tightly in his the entire time the two of you walked back into the living room. The group had since made themselves at home, scattered throughout your living room, the room was silent as you made your way to one of the couches with Bucky but it was a comfortable one, you assumed the group didn’t want to spook you anymore than they already had, which in a way you were grateful for. Once you were seated comfortably next to Bucky you greeted everyone with a small wave of your hand and the best nervous smile you could muster, the group waved back to you causing a giggle to spill from your lips at how cautious they all seemed around you. Things after that weren't as awkward as the evening began to progress, you were thankful that you had remembered most of their names, still it all felt a little hazy as you hadn’t remembered much of any of them but the stories they shared had begun to open your eyes.

As the minutes turned to hours, a more relaxed vibe had fallen over the room. Drinks, chips, and food loitered the coffee table in the middle of the room. You felt more relaxed as the group shared their favorite moment they had with you, and every now and then you would live out that moment with them in your mind. Bucky had stayed glued to your side, barely letting you out of his sight your hand wrapped tightly in his. You were convinced he was still frightened at the thought that you would actually leave, and you weren't sure how to prove to him otherwise. If you were honest with yourself the longer you stayed listening to the stories of your life your friends shared with you, the more you realized that you could never leave, even If you never remembered, you knew you couldn’t leave this life your friends painted for you, this was your life.  
  
“Why in the world would he not drop it the second you all walked in” you questioned through your laughter.

Sam smirked, “Ask the super solider next to you, pretty sure he had something to do with it.”

You looked up at Bucky whose eyes were already on yours, “guy was probably lacking brain cells.” he chimed in with a shrug of his shoulder’s.

The room fell into another bout of laughter  
  


Eventually you went back to sharing stories of your past, and the more your friends revealed the more you found yourself leaning into Bucky's side more. You rested your head on his shoulder, savoring in the new memories you were making.

Sam was suddenly smirking at you from across the room, you raised a brow at his behavior. He was bringing up tattoos, and apparently you had a tattoo you never knew about, much less saw on your skin, he must have been mistaken.

“Sam I think you need to have your brained re-wired, i don’t have a tattoo, now scars, thats a different story, those I have plenty of.”  
  
Everyone’s heads turned towards you, coy smiles on each of their faces.  
  
“Yes, you do,” Natasha chuckled agreeing with Sam.  
  
“No I don't,” you argued face scrunching in confusion as you wracked your brain, “guys seriously I would have seen it on my body if I did, I think you guys are mistaken.”

Sam’s smirk grew, “there’s a reason you can’t see it like you would a regular piece, its in white ink, and from what you told us of the placement, you wouldn’t be able to notice it unless you really wanted to see it.”  
  
“It’s in white ink and especially with where it is, you don’t really notice it unless you’re looking for it,” Sam explained with a smirk.  
  


Your mind began to race, oh god you thought, where the hell had you placed that white inked tattoo.  
  


“Well where the heck did I place the tattoo?” you questioned.

The group shrugged their shoulders nonchalantly, “None of us know where it is, we only know what it is,” Natasha spoke up  
  


“You sent us a picture of it, when you got it done, but never released where it was, you wouldn’t even show us that day you came home after getting it done,” Wanda added in.  
  
Sam grinned cheekily rubbing his hands together in triumph, “Oh but I know, you know because best friends and all, and tinman wouldn’t shut up about it.” The room was filled with scandalous gasps.

You looked up at Bucky, “You know where it is you questioned.

  
  
Bucky leaned his head down slightly his lips hovering above your ear, “it was my favorite thing to look at,” he whispered softly his voice ghosting over your ear. You couldn’t control the shive that ran up your spine through your body, you twitched slightly in his hold, he chuckled lowly causing another shiver to course through you before he was pulling away.   
  
The conversation soon picked up again drifting away from your mystery ink. You found yourself leaning more into Bucky your head falling to his shoulder his fingers rubbing smoothing circles into your shoulder the room was filled with small talk anything and everything was out in the open, the conversation was a comfort and you found yourself drifting to sleep. You jumped at the slam of a door you opened your eyes groggily finding yourself alone in the living room, lying down on the couch you had previously occupied with Bucky. You yawned sitting up slightly dazed, you wondered how long you had been asleep for because the room was completely empty no sign of the friends who had once crowded the room nor any sign of Bucky. You stood from the couch heading for the bedroom but Bucky was nowhere to be seen, you tilted your head in wonder, traveling around the house you still had no luck with your search. Returning to the room you heard the faint sound of your showering running, so that’s where he was.

You smiled, a warm blush creeping on your cheeks at where your mind was wandering. You moved over to the dresser pulling out some pajamas, you slipped on some sleep shorts and one of Bucky’s shirts that had been mixed in with yours. Pulling back the covers you climbed into bed settling down comfortably before wrapping them around you, your head burying into the pillows. Your eyes slipped shut as you thought back to all the events of the night, a smile pulling at your lips. You smiled because for once you didn’t get that nagging feeling that you were living someone else’s life instead of your own. You could easily picture yourself in all those memories that had been shared with you tonight, you could only hope that you were able to remember everything soon.  
  
Hearing the bathroom door open you glanced up looking over at the open door watching Bucky walk passed you without so much as a glance in your direction. He was gone for a minute before he was returning to the room, a look of confusion etching itself into his features, his eyes fell to the bed seeing you laying in it a look of relief washing over him.

“Hey doll, I was going to get you.” he said with a warm smile.

“there was no need, I woke up a few minutes ago,” you replied, “how long was I asleep for? You questioned your eyes quite not meeting his. Bucky was in a pair of cotton pajama bottoms, his shirtless torso on full display, you swore this man was doing this on purpose.

“Not long, give or take fifteen minutes,” he said, “once everyone saw that you had fallen asleep they decided to call it a night themselves, said you needed your rest,” a smirk pulled at his lips. “are you checking me out again doll?” he questioned teasingly eyes twinkling.

“don’t start barnes,” you mumbled pulling the covers up to your heated cheeks.

He let out a laugh, “looking is free, but touching, now that’s going to cost you sweetheart.” he grinned with a wink.  
  
  
“Bucky Barnes you cut it out,” you laughed reaching for one of his pillows to chuck it at him, “you know from all the broodiness the team says your harbor I never pictured you to be so cocksure,” you murmured teasingly.  
  
Bucky let the pillow his his side watching it fall to his feet, he laughed reaching for it, “its only for you babe.”

The word of endearment caused a swarm of butterflies to build up in the pit of your stomach flying up to surround your beating heart. You bit your bottom lip, your bashful eyes looking away as he moved closer to the bed, his pillow returning to its previous position.  
  


“Hey bucky, do you think you can show me the tattoo?” you questioned the curiosity peeking again.  
  
Bucky grinned, “of course doll, you really want to see it?” he inquired.

“it’s not on any of my lower privates is it?” you questioned picking up on a tone in his voice.

He laughed, “No, it's nowhere embarrassing,” he assured, “get up,” he murmured, “come here.”

Removing yourself from the comfort of the bed you stood making your way over to him. Standing in front of him, he turned you with his hands on your shoulders bringing you in view of the mirror that sat on your dresser. Bringing you in closer, you found your cheeks heating up slightly, as you took in the reflection of the two of you. Bucky was looking at you with such intensity in his eyes, a look that you had come to recognize as love, your heart thrummed away in your chest at the sight.  
  
“Buck?” you questioned softly snapping him out of his trance like state. His eyes locked with yours a small smile appearing on his pink lips.

  
“I’m going to need to lift up your shirt,” he whispered. A soft laugh slipped past your lips, you nodded your head giving him permission, your arms moving up slightly to your sides to allow him to grab at your shirt. He took a step closer to you his chest meeting your back. You stare intently as you watched his hands ghost over your soft skin, he stopped at the hem of your shirt gripping it in his hands before pulling it up ever so slowly. He bunched up the fabric beneath your breasts pulling on it slightly to smooth the fabric out.  
  


Not a word was shared between you as he held the shirt with one hand his left hand reaching out. The cool vibranium trailed your stomach inching up slowly in a tantalizing slow trail the coolness leaving a line of goosebumps in its wake. His hand continued to trail further up sliding over your ribs where it came to a stop under your left breast.

“It’s right here,” he whispered tapping on the spot softly, his whispered words caused a shiver to run up your spine.  
  


Regardless of the proximity it took you a moment to see what his finger was running over. It wasn’t a design like you had been expecting to find. Bringing your hand up brushing against his, your fingers traced over the ink curving your breast. “Never one without the other...”

“did it have a meaning?” you questioned softly your fingers continuing to run over the words.

Bucky smile warmly, “it does actually, I'm not sure if you remember Steve or I bringing up “till the end of the line” with each other, but these words are like that for me and you.” he said, “It took a while, but I couldn’t do this without you, I didn’t want to do it without you, and the thought of losing you scares me.”

You turned around to look at him, “I’ll always love this,” he spoke his fingers gracing the skin once more, “when you first showed me it and you told me why you had got it, I knew I wanted this with you for the rest of my life, you said you would always come back to me, that I would never have to imagine a life without you, that just like those words we could never be without the other, and I mean I guess its true, look at us now, we were apart but we found each other once again.”

You were speechless unsure of what you could possibly say in a moment like this especially after that. Bucky smiled down at you, seeming to understand the words that you couldn’t find to say. He stared at you intently letting his eyes roam over your body, “Can I try something?” he questioned softly. You nodded your head still not finding your words, “If it’s too much, just tell me to stop.” he whispered stepping closer to you.

With your okay he took another step towards you placing his hand on your waist, he pushed against you until you were stepping back your back meeting the wall closes to the dresser. He continued to press further his chest pressing up against yours, his head leaning down ever so slowly. Your eyes slipped shut his hot breath fanning across your neck, you felt the warm wet touch of the first soft kiss against your sensitive skin. Your body reacted immediately, your breath hitching as his lips traveled along your neck, a trail of heated kisses in their path. He continued to kiss you; along your jawline, that sweet spot under your ear, along your cheeks, till finally he moved up and placed a lingering kiss to your head before he was pulling away. He looked down at you a singles digit running across your flames cheek, a warm smile kissed his lips.  
  
“We should get you to bed, you need more sleep sweetheart.”he murmured once again leaving you at loss for words. You let him pull you toward the bed sliding in as he reached to turn the off the light.

A few seconds later the bed dipped next to you, his warm body joining yours. Without second guessing yourself you curled into him your legs tangling with his, you head leaning on his chest. His arms circled around you pressing you into him. You enjoyed the feeling of being his. That night you slept peacefully, though there was many questions on your mind there was also many memories playing through your dreams answering each one.  
  


It had been two weeks since you met your friends all over again for the first time. Two weeks and you still hadn’t remembered, two fucking weeks and you were still no closer to knowing who Bucky was. In those past two weeks you had gone to the doctor roughly three times, though Bucky only knew of two of them. You couldn’t take it anymore, you were so tired of not knowing about the man you shared a bed with every night. The doctors had run test after test asking you just about every question they could and even reaching out to other doctors to get a different opinion, no one was able to explain it. No one knew why you couldn’t remember because in medical sense your brain was perfectly normal. Your accident hadn’t caused any permanent damage you were functioning normally.

The only thing was things weren’t normal, they were far from it. You were living with a man who was deeply in love with you, who cared about you, and the only thing you knew about him was his name. Yes you had quite a memories of him, but you didn’t remember who he was. He may as well have just been a man in your dreams. You have been trying so hard, doing everything and anything to help you remember something, anything. You watched your favorite movies, are your most favorite foods, you even did some of your favorite past times but none of it was enough, nothing triggered anything more than a flash of your life in that moment you had lived through. It was like when you watch an old home movie of your younger years in hopes of it triggering something.

You knew you had loved Bucky Barnes with all your heart, you cared for him so much you had started to distance yourself from him trying not push too hard. It wasn’t that you were uncomfortable or wanted to be away from him, you just felt so damn guilty in fear of getting his hopes up. At the rate things were playing out you weren’t sure if you would ever remember him. There was times you would catch him staring at you, eyes slightly glazed over, brows furrowed, you couldn’t help but wonder what was running through his mind in those moments where he was lost in his thoughts. You mostly wondered if he had his doubts as well.

You couldn’t continue with this routine for much longer, and you knew that. Eventually something would happen, either you were going to remember or you weren’t and deep down both of you were to scared to admit the possibility of you never remembering him was getting greater as the days passed you. Bucky tried to help you, he was always supportive, and understanding when he would retell you a memory of an activity you had done before, or on those nights when it got to be too much and he would drive the two of you around in silence his hand on your knee comfortingly.

You still felt an odd feeling of comfort whenever you were with him, it was odd in the sense because you felt comfort in a man you had no idea who he was, someone you hardly knew anything about. You had started to distance yourself, hardly leaning the house unless absolutely necessary, barely having an appetite, and the sleepless nights had returned. It had been awhile since you had had the sleepless nights since moving in with Bucky but as the days had progressed and the feelings for the man laying in the bed next you did not, well it had set your mind into a frenzy.  
  


You had stopped giving goodnight kisses to Bucky, something you were sure he had picked up on but never brought up, even though your desperately wanted it too. You missed the feel of his lips on yours, wanted to feel them on yours, wanted to feel his fingers weave into your hair, to have his body pressed against yours, but it still felt wrong. You felts the longer you continued to do this, to push yourself in hopes of remembering him in someway you would just be leading him on, and Bucky didn’t deserve that. He deserved to be loved and it seemed that no matter how hard you tried you weren’t able to do that. You were holding onto what little emotions you had for him with all your might. This was the only reason you hadn’t left yet, because you knew deep down, buried somewhere within you that you loved him. You just couldn’t find that part of you and bring it to the surface like your heart ached for you too.

You couldn’t lie to yourself and pretend not to notice the looks he stole when he thought you weren’t paying attention. You couldn’t pretend that he was avoiding the very obvious possibility that the two of you might never have what you once had before. You couldn’t turn a blind eye to the underlying sadness in his eyes. It scared you to let your mind wander to the possibility of while you were trying your hardest to remember how to love him that he was slowly falling out of love with you. Maybe yours and Buckys love was never meant to be, maybe it wasn’t as strong as the two of you had thought, maybe this was supposed to happen.  
  


Maybe this was a sign, maybe this was why you continued to slowly push him away. This could be why you stopped telling him when you would have flashbacks. This was probably also why you were lying to him, telling him no to every possible question of his, you were lying to him because it pained your whole being to see the way his face would light up, his eyes gleaming when you remembered something only to watch it disappear in an instant when he would mention something to you, something you couldn’t remember and having to remind him that you had no idea what he was talking about. It was better to have him think you weren’t remembering things then to let him know that you were remembering you loved him but that you still didn’t actually love him.  
  
At least that was what you had convinced yourself.  
  


You sighed softly as you leaned back into the couch frowning at the phone cradled In your hands. Bucky was out of the house, needed at the tower to go over some of the mission intel coming up. He had invited you to go, wanting to show you around the tower, go see your friends, hope to trigger something, anything. You had decided against joining him, instead you had spent the day sitting on the couch a migraine brewing as you had tried relentlessly to remember, you just wanted to remember.  
  


Another sigh escaped your lips as you got up from the couch tossing your phone onto the cushions, Sams text of “have you been okay?” going unanswered. You turned into the hallway your eyes scanning the various photos hung on the wall passing them in hopes of sparking a memory of some sort. As usual nothing happened, yet you continued to walk the hall touching and skimming the photos till your reached the last one.

Making your way into your shared bedroom you continued to glance around, using the time that Bucky was out of the house to hopefully trigger a memory or flashback of some sort. You let out another sigh, something you had been doing a lot of lately. Running your fingers along the wall you stopped by the windows in your room stopping at the small bookshelf positioned right in between the two. The bookshelf held various knickknacks with the occasional picture or two.

  
Your eyes scanned the shelf looking at the various things on here. Just as you were about to turn away a silver gleam caught your eye. Reaching forward you pulled out a necklace from the higher shelf, a diamond ring hanging from the silver necklace. You gasped mouth dropping open as your recognized the ring from your flashbacks. It was your ring, your engagement ring. You weren’t sure way out of all places Bucky would have put this here instead of somewhere a little more hidden. You placed the ring back on the shelf with shaky hands making a beeline out of the room as tears streamed down your face. You fell onto the couch trying to control your inner turmoil, you weren’t upset you had found the ring, Sam said it had been somewhere in the house, you were more upset that even after seeing it you still couldn’t remember anything!  
  
  
You took in a deep breath, telling yourself that you needed to relax, that you would remember, that it would happen eventually. You just needed to keep holding on.   
You jumped as you heard the front door slam shut.  
  
Bucky was home.  
  



	19. Blindsided

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is everyone, a moment i think we're all waiting for! I hope you enjoy this chapter! I will be working on getting out the first chapter of "Behind the Screen" & the last chapter for "I'll be there for you" There will be one last chapter for this series! Enjoy!

Quickly  wiping at the bottom of your eyes and cheeks you were suddenly glad that you had opted out of wearing  makeup. Keeping yourself glued to the couch you were praying silently that Bucky wouldn’t take notice of your distressed state . You heard him shuffling around in the corridor his footsteps drawing him nearer and even though you were expecting it, you still jumped when you heard his voice ringing through the room.

“Y/n?” He called not taking notice of the tv playing silently in the background.

“In here," you called out voice wavering from the unshed tears.

“Hey sweetheart,” he called back as he made his way around the couch, “ hadn’t seen you sitting here.” He chuckled taking a seat next to you.

“Everything go good at the meeting?” You asked him swallowing down the lump in your throat, your gaze intently on the TV 

“Everything went well, they just briefed us on the intel, and  the layout of the building.”

“That’s good!” You replied cringing at how forced that had come out.

“Y/n, sweetheart?” Bucky questioned, you saw him shift in his seat ,  while  your eyes stayed glued to the television.

“Yeah?” You murmured trying to act like what was playing really had you enthralled.

“Doll,” he repeated leaning closer, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine Buck,” you grunted.

“Sweetheart we re you crying?” He questioned his fingers making their way under your chin forcing you to meet his gaze.

Your eyes met his for a brief second, but a second long enough to see the concern etched on his features , you had to look away. You shook your head slightly, a broken “no” leaving your lips.

“Sweetheart, talk to me,” he pleaded, “tell me what’s going on,” and even though your heart was still racing from your episode earlier his voice alone caused those welcomed butterflies to burst throughout your stomach.

“Bucky i’m fine, just please leave it alone,” you said pulling  your chin from his grasp as you stood making your way towards the kitchen.

“Y/n, wait, doll talk to me, did you have another memory, did something happen?” he questioned quickly, the desperation in his voice seeping through.

“No Bucky, I didn’t have another memory,” you muttered harshly.

“Oh,” was the lone word that pushed past his lips. You braced yourself against the counter, grounding yourself, trying to suck in a breath for the one lodged in your throat.

The two of you were silent for a moment, Bucky standing in the kitchen a few feet away from you, he was giving you space, his face was contorted into a deep frown, “Where is all the coming from y/n?” he questioned, “why are you suddenly acting like this, I thought we were doing fine, that our relationship was starting to grow.”

“What relationship Bucky, I don’t remember anything!” you hissed unable to control the words flow ing  from your mouth. They were hurtful, unforgiving, but he needed to see the truth, he had to understand, even if it meant he was going to get hurt.

He sighed, “ you will y/n, I promise you will,” he assured, tho ugh his words were meant to convey one thi ng the frown on his face conveyed something else, the doubts.

“you don’t know that, you can’t know that,” you whispered voice wavering.

Another moment of silence passed over the two of you, Bucky released a silent breath, his frame falling, “Where is this coming from y/n, why are you being like this?” he questioned brows furrowed.

“Being like what Buck, like someone who doesn’t know a damn thing about her life, who doesn’t remember the man she is supposed to be marrying, the one I planned on starting a family with?” you hissed, “I’m sorry,” you growled throwing your hands in the air, “I didn’t realize there was a way that I should be handling all of this,” you spoke out your body pacing the length of the island, “what’s the point, why should I even try?” you questioned quietly.

“What?” he breathed out, voice coated in shock, “why should you try, what’s the point?” he questioned back exasperated he needed to know he heard you right.

“Why do you stay Bucky, there’s a chance that I may never remember you again, yet here you are, why?” you questioned voice still harsh despite the tears that had now started to fall freely from your eyes.

His face warped into anger, “I’m not going anywhere y/n, why the hell can’t you see that!” he growled, “I know what you’ve been doing, and you must think I'm oblivious, but I see you pushing yourself away from me, I know your hiding things from me, not telling me things and I can’t even begin to understand why,” he sucked in an angry breath steeling himself before continuing, “stop worrying about hurting me, you couldn’t possibly hurt me, I need you to open your eyes and realize that I am not going anywhere, I'm in this for the long run!” he shouted his ocean eyes clouded over with anger.

A scoff left your lips, “My eyes are open, but apparently  im the only one!” you hissed, “can’t you see Bucky, do you not understand, I don’t remember, I don’t fucking remember,” you cried out, “and I may never remember, and what are you going to do then huh?” you questioned, “what the fuck are you going to do then!”

The shouting match between the two of you continued, you weren’t angry at each other, you were mad at your situation. Your other emotions had come up, taking over, you r  anger being released through the feeling s you both had held back for so long. The two of you were desperate, angry, but not at each other, no, never at each other.

“Goddamnit y/n, you will remember!” he growled, “maybe if you would stop being so negative, and for once saw the positive in things!”

“No, Bucky!” you growled back matching his fervor, “why are you fighting this so hard, you don’t have -”

“I don’t have to do shit , I'm not giving up on this, on us , on you!” he yelled, “ I can’t fucking lose you, I cannot lose you ,” he voiced, “i love you y/n , I will always love you, even if I have to make you fall in love with me all over again,  I'll do whatever it takes because I love you ,” 

“stop doing that!” you cried out, more tears pooling at your eyes.

“stop doing what?!” he yelled voice coated in exhaustion.

“How can you love me?” you questioned voice cracking, “I don’t even know who I am anymore!” you cried out, tears spilling from your eyes.

“sweetheart trust me there’s no forgetting who you are.” he responded sternly, eyes filled with conviction.

“I can’t remember who you are.” you confessed through a choked sob.

His face fell, “you have to baby, you loved me, just the way I loved you, the way I still do, please y/n you have to remember, you have to remember me.” he pleaded his eyes clouding over with tears causing your s  to fall faster.

This was the first time throughout this whole ordeal that he had asked, no, begged you to remember him. It had always been words of encouragement telling you that it would take time but not once had he ever asked you to remember. You realized in that moment that this was it, there was no going back. Bucky had finally reached his breaking point and as you looked up at him with tear filled eyes, watching his finally spill over, you lost it.

“I can’t remember Bucky, I can’t remember!” you cried out you r heart breaking, “I just want to remember, but I can’t, I can’t remember,” you r voice had dropped to a broken whisper, battered breaths echoing in the silent kitchen.

There was no controlling the chaotic sobs that wracked your body, no way of stopping the overflow of tears as he walked over to you, his own tear-stricken face filled with sorrow, eyes tired and lifeless. You had never seen a man so broken, so defeated before this moment. Bucky continued to you, till he was right in front of you. His hands slowly reach up cradling your head softly, he leaned down placing his forehead against your, his ragged breath hitting your face, more tears fell from your eyes as you realized just how much he was hurting. Sam had been right, he had been hiding his pain very well, so well that you could clearly see it bursting at the seams now. If your heart  hadn’t already been broken, the final piece had pulled apart, your heart falling into the depths of your stomach .

“Please,” he gasped out through a broken sob, “please baby, please, "he pleaded. You brought your hands up placing them over his both of your bodies shaking with the sobs that tore through the two of you. “I miss you so much sweetheart, I need you, please,” he gasped again, “please come back to me.”

You couldn’t find the words, even if you had  the strength to speak, you wouldn’t know what to say.

Instead, you did the only thing you could think to do in this moment. You up on your toes pressing your lips firmly to his . You wanted this to be it, you wanted things to end right here, wanted the memories to hit at the moment your lips touched, but as you pulled away more tears fell, there was nothing.

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed barely audible against the sobs shaking your core . You pulled away from him completely watching as his arms fell limp to his sides. “I can’t,” you went to turn away from him.

You didn’t get far as Bucky reached out to you grabbing your arm to spin you back around to him. His laps crashed down on to yours, body pushing you up again the counter, this kiss alone knocking you off your feet if it hadn’t been for him holding you up. Bucky put everything into this kiss; his feelings, fears, doubts, dreams, his hopes , you could taste it all. Your lips responded In fervor hoping that it would say just as much as his did. It was in this kiss, this heated kiss, that you found everything you had been searching for, everything that you had been missing and it was like nothing your were expecting.

His kiss  blindsided you.

✨

_ You pointed at the man standing next to Steve, your mouth opening and closing, “Is that, is that him?” you squeaked. _

_ Bucky removed himself from the table walking over to you slowly a barely there smile on his face, Steve stood behind an almost protective stance to him hand clasped on his shoulder and you could understand why with everything that he had gone through to get him here in this exact spot, you were not fortunate enough to meet him when the other team had as you had been placed on a mission over seas and could not get back in time to help the team when they needed you, or rather when Steve had needed your help. By the time you had received word from Steve everything had gone south. _

_ “Y/n this is James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve spoke over his shoulder. You peered over Bucky’s shoulder at Steve raising a brow. _

_ “Uh no Steve this is Bucky.” Both Steve and Bucky chuckled at that. _

_ You saw bucky extended his hand out towards you, you looked down at his hand raising a questioning brow at him, on the team you were known for not having boundaries, and well Bucky would surely not be an acceptance to this. You threw your arms open flinging them around his shoulder before Steve could so much as utter a word out. “Its so good to finally meet you Bucky, I’ve heard so many great things about you from Steve.” _

_ Bucky’s hands remained at his side not quite expecting this, “I wouldn’t say that doll but thank you.” he whispered looking down. _

_ You pulled back slightly, leaning down to look into his eyes, “ This is going to be a new start for you Bucky, Steve’s going to be here and well so am I, you’re part of the team.” You smiled. You pulled him into another embrace feeling like he needed it, you looked at Steve over his shoulder sending him a smile _

_ he mouthed a “Thank you.” you nodded your head squeezing Bucky a little tighter. _

✨

_ You picked the pillow up off the couch throwing it at Sam, laughing as it bounced off his head, Sam glared at you Bucky’s form moving slightly next to you.” _

_ Laugh it up tin man,” Sam muttered. _

_ You threw another pillow, “Samuel be nice, Bucky’s a sweetheart!” _

_ Sam raised a brow at you before huffing, “yeah, yeah let’s just go back to watching the movie, I've had enough of the two of you already.” he muttered. _

__

_ You looked over to Bucky to find him already staring at you, a small smile on his face, and the slightest twinkle in his eye. Your breath caught in your throat, “why you  _ _ starin _ _ at me like that doll?” he questioned teasing in his tone. _

_ “l’m not staring Barnes now shut it and watch the movie,” you muttered slouching into his side, he chuckled throwing his arm over you, god you had it bad. _

_ ✨ _

_ You  _ _ exited the bathroom to see Sam waiting for  _ _ you _ _ along the wall.  _ _ He _ _ gave  _ _ you _ _ a cheeky, drunk smile  _ _ throwing his arm over you as he held onto you for support, this man swore he had tolerance _ _.  _ _ You saw Natasha _ _ first, h _ _ er _ __ _ slim yet  _ _ curvaceous fugue leaning against the bar where you had left her, Steve and Bucky.  _ _ You saw Steve and Bucky next, but they weren’t alone, oh no _ _ ,  _ _ two  _ _ of the  _ _ female _ _ agents  _ _ with their boobs practically spilling out of their barely their dresses were leaning in drunkenly breathing on the poor men.  _ _ Bucky and Steve were looking back and fourth between each other awkwardly even going as far as to try and get Natashas attention from where she stood. _ __

_ “Come on  _ _ drunkie _ _ ,  _ _ looks like we got to go get  _ _ the _ _ super soldiers out of trouble _ _ ,” you muttered _ _. Dragging Sam along you  _ _ hauled  _ _ him till you were able to throw him into  _ _ Buckys _ _ side. You turned to the girls, “ think you’ve had one to many drinks girls _ _ , and rest assure the men are not interested.” _ __

_ The girls looked at you eyes dazed, “and who are you to make that call,  _ _ it’s not like they’re interested in you.” _

_ You turned to Steve and Bucky face unamused, “are you interested?”  _

_ Bucky and Steve shook their heads, you looked back to the girls, “see, now do us a favor and go flirt with one of the other agents, might get luckier with them.”  _

_ The girls scoffed standing from the stools on wobbly legs. The one closest to you rammed her shoulder into yours roughly sending you  _ _ into Bucky’s arm’s you growled, “that bitch”. _

_ You went to go after her but Bucky’s arm fastened around you, “woah there short stack, let it go he chuckled into your ear.” _

_ A shiver ran down your spine, your turned in his arms glaring at him “ _ _ let it go?” You questioned, “she _ _ was being _ _ a bitch!” You muttered. _

_ Bucky pulled you closer _ _ , _ __ _ “maybe she was,” he agreed, “but she was just trying to score.” _

_ You raised a brow at him, “ did you want her to score?” You challenged. _

_ He smirked leaning closer to you, “the only one I want to score is  _ _ already wrapped around my arm.” _

_ Your lips dropped open slightly, “just kiss already!” Sam shouted from where he was still leaning against him. _

_ “You haven’t told them yet?” You questioned. _

_ He grinned, “was waiting for the perfect time,” he shrugged. _

_ “Well there’s no better time than right now,” you muttered hands coming to tug at his shirt, your lips meeting his in a searing kiss. _

_ ✨ _

_ “Y/n,” your head shot up from where it had been perched on the hospital bed. You glanced up seeing  _ _ Bucky’s eyes trained on you. Your eyes watered, “hey sweetheart,” he smiled,  _ _ “baby don’t cry, I’m okay,” he whispered face wincing as he tried to turn on his side. _

_ “Bucky don’t move,  _ _ you’re going to pull the stitches,” you muttered the tears falling as your stood taking him in. He had almost died after a mission gone wrong. He had almost died and you wouldn’t have been there. _

_ “Sweetheart please don’t cry, I’m here,” he murmured his hand reaching out to cup your cheek. _

_ You sniffled, “but you almost weren’t Buck, they almost didn’t get your out in time, they almost didn’t get you here on time, I could have lost you.” You choked out tears falling freely now. _

_ “ _ _ Doll but you didn’t, I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, I’ll always come back to you.” He assured his hand removing itself from your cheek to grab your hand tightly in his. _

_ “But what if you don’t come back, you can’t promise you’ll come back, nothings for certain.” You murmured. _

_ “Y/f/n y/l/n, sweetheart I love you with my whole being, and I promise you daily that I will always come back to you, no matter the obstacles,  _ _ you are my everything, my world,  _ _ and  _ _ I  _ _ want to spend the rest of my life with you, _ _ ” he sighed, “wasn’t the way I wanted to propose, but hey I’ve been trying for months, so what do you say sweetheart, will you marry me?” He questioned eyes filled with sincerity. _

_ Your eyes tears up more, your head nodding vigorously, Bucky beamed at you, “is that a yes sweetheart? _

_ A choked sob left your lips, “yes, god of course I’ll marry you Bucky!” _

_ Bucky grinned pulling on you as he brought you into him, a pained groan leaving his lips, “who knew all it took was me nearly dying to get you to say yes.” He teased. _

_ You head shot up a glare evident on your face, “ your lucky your in pain or I would have smacked you,” you grunted, “ I would have said yes regardless of the situation, I love you Bucky.” _

_ He smiled down warmly at you, “ I love you too sweetheart, _ _ ” he murmured his lips crashing into yours. _

“ Bucky !” You gasped pulling away from the kiss your breath ragged but no longer because of the tears.

He looked down at you with worried eyes, “what, what is it?”

A surprise laugh escaped your lips , your eyes getting lost in his ocean blue ones, another set of fresh tears pulled at your eyes.

“Bucky I remember..”

“Remember what?” He breathed, eyes widening the hope in them clear as day.

“Everything.”

Life is made up of moments,  millions of tiny moments. These moments all added together make up  _ your  _ life.  There's the good, the bad, the sad, the ugly, there’s just so many moments that have made you who you are. There are also moments that are not only yours, there are moments in your life that you have shared with others who have also helped to shape you who you are today. It’s a  peculiar thing to think about, to think that if that one moment had never happened your life would have been completely different.

  
If you hadn’t stepped up when Steve needed your help, if you had chosen a different side that day, you would have never met Bucky, at least not straight away.

That moment in time was where everything had shifted for you, it changed your life. From that moment on your life became entwined, with James Buchanan Barnes of the 107 th . If you had never met Bucky Barnes your life would be completely different, you had no idea where you might be in life if this had been the case, but you didn’t want to imagine it. There was years of moments and memories shared with the man holding you tightly in his embrace

In an instant all those moments had been taken away from you, pushed to the farthest, darkest, place in your mind that you couldn’t find. If you hadn’t turned your back for a second, you would have seen the other agent creeping in, the explosion would have never occurred. If the explosion had never occurred you wouldn’t have been thrown against the pillar, your memories would have never been taken from you.

It had only taken one moment, a moment that happened in the blink of an eye.

It also took one moment for you to regain everything you thought you had lost. One heated, tear stained kiss, was all it had taken. One kiss and  suddenly a flurry of moments had hit you. It was overwhelming, unexpected, yet beautiful. Years of moments of not only you, but moments that you had shared with Bucky.

There was many moments that had flashed behind your closed eyes, and in all of those moments this was the one you never wanted to end.

You ran your hand along Bucky’s arm that was wrapped around you, his body pressed tightly against yours. His breath fanned across your neck goosebumps arising in its wake, your turned around in his arms snuggling closer to him. His eyes remained closed, his breathing still deep, the smallest hint of a smile present on his pink lips. Reaching up your hand you trailed your fingers along his jaw scratching the scruff that adorned it. He sucked in a breath rolling over slightly to lay flat on his back his arm pulling you with him.

Smiling you leaned up on your elbow continuing your  ministrations, your fingers continued to glide across his skin, fingers dancing down his neck, across his collarbone. Not liking the  angle, you were in you leaned up  further throwing a leg over his body letting yourself perch on his lap. He smiled though his eyes remained shut, a yawn slipped past his lips, “five more minutes,” he murmured.

You didn’t reply as your hands found their way back to his body, skimming them across his bare chest. Leaning down you placed small kisses along his jaw, while your hands continued to roam the expanse of his chest. Yours lips trailed over every expanse of skin they could reach. You were familiarizing yourself with him, though your memories may have returned everything still felt brand new. With every touch, every kiss that you had shared last night, another memory and a new wave of feelings had followed. You were almost scared that it had all been a dream, that you had imagined the whole thing, but as Bucky shifted beneath you, his hands coming to rest on your waist, you knew this was real.

You continued to kiss him, placing random pecks along his body as you hovered over him You weren’t trying to push this any further than just the little innocent kisses you were adorning his body with, you were reminding yourself that he was here, you were with him here, you remembered him, this was real. You were taking your time trying to make up for the time that you had lost not being able to love him the way your heart had ached to. Thinking about it now, it seemed like such a ridiculous thing, that you had  actually forgotten about him in the first place. You leaned back up slowly staring down at him only to  find his eyes already glued to you.

“Good morning buck,” you whispered a warm smile pulling at your lips.

“ Mornin sweetheart’” he  smiled; voice raspy where it was still coated in sleep.

You leaned down again finally connecting your lips with his, finger tangling themselves in his hair. He leaned up slightly, his hands still gripping your hips as he kissed you back with just as much passion as last night, the intensity of it taking your breath away. He pulled you down onto him rolling the two of you over, this time he was hovering over you, his lips still molded to yours. He pulled away from the kiss, a whine leaving your lips, he smiled down at you his eyes holding yours in their loving gaze. He leaned back down, his lips connecting with yours again, before they were drifting from your lips.

Just like you had done to him, his lips left featherlike kisses along your skin. It was as if your body was a map, and he was finding different destinations to pin, when you thought he would continue one way, he would change pace and go in the other direction. Your eyes slipped shut, your skin tingling under his lips savoring the touch. Much like last night with each touch, each kiss, you were brought back to another time, another moment. His rough, yet gentle hands roamed along your bare body, trailing against every beautiful curve.

You don’t think you could ever get tired of this, of him, and now that you had experienced what it was like, you never wanted to lost him  again.

Bucky  continued to explore your writhing body, he may not have been the one to have lost his memory but the way his kisses lingered, the way his touches left you shivering under his touch, you could tell he had missed this, missed you just as much. He had missed being able to touch you, kiss you, love you, to have you as his fully. While your intentions had been innocent, it had become quite obvious that Bucky’s were not. Despite the love you had shared last night, there was still so much time lost between the two of you, so much love that had not been shared between the two of you. As his lips found yours again, you were certain the two of you would not be leaving the bed anytime  soon.

The last rays of sun  were the only thing shining through the curtains, Bucky and you laid in bed, legs tangled,  body's pressed tightly against one  another. Between shared kisses, there was occasional words you shared, but there was also a comforting silence that would blanket the two of you. The two of you would relish being in the other’s arms just staring at one another. A content sigh left your lips as the coolness of bucky’s left hand reached up cupping your cheek. Bucky’s arms hadn’t left you since he got you back, they were always lingering, holding you, touching you, squeezing you, he needed that reassurance that you were in fact there with him, that this was real.

“Buck, stop staring,” you whispered eyes closed as you leaned back onto your  pillow.

Bucky chuckled softly shifting closer to you, his lips hovered close to your ear, “Sorry doll, no can do,” he voiced his breath causing shivers to run down your spine. 

You smiled when a yawn slipped past his lips, you had spent the majority of last night, and the morning bleeding into the evening in bed, with minimal sleeping. Bucky’s phone had buzzed away on the nightstand, but he couldn’t bring himself to move away from you. The only time you had left the bed was for a shower and even  then the two of you hadn’t parted from one another. Your friends were probably worried, but you had both agreed that right now, you only wanted to be with each other, the rest of the world could wait.

“y/n,” he said softly, you opened your eyes softly turning on your side to face him.

“mmm?” you hummed eyes gleaming as you looked at him, god you would never get tired of the sight.

“Marry me.” he whispered.

You grinned cheeks turning rosy. “Bucky, I am going to marry you, on February 18.”

“No,” he said shaking his head, your brows furrowed in confusion, “Marry me today, tomorrow, as soon as possible sweetheart.”

You remained quiet brows still furrowed, “babe, it’s okay, we can wait, we don’t need to rush into anything because of what happened.”

He shook his head again persistently, “It’s not because of what happened, well, not really. I just don’t want to wait any longer y/n, I want to marry you, I want you to be my wife, I want to be  your husband.”

You smiled warmly at him, hand coming up to cup his cheek, “How are we going to plan a wedding in  twenty-four hours?” you questioned.

“I don’t need some huge ceremony, I don’t care if get married in the living room of the tower, all I know is that I want to marry you y/f/n, y/l/n, I know you might be willing to wait a couple more months, but  im not, I want to be able to call you my  wife.”

You leaned forwards placing a longing kiss on his lips, before he was pulling away from you jumping out of the  bed.

“Buck what are you doing?” you questioned as he went around to the side of the room grabbing something from the shelf.

Bucky returned to the bed, sliding back over to you, “What do you have there?”  you questioned to his closed palm.

“This,” he whispered he palm opening your eyes glistening as you the saw the  diamond ring gleaming in his palm

You lifted your left hand lifting it up to him, he took ahold of it gently, you watched the  tear filled eyes as he slid the ring back onto your finger, right where it belonged. He pulled away the both of you admiring the ring that sat on your finger, it was like the missing piece had finally been placed.

“I love you so much James Buchanan Barnes,” you whispered glancing up at him through teary eyes.

“I love you too sweetheart, so much,” he said with a small smile.

Bucky laid back down bringing you closer to him, his hand reaching for yours, legs tangling together. He brought your hand up to his lips kissing each finger before he placed a kiss to the ring. Pulling you closer he pulled your arm around his neck leaning down to attach his lips to yours. If you thought your kisses had been passionate before you didn’t know how to describe this new feeling the brought you. It was a  brand-new feeling. 

Bucky pulled away leaning his forehead against yours, “y/f/n, y/l/n, I promise you that as soon as I can, whether it’s tonight or tomorrow, I will marry you but first you need to do one thing for me.”

“What?” you whispered, furrowing your brows.

“ i need you to rest doll,” he whispered back placing a kiss to your head, “you’ve had quite the night.” he said a teasing tone to his voice.

Your body stiffened slightly in his hold, “sweetheart,  what's wrong?” he questioned voice laced with concern.

“I’m just scared,” you voice quietly burying yourself into his side.

“What are you scared of doll?”

“I’m scare that this is just a memory,” you whimpered, “ I'm scared that  I'm going to wake up and I won’t remember you, what if this is all just some dream?”

“Hey, hey,” he said quickly, running his hand along my cheek. “Don’t worry y/n, this is real, I’m real, you’re not dreaming, you’re here, in my arms, you are awake.”

You couldn’t help but smile then because as you stared up at him, seeing the emotion in his eyes, you saw that he was right, you were awake. This wasn’t a dream or a nightmare, this was your life and you didn’t have to worry about waking up from it.

Life is filled with a million different moments and in all those moments, there is always going to be that “one moment” that stands out to you, that moment that changed everything. So as Bucky leaned back down to place one more kiss to you lips, you held onto him tighter eyes closed, drifting in his arms, right where you belonged and you would savor the way all of those moments danced around behind  your eyelids.

Even though you knew that Bucky was right, that this wasn't a dream, all you could think was that if this was dream, for once, you never wanted to wake up.


End file.
